The truth is, contrary to what I said yesterday, I don't actually shove anyone. Or do anything violent.
I just want to. Sometimes, I really, really have to check myself.
And being uncomfortable and tired and angry and pregnant, I shock myself with how on the verge I am to doing and saying some very bad things.
I want to ask this one woman if it makes her feel good to behave like such a bitch-faced see-you-next-Tuesday. Or if she just can't help it.
Isn't that awful?
On sidewalks I seriously want to shove pedestrians who are slower than me (at this point, you have to fucking work to be slower than me). And, on the metro escalators, when people are standing on the left rather than walking. I sometimes just want to pinch the person in front of me, very hard.
It wouldn't be productive. It's just to be mean.
I've been stuck in the crush of rush hour and someone has inserted their arm between my face and the pole in the metro car. And I've come very close to biting.
The things that deter me: One, ew, some random person's arm. And two, it's probably considered assault, and you could really get in trouble.
But I've considered the consequences in that order.
And asshole drivers? When someone speeds up to get in front of me, just to slow down, or cuts me off, I have this nearly irrepressible urge to speed up and slam into the back of them. Repeatedly.
And slooow pedestrians in front of my car? The ones in the zebra crosswalk, who know they have the right of way, and look over at you, and then amble as slowly as possible?
I have momentary visions of mowing them over. Just because.
Also, I've long fantasized about having a huge hammer on the top of my car. Huge. And when someone iss a tremendous dickbag of a driver, you could drive up to them, push a button, and have the hammer slam into the roof of their car.
Not hard enough to injure anyone. But hard enough to do some serious damage.
Yes, I know I'd be liable, and it would just be a bad idea all around.
But I imagine that in the moment it would just feel so good.