Thursday, April 05, 2012

A modest proposal

You all know I'm not political but that certain issues - particularly ones pertaining to my body, my uterus and the contents therein, and the rights of women in general - fire me the fuck up.

Background

I should shamefully admit that I was a political science major - something Nick loves to point out, because isn't Chapel Hill supposed to be a really good school? - and yet I know next to nothing about how our government works. I only added it in my senior year because my dad said French wasn't practical enough, that I should double major with something useful, like Poli Sci.

Hilarious, I know. And now I ask Nick or Google everything I'm interested in knowing about governmental processes.

What I'm saying is, I have no idea how this proposal might actually work. Also, I might have details wrong. Nick's been away all week and I haven't had time to watch the Daily Show.

In other words: I'm giving you the general gist of my vitriol. Feel free to correct me on facts.

What's pissing me off:

But here's what I've been stewing about. 1. The abortion ultrasound bills; and 2. the Affordable Care Act in the hands of right-wing justices on the Supreme Court.

Naturally, the whole idea of forcing women seeking abortion to undergo ultrasounds - vaginal or not - enrages me. So now in Virginia they can't force a vaginal one on you...but they can make you get an ultrasound.

And all these wretched political elites criticizing other politicians for being elitist - want to keep health care in the hands of those who can afford it. Rather than extending it to those who can't.

It's so fucking galling.

A modest proposal:

Basically, I'd like to propose some kind of asshole scan for politicians and justices who take women's rights lightly.

You want to take the right to choice - reproductive choice as well as the choice to carry a child to term or not - away from women?

You're an asshole. I say this without hesitation.

You want to make sure that universal health care is not an option? And yet you want to force women - women who potentially can barely afford to pay for an abortion - to also pay for an ultrasound?

I'm going to confidently say you're an asshole.

But really, there must be some objective way of measuring assholiness. And my guess is that the rectum would be the best source of the information. And you'd need some sort of medical device that measures, I don't know, something.

So I'd propose the use of an ultrasound wand in the ass to confirm it.

Not being a medical professional, I don't know what you'd be measuring. Level of bile? Level of contempt for women? For humanity? Maybe you could get this with a large swab rather than needing an ultrasound.

But who fucking cares? Let's mandate an ultrasound as well.

It costs more - more for insurance companies to pocket. So they're more likely to lobby for it, no? Which would make politicians more likely to vote for it. There must be other special interest groups I could get on board, don't you think?

Of course I'd leave the details on the testing to the doctors. I mean, they're the professionals. Oh, wait, the OB-GYN's opinions don't actually matter in terms of pregnancy and ultrasound.

So I suppose the best thing to do would be to find a politician to write a bill and then, uh, try to ram it through?

Like I said, my understanding of political processes is kind of sketch.

17 comments:

  1. Lovely idea Lisa...we have a little debate going on over here about "Jayden's Law". Currently, if a baby is stillborn before 20 weeks, the parents don't get a birth certificate. A local couple want this changed so they can get a certificate for Jayden. The local extreme right wing politicians have introduced the law to get certificates as early as 12 weeks. While I feel deeply for the parents of stillborn children, I can't help but assume this is a stealth move to stop second trimester abortions - even for medical reasons. Why else would the Christian right take it on as a pet project???? Maybe they need this anal scan to determine their hidden agenda?

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    1. I agree with you entirely. I feel like any move to get in-utero babies equal rights to already born and living and breathing outside the womb humans is an effort to make abortion illegal. I think a Hidden Agenda Scan sounds like a great idea. Maybe they hide their agendas in their anuses? Who knows?

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  2. Sounds like you know enough Lisa! They're all friggin' idiots and assholes and would hate to waste the $$ of finding out what most of us already know! But I do like the idea of ramming something up their ass!

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    1. Me, too. I try to think of myself as a not-malicious person but I ought to face the fact that I probably am.

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  3. Women can and will make or break this next election. Let's channel that energy well.

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    1. I wish I believed that. There are plenty of women who back Santorum, who wants to take us back to the dark ages.

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  4. - a number of state legislators around the country have introduced bills that would require a waiting period and a prostate exam for a Viagra prescription. I like of like the idea:
    http://www.progressohio.org/blog/2012/03/celeste-bill-would-require-prostrate-exam-for-viagra-seekers-aide-says.html

    - You can't always claim that the OB-GYN's have the women's personal interests at heart. On a national level, both Rep. Ron Paul and Sen. Tom Coburn are OB-GYN's. Both are also staunchly anti-abortion.

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    1. I love that idea. Yeah, you wait and have a prostate check and then we'll decide if you merit the erection pill. Fuckers. (Or, possibly, not.)

      You are so right to point that out. In fact, on a personal level, I have totally experienced that, and in fact now have a deep distrust of OBs, and even some hostility towards them. I think they totally have their own agenda - money, liability - and the interest of the patient is secondary.

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    2. Fuckers (Or, possibly, not.) FUNNY!!!

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  5. Where do I sign your proposal? This is one of the main reasons I have always loved your blog Lisa. The other night my 18 year old son stopped a heated debate at the restaurant when he declared to all the rightwingers/religeous zealots I so happen to marry in to by saying this; "No Body WANTS an abortion!" "How does your god know you are honoring his wishes if you are ordered to?" I was never so proud. Yes everyone is ANTI abortion but don't freaking tell me how to behave! If you're going to do that then outlaw ALL guns and owning ALL guns, oh and cars too....and war...and smoking, etc....and whatever the else you believe might kill. Shit, before you know it we wont be able to think for ourselves. Sign me up! Prob All Politicians or..... PAP for short ;-)

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    1. I love you, Lynn! You raised a good boy - nobody wants one just for kicks, and if you are forced into anything, how can anyone argue that it's God's will? I hope that shut them up. I'm sure it didn't change their minds on anything, but it's kind of satisfying in the moment.

      PAP! Hahahahaha!

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  6. Your know what's even more expensive than an ultrasound? An MRI. And for prostate MRI scans they have this thing called an Endo Rectal Coil, and the coil can be inflated to different volumes.

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    1. Sean, I adore you. You make me laugh and laugh. This sounds ideal for my purposes.

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  7. In addition to your proposal, I'd like to find some way to remove the right to choose on some important issue that would affect men with the same gravity as the right to reproductive choice for women. I'm not sure what could be as meaningful as reproductive rights, but we could start with restricted access to medication for high blood pressure and cholesterol (hey, if pregnancy can be framed as a moral and lifestyle issue instead of a health issue, then so can high blood pressure and cholesterol), a complete ban on masturbation (controlling their sexuality), and just for giggles, forcing them to sit to pee.

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    1. Our HR person told me she has a map with states that shows which ones charge women more than men for health insurance. Is this not galling? I don't want to punish all men - I want to target the fuckfaces trying to take away our rights. The problem is, I can't come up with anything as life-altering or important or urgent as reproduction...

      I do really like Sean's Endo Rectal Coil as politician punishment. But that's not a life-changer. Just a temporary inconvenience.

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  8. Oh...the ultrasound in the ass part did me in...I'm sorry, I know this isn't a funny topic, but I'm DYING laughing at work. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you! I was hoping people would find that idea funny. :)

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