Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tell them all to f*ck off. For example.
This occurred to me because my friend Heather has a sore throat and said Halls is lucky she's brand loyal, because she finds their cough drop messages condescending.
These messages are news to me. I think I used cough drops last year, though. Maybe I was sucking on old cough drops?
In any case, if you, too, have been sucking old cough drops (which sounds like some kind of terrible euphemism, doesn't it?), I am here to tell you that Halls now gives you little pep talks on your wrappers.
Now, in the same way that I love horoscopes, and fortune cookie messages, although not the cookies, I tend to like this sort of thing. I was charmed when I discovered Bacci and their little love quotes on the inner wrappers. I like the Dove messages.
But a pep talk when I'm not feeling well? Tends to piss me off. I don't want to be told I should just get up, take a shower, and that'll make me feel better!
No. I tend to want to be left alone to die.
So I thought about the kind of messages I might prefer on my cough drops:
"Tell them all to fuck off."
"Get back in bed with a good book."
"My grandmother used whiskey for a cold."
"Raspy voices are hot."
"Sometimes you just feel like shit, and it sucks."
And so forth.
This kind of thing is fun! So then I thought about what I might like in my lovey-dovey chocolates!
"Sleep around as much as you want before you get married."
"Be honest. And a little dirty."
"Nobody really cares what your underwear looks like."
I'm telling you, this is fun!