Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So Nick and his dudela walk into the hospital bar...

Ha, no, I'm kidding. I'm a frayed knot. If you know that string joke.

So here's the deal. It dawned on me, as we were walking to work this morning and I would stop every so often to catch my breath after a particularly sharp internal stab to the crotch that actually, I'm not a person who likes to suffer in silence.

In other words: my labor is likely to be rather hard on Nick.

I relayed my epiphany. He wasn't all, "Oh? Do you think so?" More like, "Um, hell yes."

Clearly it's something he's known for quite some time.

I told him that our doula will be very helpful to him as well. To which he replied, "I've been thinking about it, and what I'd really like is a dudela. I need the support. I need someone to hang out with me at the hospital bar."

I'm not kidding you when I say that the night I was induced with Jordan Nick asked one of the nurses where the bar was. He wasn't kidding.

They were rather stern in telling him, in no uncertain terms, that hospitals don't have bars. Although he wasn't joking, if you can't see the humor in a husband's offer to administer the suppository, you aren't going to laugh about a hospital bar.

Now, on the one hand, I think a hospital bar is a great idea. It could be a huge revenue source. Most visits to the hospital are for sad reasons, and you leave wanting something to take the edge off. It would be kind of nice to be there with the edge off. I don't know how that never occurred to me during my myriad visits.

Candidly, all those times my dad was in the emergency room, I'd have headed straight to the bar rather than sitting in the wretched waiting rooms.

But then you figure it's a rather bad idea as well. Because I'm sure the last thing hospitals want are drunken imbeciles wandering the halls. People might get so drunk they'd wind up in the emergency room. Plus there'd be the risk of drunk drivers. Liability would probably be high.

I suggested that Nick's dudela could bring him a flask. In my mind, his dudela would be this big, muscular guy who would sit around and talk football or something else stereotypically manly.

And then, then my dear husband had the temerity to say, "But the dudela isn't going to be a guy. My dudela needs to be a hot woman who can massage my shoulders and sympathize with how stressed I must be."

Pretty sure we won't be hiring her anytime soon, uh, ever.


  1. Oh, that is really funny.
    And I'm very proud of you that you didn't just slap him. Because Nick's remark was the one part of the entire post that wasn't funny. And you're pregnant, forgoodnesssake. He needs to do a better job of thinking before he speaks.
    By the way, re the hospital bar: substance abuse can become a bit of a problem among hospital staff. I don't think we want to do anything more to enable that than we already are doing. Now, put what I just said right out of your mind, because I want you to be feeling really relaxed and optimistic, for the next few weeks especially.
    And some of us may be ready to throw ourselves in front of anyone or anything likely to interfere with that right now. Warn Nick.

    1. Oh, Nancy, Nick is very sweet and so totally OVERprotective of me and of the baby - there's no way this would ever be a real scenario, which is what makes it so funny to me. I think he's actually more anxious about labor than I am.
      As for the staff drinking, I hadn't thought about that, even though I've seen a lot of Grey's Anatomy. Good point you make there!

  2. I think Nick was very clever. He even seems to be prescient about the cutting edge of an industry:

    And I think hospitals needs bars too. They are already pedaling the hard stuff, why draw a line at alcohol?

    1. That's seriously an easy job, particularly compared to a doula. And what a bizarre photo in the article!

      I think for the hard stuff the staff have to hide in supply closets, don't they?

  3. Here's an even better idea! I wonder if the hospital has a gym? Nothing for stress relief like a good workout... And if they had a personal trainer, that could be the dudela. I'm sure a green smoothie would have him feeling better, in the long run.

    1. Hahahaha! Here, Nick, don't stress. Get on a treadmill, do some push-ups, and have a green smoothie!

      I actually LOVE our doula, and she works so well with both of us. It gives me a lot of confidence for how things are going to go.

  4. Perhaps hospitals are too clean to have bars. I'm trying to think of a witty title for one....The Prescription? Put Down The Scalpel? I'm not witty, especially relative to LG and LG readers.

    I think Don Draper brought a flask to the hospital or maybe it was Pete? Don was definitely drinking when his littlest was born.

    1. Ohhh, I love the idea of what to name a hospital bar! I like The Prescription!

      I don't think I saw the episode where Pete's was born. I vaguely remember the one with Don. We've fallen down on the Mad Men this season. We were both disappointed with the first episode and we haven't made time to catch up yet. Bums me out, as it used to be my favorite.

  5. Hey someone should start building bars as close to the hospital as it can get. And the Names! The Paternity Ward, Code Blue, Nurse Ratchet's, The IV League, The Doula Den, Docs and Smocks...
    I'm totally with Nick on the bar part. I really am. Hell they have a Chapel why not a bar? And there is another good name for teh hospital bar...The Chapel. I'll be praying for you there this week that all goes well and smooth as can be.

  6. Oh, Lynn, I love this name game! So fun! As for The Chapel, I'll be praying there soon. :)


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