I wonder if this is what normal feels like, and it's just abnormal for me. For the most part, I just don't feel a whole lot. It's not bad, just weird for me. I think, actually, I'm fine. But just fine to me feels, I don't know, suspect.
The me I'm used to never lacks emotion. I've been told many times that I'm intense, and I think it's true. And the people I gravitate towards are intense. I feel everything so much. Maybe too much? I don't know. It's not always helpful, but it's just how I am. Even when I'd rather not feel, I do. I have tried to stop feeling, to feel less, at times, and it never works.
Emotion sneaks out all of my pores. I have no poker face.
And at some point I realized that I'm kind of inconsistent - whatever I'm feeling in the moment is how I've always felt. Until it changes the next day. Like, if it's rained the past couple days, I feel like it's been raining my entire life, and will this rain ever stop? That part I've been working on for a while, because it's made it very hard for people I've been in romantic relationships with.
If I'm having a bad day, people know. Even if I answer "Fine, thanks!" and smile when asked how I am, people know. My coloring changes. My eyes get flat, and my smile, I know, doesn't reach past my lips. My energy changes. I walk differently.
On the up side, when I'm happy, I have been told that I sparkle, and I think, though it sounds like self-promotion or something, that I do. I beam. I smile with my whole body. You can hear my voice smiling on the phone. When I'm really excited about something I jump up and down, or wiggle in my chair if I am sitting.
When I'm really up, I have all this positive emotion swirling around me. It feels good, to me and to others. It attracts people to me. It makes people excited about projects I'm working on that I like, because I'm just so enthusiastic about them. I know this is true.
I'm not saying everyone loves me - I'm not everyone's cup of chai - but usually I make people feel pretty good. I realize that this ties in somehow to the crazy person on the bus desperately trying to make eye contact and engage me in bellowed conversation from afar. And that's something I'm trying to change as well.
But lately, for the most part, I'm just not feeling things in any kind of extreme way. I'm happy in moments - happy to see my parents, happy to see my friends, laughing when I read something funny. I'm sad in moments, even very sad - like on my Liz Phair opposite of a unicorn day. But mostly, things are fine, just fine.
I'm not complaining, just wondering. Is this how I should be? Is this what normal feels like? I don't know.