Reading Us Weekly: "I think Justin Bieber wears lipstick. Look at this. His lips are the same color as Shania Twain's."
Responding to a Centers for Disease Control survey question asking if he's concerned about his child's language development: "Concerned? No. We're extremely interested, but not concerned. Well, what are the options? What? Who would admit to being UNconcerned? Fine. Put me down as highly concerned. But I'm not concerned. I'm interested."
To the DC Department of Records woman who suggested that he misspelled his own middle name when filling out the form for Jordan's birth certificate: "Please don't insult me like that. I've been spelling my name for almost 40 years. Let's just agree that I know how to spell my middle name and someone in your office made a typo, and move forward from there."
Commenting on the fact that Jordan was having a complete meltdown because we had no more dill pickles: "I hope he's just tired and unable to hold it together. Because if that's not it, Lisa, we have a real pickle problem on our hands."