Friday, November 21, 2008

6-12

Yesterday Nick forwarded me a birth announcement - baby born at 7:20 that morning - which had been written like a press release. Careful, proper, emotionless.

Presumably, it was sent to a blind copied distribution list. She sent it from her Yahoo email. To her husband's work email. And their joint email account. So all first and last names were on there.

Which I Googled. But that comes later.

The attached picture was of a very thin, attractive, subtly made-up, perfectly-plucked eybrowed blonde woman, lying in a hospital bed, holding a swaddled baby, her handsome, smiling husband at her side.

Nick's email said, "From 6-12. Who would ever send an email like this to their former boyfriends/girlfriends?"

He dated her a couple years before we met. She had an actual name until they broke up.

He liked the fact that she was pretty and smart, if a bit narrow and St. John suit-wearing, Junior League loving, and Republican. Like all of us looking for a life partner and dating and dating, he figured, nobody's perfect.

So at six weeks, she handed him an engagement ring. Or rather, the setting. And said, "This is my grandmother's setting. My parents got engaged at six weeks, and they've been happily married for 35 years. And I expect at least two karats."

And my beloved, whose crazy-dar isn't all that finely tuned, took the ring and put it in his top drawer along with his cuff links and such. You know, instead of running screaming the other direction.

They dated along, going to Junior League-y, Republican-y functions and such. For six more weeks.

At week 12, she turned up at his house and demanded her ring back. It had been long enough. If he didn't know at that point, he wasn't ever going to know. Goodbye.

6-12.

I'd never seen a picture of her. She's pretty. And she works fast - I've never seen a picture of someone immediately post-birth with their hair done and their makeup on. Her husband, according to Google, went to a good law school, worked at a prestigious firm, and is now in the Republican administration. (For like, 15 more minutes.)

After digging in their details, I started wondering why Nick got this message. They didn't stay in touch; they aren't friends.

Did she send this to everyone in her Yahoo address book? Or accidentally include him on her list? Hard to believe someone that carefully put together would be that careless. Could it really be just to show him what he missed out on?

So I decided that Nick should send her a picture of my vagina. He can just pretend she's on his distribution list.

20 comments:

  1. Laughing out loud.

    An excellent idea, really. Though one suspects that a reply to the effect of, "Nice family, congratulations. Why do you look so familiar, again?" might produce an equally dramatic response.

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  2. A couple nights ago, one of B's exes (also super, super crazy, but that's his story to tell) called to tell him she had chlamydia. And that he should call all the other girls he'd "DONE THIS TO" and let them know.

    They dated for like, 5 minutes, a year and a half ago.

    I may or may not have sent her a little message saying, "We're been checked recently and we're all good over here! Thanks for your concern, and good luck!"

    Whoops.

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  3. OMG- i will pay you a million dollars if you really send her a picture of your va-jay-jay. Of course, that million will have to be paid over the next 50 years with a 0% interest rate...

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  4. Your vagina, of course, will have it's makeup on and hair done.

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  5. pee my pants funny!

    You always have to wonder when these group emails come in, and you're SOO not expecting it.

    In fact, I got one recently from this guy I went to high school with, who had always had a crush on, who I actually, had, by chance, ending up sleeping with a few years back. The sex was awful, AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL, and one night not long after, I got drunk and accidentally spilled about how bad he was in bed to a mutual acquaintance. Oops.

    Which of course, then the friend told Derek, and then Derek drunk dialed me and told me how bad I was in bed, in front of of all of our mutual friends. Luckily in a situation like that, whoever said it first is usually perceived as being the most truthful. or victorious, whatever.

    So a few weeks ago, I got an email from him updating me on his life, asking for my address, as he'd recently gotten engaged and was throwing a birthday party for his beloved. Pictures of him and a mousy looking girl with over large teeth were attached.

    My thoughts: WTF? Did he MEAN to put me on this list? And if so, why? Did he want me to come to this party? I was truly perplexed...

    But the schadenfreude I felt looking at his poor fiance, knowing that she had to suffer through his insanely weird sexual acrobatics was rather satisfying. Or something.

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  6. Jessica - While a good suggestion, unfortunately, I'm quite sure Nick is going to take neither of our ideas. Also, does her husband know she's included a random ex (or maybe more than one) on the list? What if he wrote back to both addresses?

    LiLu - Excellent, really. A perfect response to crazypants behavior.

    JoLee - For an actual million dollars, I would definitely do this.

    saratogajean - HAHAHAHAHA! Of course.

    Slightly Disorganized - Absolutely he wanted you on the list. He needed to prove to you that he's desireable. Maybe you think he's bad in bed, but she thinks he's great.

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  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh that is hilarious. That woman has deep-seated insecurities, to send off a birth announcement to people she is no longer (or possibly ever really was) friends with. I mean, who exactly is she trying to convince w/that? Herself or...?

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  8. I have known that woman, dated that woman, ran screaming like a man whose hair is on fire from that woman. So glad Nick's luck has turned.

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  9. You do make me laugh so hard. I wasn't able to birth a baby without mussing my hair and lipstick until kid #3.

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  10. Nick is SOOO lucky! Both to have you and to have narrowly avoided life with a control freak.
    I think there must be myriad reasons Republican men like domineering women.

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  11. "So I decided that Nick should send her a picture of my vagina. He can just pretend she's on his distribution list."

    Proof positive that the lad's crazy-dar still doesn't work. Heh.

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  12. HAHAHAHA *snort!*
    oh my, you co crack me up. :)

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  13. er, do. DO crack me up. :)

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  14. Mark -- hilarious. And true, but in a good way!

    If that was her first baby, she's definitely made a deal with the devil. I was a sweaty, puffy mess after having a baby, and didn't look remotely presentable for at least a week.

    One more thing -- does Nick actually *have* a picture of your vagina? Actually, never mind. I don't want to know. ;)

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  15. If he really wants to get the last word in, he should send his congratulations and an update on his life. Like you know, how he met and married a woman in less than a year and how he's deliriously happy.

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  16. sounds like nick got away at the right time! it was probably a "look what you're missing out on" type of thing. but look at what he's gained!
    she's a creepy girl.

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  17. Ryane - It's definitely weird. Yes, you're right, who is she trying to convince?

    RestaurantRefugee - You are a smart, smart man.

    DCup - I like the vision of you having your hair perfectly done and your lipstick on.

    Mark - You are oh so right and I am oh so lucky for it.

    A.S. - I'd be happy to co crack you up. :)

    Wendy - Yes, first baby! I know - every human around is a sweaty, puffy mess! And I promise, no vagina pictures. (Although, as I said above, I would for a million bucks.)

    Anonymous - I think he's OK just letting it go. Personally, I feel like there's more power in that.

    brookem - Creepy girl - hahaha! I do believe it was a missing out kind of email.

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  18. THIS! This is why I ADORE YOU.

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  19. I know someone who did that with the ring, and she STILL doesn't understand why he broke up with her.

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  20. Boy...wow. "6-12." That's a woman with an agenda. It's all about measuring-up in that case, rather than actually falling in love. Sad.

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