We had our birthing class on Saturday. And I am about to have the first of my weekly OB appointments.
The coincidental timing was good, I think.
Today will be the first internal exam, where he checks to see if the boy is head-down, and apparently, examines the state of my cervix.
I had no idea this began already or that you have this slow progression of your cervix changing. And did you know that only 12% of women's water breaks on its own?
I thought everyone's did.
Turns out I've seen too many movies where the woman's water breaks and suddenly she's in labor. She gets rushed off to the hospital. It all goes fast fast fast and the woman groans a lot but then very quickly there's a happy ending and all are delighted.
When I write it out like that, it makes it sound kind of like porn, doesn't it?
So our birthing class.
Although I'd read about it, I didn't quite understand, but when she explained effacement and dilation I got it.
Her analogy was a Life Saver - as you suck on it the center hole gets bigger and thinner. Although, as Nick correctly observed, a Certs would've been a better one, as Life Savers start out with a hole.
So your cervix, it starts out all thick and closed. It needs to get veryvery thin. Until there's a hole. And then the hole needs to get bigger and bigger.
She demonstrated the checking amount of dilation by sticking two fingers up in the air.
Kind of like the guy I went on that date with describing the ex-girlfriend sticking her finger in his butt.
So she explained how they know roughly how many centimeters if they can poke two fingers in, and then the progression.
Basically, as she explained it, you have to get to the point where there's no more cervix left covering the head.
To demonstrate, she swept these two fingers around in a big circle. Sweeping them around the baby's head. No more cervix! Baby's head can come out!
Nick and I both kind of clenched at this flourish of a round sweep.
I was sitting there half fascinated and half eeeeeee! That! That big going round sweeping motion! That's going to be taking place in my hoo-ha! In a matter of weeks!
That and plenty more!
Holy crap.
Oh man. You are brave. Much braver than I.
ReplyDeleteBut really, it's going to be great. I'm so excited for you.
Wow. Um. Thanks for all of that.... um.... info. And um... have fun ... with .... that.
ReplyDeleteI am so excited for you and Nick!!! Although, this does terrify me. Immensely. I'm sure the birth will be a beautiful, stretchy thing! :-p
ReplyDeleteHoly crap indeed. THey did tell you that it is not uncommon for women to have a bowel movement during birth, right?
ReplyDeleteYou know, the advice I've heard given to expectant moms is oddly similar to that I've heard given to those trying psychedelics for the first time.
ReplyDeleteFind something familiar and happy to focus on, and keep your mind on that the whole time, rather than what's going on with your body.
But, you know. We're apparently built to do this. It's all supposed to happen, no matter how... unusual it may sound.
putting the baby in seems a lot more fun then getting it out
ReplyDeleteI have no words. Just ... fear.
ReplyDeleteoh man, when people begin talking about the atrocities(sp?) of labor i squirm in my seat, i rub my arms, i curl up into a ball... anything to comfort me!
ReplyDeletequite honestly i've heard just about every gruesome(sp?) detail there is thanks to my mommy friends and OBGYN friends and it's something that makes me seriously think about a surrogate.
uggh... the thoughts of what happens DURING labor and the weeks of healing after... shivers down my spine, lumps in my throat... i do not envy you for those things, only for the awesome little man you'll have once it's all over!
and Sgt Social Worker's comment just made my week! hahaha
ReplyDeleteDangy and Sgt. Social Worker's comments are much more eloquent than what I had to say :)
ReplyDeletei feel like i have definitely heard jokes before about labor pain sounds being eerily similar to sex-pleasure sounds...good luck with your weekly appointments and counting down to the Big Day!
ReplyDelete...sorry, I had to read about the finger up the butt guy before I could comment.
ReplyDeleteButt story - wow! I'm still laughing. Did you reply to his Republican question with "No, it's because I prefer to use 3 fingers instead of 1"?
Birthing class/porno - I imagine there was a lot of flinching/clenching going on during that lesson! At least you are not alone, but I still think that is quite the initiation fee to join to mommy club.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI wasn't prepared for it at all. I kept yelling in my head for 24 hours of pain..."Don't do this again, don't do this again!" And for the record I screamed as loud as I could outside my head too. But man oh man I was not prepared either for the falling so in Love! In an instant! For that part, I envy you. I'm sending you pop it out like a bar of soap sort of vibes for the next four weeks. Oh, and I did do it again. But I waited 6 years! Gee are we scaring you yet?
At the risk of sounding really creepy... I've watched a water birth video, and it sounded remarkably like porn. I expected worst-pain-of-your-life kind of screaming, and was surprised to hear some REALLY sexual moaning.
ReplyDeleteAny chance that class was at Virginia Hospital Center? My wife and I went to a birthing class on Sunday and nurse used lifesavers for the same demonstration. She also made us watch a video of 4 actual births.
ReplyDeleteI can say in all honesty that I am sure watching the woman I love give birth to my first born will be truly amazing and beautiful, but I never...EVER...want to watch strangers give birth again. Ever...
I was really surprised by your Dr's 12% statistic since my midwife had told me that in the UK they never break the water unless there is an unusual or urgent need. This might provide a little more perspective http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Breaking_the_Water
ReplyDeletesince this seems to be a uniquely American statistic. After all, is it really likely that 88% of babies would be permanently trapped inside the amniotic sac without a Dr's intervention? How on earth did we manage to overpopulate the earth in that case?
I will be the first to tell you that labor totally sucks. But then it's over, and you've got a baby and you don't think about the labor part so much.
ReplyDeleteMy water didn't break when I went into labor with Zeke -- the docs broke it when I got the epidural so they could put Zeke on a monitor.
Fearless - For quite a while I was terrified. Now that it's getting close to the end, I'm more excited and wanting to have him out than scared. Well, depends on the day. But mostly.
ReplyDeleteJules - Yah, I know. Yikes.
moosie - The details, when you're confronted with them, definitely make you clenchy. And thanks! :)
Jo - Yes. I was horrified when I heard this the first time. The nurse who taught the class said they're cleaning up so much stuff the whole time that they don't even mention it, just clean it up along with everything else.
Dagny - That really made me laugh. I'm a person who would really not do well on psychedelics, so I've never headed that direction, but that makes A LOT of sense to me. Good advice.
And we really are - and people give birth in rice paddies without all the drugs and complicated machinery...but I'm glad to have the option of drugs and complicated machinery.
Sgt. Social Worker - No kidding! And I feel like seriously, I have to shove a baby out? I suppose after that you would never look at someone's penis and think, crap, that's never fitting in here!
Hillary - I was all terrified and hysterical with all the stuff I was reading in the beginning until a friend of mine told me I wasn't allowed to read or learn anything about labor until I was so close to the end I could barely stand it. And I am there.
notsojenny - I know. I've been told all kinds of terrible things. And you apparently stay sore for quite a while. And all your down there bits are not the same again. It's a trauma, actually.
But I'm so fucking excited about the baby. :)
HKW - I doubt that, but they are both bright, funny, interesting commenters!
lustyreader - It's all very primal, isn't it? And thank you! Totally counting down!
plt - I WISH I thought fast enough to say that. That makes me laugh.
And yes. We were sitting in the back, and there was definitely some twitching in front of us.
Lynn - I figure, I've lived through some terrible things, and I've done some very physically challenging things, and I am really, really strong and stubborn. So there's no way I can't do this. And I just feel like that baby is so close!
Lisa - Yah - I watched some too, and now that you mention it, you are so completely right.
Anonymous - No, it was at my OB's office. And we didn't have to watch any birth videos, for which I was very thankful. They both gross me out and make me cry, which I really don't want to do in a roomful of strangers. I see no reason to watch strangers give birth if it's not up your alley.
Maude - You make a very good point, and I am not at all surprised to hear that. The American approach seems to be all hurry-up, let's process you through. All these interventions, all the scheduled C-sections, and so much for the convenience of doctors rather than delivering mothers.
Wendy - But I suppose if they hadn't been putting him on a monitor, it would've just broken on its own? Maybe that scenario figures largely into the statistic?
The water will always break eventually, though sometimes not until labor is over (i.e., the baby is born in a caul, or inside the amniotic sac).
ReplyDeleteOhhhh! I had no idea. But that totally makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI remember years ago that our puppies were born in sacs!
Really, I'm not laughing. Nope. Not laughing one bit.
ReplyDelete(It's bad, but how bad can it be if I went through it three times with no drugs, sound and facial expressions that MathMan says I couldn't duplicate now if I tried, a bit of puking and a stern threat that the next person who told me to push "just one more time" was going to get a fist in the face?)
Oh and a warning if you do try the no drugs route, if your water hasn't broken and your OB offers to break your water to speed things up, expect what they call transition to happen pretty quickly. That's usually when the pain made me hurl. And the breaking water feels like you just peed the bed.
Did they tell you about stripping the membranes? That's not so delightful, but can make labor start if you're going late.
Childbirth....fun stuff! You're going to be okay.
P.S. Ask for stool softener right after you deliver. You've heard my first poo horror story, right?
Shutting up now.
My dear, that's exactly what I would be saying to myself if I were in your situation.
ReplyDeleteNot that your birthing situation won't be completely awesome. Because it will. Don't listen to the scared, non-child having girl-bloggers! :)
Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly for you! I only made it to 7, so while I now sport a very large scar across the top of my girly bits, I at least have an intact, non-stretched out hoo ha! Oh, and I ditto Lisa's recommendation on the stool softener.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the next class she will show you all the positions you can be in to give birth. If you are real lucky maybe she will be on the ground spread eagle as she accidentally rips a huge fart on another couple in the room and says "Oops, it happens".
ReplyDeleteFrom experience I would suggest you don't laugh hysterically.