Monday, July 27, 2009

Except that I'm sure I'd get arrested. Plus I believe in Karma.

The truth is, contrary to what I said yesterday, I don't actually shove anyone. Or do anything violent.

I just want to. Sometimes, I really, really have to check myself.

And being uncomfortable and tired and angry and pregnant, I shock myself with how on the verge I am to doing and saying some very bad things.

I want to ask this one woman if it makes her feel good to behave like such a bitch-faced see-you-next-Tuesday. Or if she just can't help it.

Isn't that awful?

On sidewalks I seriously want to shove pedestrians who are slower than me (at this point, you have to fucking work to be slower than me). And, on the metro escalators, when people are standing on the left rather than walking. I sometimes just want to pinch the person in front of me, very hard.

It wouldn't be productive. It's just to be mean.

I've been stuck in the crush of rush hour and someone has inserted their arm between my face and the pole in the metro car. And I've come very close to biting.

The things that deter me: One, ew, some random person's arm. And two, it's probably considered assault, and you could really get in trouble.

But I've considered the consequences in that order.

And asshole drivers? When someone speeds up to get in front of me, just to slow down, or cuts me off, I have this nearly irrepressible urge to speed up and slam into the back of them. Repeatedly.

And slooow pedestrians in front of my car? The ones in the zebra crosswalk, who know they have the right of way, and look over at you, and then amble as slowly as possible?

I have momentary visions of mowing them over. Just because.

Also, I've long fantasized about having a huge hammer on the top of my car. Huge. And when someone iss a tremendous dickbag of a driver, you could drive up to them, push a button, and have the hammer slam into the roof of their car.

Not hard enough to injure anyone. But hard enough to do some serious damage.

Yes, I know I'd be liable, and it would just be a bad idea all around.

But I imagine that in the moment it would just feel so good.


  1. These sentiments aren't necessarily linked to pregnancy, I think. I've had similar thoughts, but I can attest that I'm definitely not pregnant, just sleep deprived and crabby. The hammer on the car one is new to me though. Definitely worth considering...

  2. "Face it lady, we're younger and faster."

    (she rear ends their car 6 times)

    "Face it girls, I'm older and have more insurance."


  3. Susan - I've had thoughts like these for as long as I remember. But I've never been so close to actually saying or doing mean things.

    I love the big hammer on top of the car. How shocked would people be?

    Dagny - YES!!! I love that film, and that scene is amazing. She is exactly who I think of! It would feel so good.

  4. Reminds me of that scene in "Fried Green Tomatoes" Some young girls whip around a corner and steal Kathy Bates' parking space. They get out of the car and say "see, we're younger and faster!" So she backs into their car repeatedly. As she's driving away, she says "See? I'm older and I have more insurance!"

  5. It's all about balance. And Karma. You're more tired and uncomfortable than usual so to balance out, you're closer to the other side (great idea - huge hammer). Totally get it. It's the same reason I'm grumpy in the morning and equally happy at night.

  6. This pretty much goes for both pregnant and non-pregnant women as well as men. I feel the same way every time I ride metro. Especially when it's tourist season.

  7. you pretty much just described my daily commute

  8. oh man does this hit home! i've often thought of pulling alongside people and just yanking my wheel as hard as i can to slam into their car and just drive them off the road. oh and, someday i WILL breakdown and write PICK A SPEED on a piece of paper and just hold it up as i drive by people.... i do not put this past myself, people are just SO DAMN ridiculous!

  9. cla517 - Exactly. It's so fantastic.

    HKW- You are so sweet, and of course you put a positive spin on it! :)

    Marie - I know. Nothing makes you more bitter than idiot tourists on metro. Grr.

    Hillary - Ugh ugh ugh.

    notsojenny - Yes, I've also had that impulse too. It's terrible. And I'm not the world's best driver, but I'm not deliberately rude or stupid.

  10. A friend of mine signed up for an anger management class and asked me to come for moral support. I declined because seriously, once you're on the record for attending one of those things, you can no longer pretend the (insert incident here) was an accident.
    ps - I rock your metro. We sew those smartrip thingies into our sleeves so we can go through the turnstiles Jedi-knight-style.

  11. Being this pregnant?

    Has turned you into how I feel EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    Not sure what that says about me...

  12. I have this rage about something at least once a day. I don't think I should ever be allowed to get pregnant.

  13. They need pregnancy kicking people's ass instead of pregnancy yoga.

  14. Ha! Angry pregnant Lisa reminds me of my Angry American - which I don't even have the excuse of pregnancy or hormones to blame on! Just think - when your little man comes you can have him pinch annoying strangers for you, cuz whose gonna report a two year old?

  15. Aren't all things forgiven if you're pregnant?

    Check my blog later, I'm leaving you something!!!

  16. I sometimes think I'm speaking in tongues when driving in rush hour traffic. The words that come out of my mouth are words that very few people utter, for fear of being cast out of society and shunned by their loved ones.

  17. Oh, man, I totally needed this laugh this morning...I've been trying to figure out where the small amount of patience I used to have went and keep imagining just kicking people out of my way. Glad to know I have company.

    I do advise against biting though - they can prove it was you based on your dental records.

  18. It would feel so, so good in the moment, but the guilt that ensued? Not worth it. (Spoken by a lifelong catholic guilt sufferer.)

  19. Wow, you sound just like me. I also think those thoughts to myself on a daily basis. I love the hammer idea...if only it existed!

    I think I just hate slow drivers/walkers... a lot.


Tell me about it.