Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The kind of helpful suggestion that can make a pregnant woman stabby

We were inching down the block towards dinner.

Nick, adjusting his stride to near stasis to accommodate me. And me, rocking back and forth, trying to propel myself forward with as much alacrity and grace as possible.

I'm kidding about the grace part. That never figures into anything anymore.

The truth is that now I just do whatever I can to go forward. Keeping moving, I have discovered, is important.

You stop and you're screwed. Restarting? Very hard.

So at this point I should mention that my husband, like many men, is a problem solver. And generally, he's very, very good at it.

And most of the time, I appreciate it.

Most of the time.

So he steps, and I plod, and this is clearly a lot of work.

And I, who wanted to stay home and eat Popsicles, rather than struggling out the door for dinner in the first place, am not remotely subtle about the fact that I am not having any fun.

Plod. Scowl. Plod. Grimace.

"Lis?"

"Yah."

"I was thinking about how your hips are hurting."

"Uh huh."

"They hurt all the time?"

"All the fucking time now."

"Well, do you think they'd hurt less if you didn't walk like that?"

"What?"

"Maybe try not walking like a duck and see if that helps."

23 comments:

  1. Nick! What the shit?! Seriously! There are no words.

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  2. Oh, my. Oh my.

    I think I've just discovered the biological justification for why most mothers get all gooey as they bond with their newborns.

    It's the only thing that keeps them from murdering the father, once they're mobile enough.

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  3. ahahaha
    silly men. just strap a huge pile of clothes/pillows/whatever to his stomach and ask him to not walk like a duck... see how well he does

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  4. Hillary - He really was trying to be constructive. And he got a huge earful, as you may imagine.

    Maiden Metallurgist - It's true. Although it's totally the kind of harshly frank thing I'd say to him...he just doesn't have a place to blog about it.

    Dagny - In his defense, he's been incredibly spectacular about so much pregnancy shit. And he's such a supportive character that I really think he thought he had the solution to my hip problem.

    Plus I'd really, really miss him.

    notsojenny - I said something along the "you fucking try being pregnant" lines, and maybe with the "asshole" word thrown in a couple times.

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  5. Ha! Please let him know, from a fellow pregnant woman, that trying not to "walk like a duck" makes your hips hurt WORSE. That's where they are now and trying to move them back to their initial position out of sheer strength of will is a futile and excruciating experience.

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  6. HAHAHAHA

    He went there.

    Ah well, I firmly believe all men do at one time. Most don't mean to. They just don't realize what they are saying.

    Brian said to me once while I was carrying Betti, "Could you waddle a little faster honey? Marion's being difficult."

    To which I replied, "Why don't you just call me a fat ass, honey."

    Almost done, Lis. Almost done. Then you can put him on diaper duty. That was Brian's job with Marion. After you've carried the kid for so long and then produce milk to feed him, it is the least he could do. :-)

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  7. I wonder if he offered that comment only because he knows that, given the difference in your heights (and pregnant tummy) any slap would likely land in his midsection, and not near his face? Or was his comment really meant to be helpful? Too funny (but only to us non-pregnant ones).

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  8. Men can be clueless. Its not our fault. I believe its genetic. Please don't kill us.

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  9. Yeah, when my pregnant friends explained the whole "my hips are dislocating themselves" thing to me, I kinda freaked out a little. That doesn't sound pleasant at all.

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  10. KLZ - I just see no other way to do it. My feet turn themselves out, and then I kind of rock side to side, with slow but constant forward motion.

    mrsmac - Ohh, that is hilarious! Waddle faster!

    Yes, he totally went there. He has been awesome about telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, and how fabulous, and he does all kinds of nice things for me. And I know he WILL do all kinds of things for the kid.

    But maybe I didn't realize I walk like a duck now??? :)

    Susan - It was meant to be helpful. Which doesn't mean it didn't infuriate me at the time. But the intentions were good.

    Al In The County - I know, and I believe it's genetic too. I sometimes think how much easier it could be to be a lesbian. But there are so many things I love about men.

    Fearless - Crap. I didn't realize that's what is happening. No wonder they ache so fucking much.

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  11. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but jeez, boys are dumb sometimes.

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  12. You can thank the hormone relaxin for that waddle. And you can doubly thank it when it makes childbirth easier :) You're looking fantastic!

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  13. Ha ha ha! I really want to know what was said (or done) after that comment!

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  14. Wendy - I know, boys. It's true.

    lacochran - Yah.

    Tia - Relaxin! I love how they name these things. I will definitely be thanking it for easier childbirth.

    And thank you!

    plt - I said something like, "Listen, asshole, I'm just trying to put one fucking foot in front of the other and get down the street. YOU try being pregnant." It's not verbatim, but very close.

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  15. Maybe you could try walking like a crab instead. You know, like scuttle sideways?

    Good thing you can't stab me through a computer.

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  16. I applaud the young man. When my wife was pregnant, I said to her, "here's an idea... hear me out... we put a fish tank of water around your belly, hang it off your shoulders, so that when you walk, the belly's in water and it won't be so bad...." (I think this was met by the "smartass shit-head" response.)

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  17. Classic!!!
    I'm sorry Lisa but Nick is a gem isnt he. I know you didnt think so at the time but hell this one will make you laugh well into the future. He's ballsy, smart, cute and has a great sense of humour really. No wonder you kept him. :)

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  18. Is Nick still in possession of his balls? His front teeth? His kneecaps?

    Surely he jests. I love a funny man. As long as I'm not the one who is pregnant.

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  19. I think I would've punched him in the face.

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  20. If you didn't use one of those nice, wobbly, super-flexible hip joints to kick him repeatedly from multiple different angles, you are a *much* stronger woman than I.

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  21. So, does he have one shiner or two?

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