"The kid has got to come out."I said this to Nick last night, as he was packing for yet another work trip.
I was struggling to rearrange my pillows and settle into bed, and I made this announcement. "End of the week is 37. He's almost cooked. I need him out."
He froze.
He got that look on his face that you see on animals when you happen across them in the yard and the two of you notice each other at the same time.
You're all, "Oh, a bunny/deer! Eating Betty's lilies!"
And they're all, "Fuck! A human! But on the other hand, these Stargazers are so delicious. . ."
It's gotten harder and harder. By it I mean everything.
And then, at 3 am the night before, Nick had to help me get out of bed to pee.
I could not get to the edge of the bed. I couldn't sit up. I was stuck.
I struggled and struggled, and my side was cramping because I reallyreally had to pee. And that same cramp would keep me from moving very much, because it was so hurty.
So I'd thrash and grasp and it would clench and I'd be all "fuckfuckfuck." But very softly, so as not to wake Nick.
I weighed the inconvenience and embarrassment of wetting the bed versus trying waking Nick to tell ask him if he could haul me out of bed.
Which would be worse? Our mattress, very heavy. And we have no way to dry sheets.
On the other hand, I'm essentially admitting to needing a crane lift out of bed.
I tried, I really tried.
Somewhere in my process of shifting pillows and clutching for the headboard and trying to pull and snuffling and shuffling and gasping and cursing under my breath, Nick woke up, wondering what all the commotion was about.
And in a very small voice I said, "I have to pee. And I can't get up."
And so he came over to my side of the bed, scooped one hand under my belly, pulled my shoulders with the other, and got me upright.
He called me later that day. "I think we've hit a new low."
The kid, he needs to come out.
Also, I know it looks like I'm being saved by an Amish man. And it's hard to tell what kind of outfit I might be wearing.
But you see, it started out looking like he and I were both naked, and though it's just stick figures, it just seemed very wrong. And then I thought he needed a hardhat to make it clear.
And you know how this kind of thing goes...
You don't need a crane! Also, I wasn't sure if he was Amish or Hasidic - because, you see, the Amish? Not so versed in the ways of motorized construction equipment. If you need help getting out of bed, do NOT call the amish.
ReplyDeleteOr a really conservative Hasidim. They can't touch any woman who isn't their wife.
Can Betty drive a forklift?
This would only be funnier if you slept in a hammock. The anecdotes that that would produce!
ReplyDelete37 weeks?! Getting close there, Cookie! So excited for you.
Dagny - You made both Jenny and me laugh so hard with this. You are completely right. Note to self: no turning to the Amish or Hasidim for this kind of help.
ReplyDeleteBetty, however, not the best option. Maybe one of our new neighbors.
FreckledK - Although if I peed in the hammock it would at least dry quickly...
Thank you - I know, getting there!
Amish Guy to the rescue! Hang in there, not much longer now...
ReplyDelete37 weeks - woo-hoo! You and Nikc are so sweet - him for helping and you for whispering curse words trying not to wake him (and not hitting him with a pillow as a cry for help as I would have done). I love LG posts with custom drawings - made my day :)
ReplyDeleteYou are practically there! And, FWIW, you make pregnant look like a breeze, when, clearly, it's not.
ReplyDeletei should know by now, i really should. i spent about 5 minutes staring at your drawing, trying to figure out why you were jumping out of a window, and what was hubs doing? and the wacky guy with the machine? it was all very crazy. i stared some more and reread the title and figured this was about renting machinery to pull the baby out.
ReplyDeletei should know by now to glance at the drawing, read your story, then go back to appreciate the drawing.
here's to hoping you can get up to pee while he's on a work trip... or at least wet the bed without caring : )
I admire your restraint. I would have no qualms about waking Shawn up with a swift punch to the nuts and a shrill "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
ReplyDeleteoh... you poor woman. Laugh now and believe me later. This is the easy part. Wait until the kid is about one and starts walking. That's when it gets hard. Or when they hit two and start throwing tantrums. Right ... in... the ... middle of ... aisle 13... And you're all like... "I need to go eat a gun."
ReplyDeleteBut you're almost there!
ReplyDeleteI know, you'd probably like to punch me now.
:-)
ReplyDeleteAlmost there. But vent all you want in the meantime. I love your perspective on all of this. And your posts remind me of all of the joys of pregnancy.
Hahaha. ha. ha?
Fearless - No, not much longer. Hanging in, hanging in!
ReplyDeleteHKW - I think I will go directly to the cry for help from here on out. And glad you like the drawings. :)
lacochran - Man, I appreciate that. I think if you spent some concerted time with me, you'd revise your opinion, though.
notsojenny - I know, I'm a very unreliable illustrator. But I try!
Hillary - That makes me laugh. Hard.
Anonymous - Yikes yikes yikes. I keep thinking, no matter how hard it is going forward, at least I'll have my body back.
Marie - Not at the moment, but maybe later.
mrsmac - You know, now that I think about it, you were so not complainy about pregnancy inconveniences! And you had some big ones!
the boy will be here before you know it! better tell nick to knock off the business trips, lest he miss the birth . . .
ReplyDeletehahaha! Yours is my favorite blog! The picture was great too - although I'm glad you explained the outfits at the end. You're almost there - then it'll be lots of poo and pee - but it won't be yours, LOL - very exciting: )
ReplyDeleteLG + posts with hand-drawn images = Da Best! Just wondering: Do we get a "Labor has begun" post? That could be fun. Or have Nick tweet from delivery. That would be legen-wait for it-dary!
ReplyDelete"I think we've hit a new low." Love that. Start talking to that child of yours. Pronto.
ReplyDeletecan't spot you in lilus nintendo pic! (:
ReplyDeleteLJ - I know! These are his last trips till Sept, and couldn't be gotten out of. My mom and Tejal have all the numbers and directions and details, should Nick be elsewhere when we head to the hospital.
ReplyDeleteKate - Oh, thank you! Yes, I realized that my drawing skills are lacking, and a little explanation could help a whole lot. :)
FoggyDew - Ha! Thank you! And yes, I'm sure. Although I cannot imagine us tweeting from delivery.
Jules - I talk to him all the time. Sometimes I tell him he's awesome, and sometimes I tell him to stop poking me in the wherever. :)
Anonymous - I think the very top of my blonde head might show. I am very short, and I am in the way back.
This makes me so happy - I was just thinking this past weekend how much I enjoy your posts where you exhibit your art work via Paint!!! You've got skills, Lis!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with these last couple weeks. I'm praying for you that the boy arrives soon (now that he's fully cooked and all ) :)