Friday, December 11, 2009

My trail of heart crumbs

A little piece of my heart breaks off every time I leave in the morning.

There could be a trail of heart crumbs between my home and my office.

The last couple mornings, instead of falling right back to sleep after eating, he's been all chit-chatty. Nick doesn't usually see much of him at night, so he gets his baby fix before work.

And he is hilarious. He talks and beams, shoves his fist in his mouth, pulls it out, and chats some more. My face regularly gets sore from smiling so much.

Somehow, I never expected going back to work to be this hard. Not just in terms of the pumping, or the getting milk organized, or the readjusting to an outside schedule, although all of those things have me spinning.

But not being with my baby, after such intense time together? Oh, this tramples me.

Days with a baby are long and exhausting. There are a lot of tedious moments. But boy, is there so much fun and sweetness. I don't think I've ever had such a sense of purpose.

And Wednesday evening I got home after my first day at work, and Jordan was sitting on my mom's lap. He looked at me very coolly, then turned his head away. I got his attention, and he gave me the same, oh, you, kind of look. And turned his head the other way.

My mom was all, "That's your pretty mama! Your mama's home!"

He ignored me. He looked up at Betty and beamed.

You wouldn't think a four-month old could hurt your feelings, would you?

It took him a while to warm up to me. And then he got hungry and we were all tight again.

If it weren't Betty, I think it would just kill me. Although it aches me not to be there, I love that they have such a good time together. She loves him like crazy, and wow, does he love her right back.


  1. Seeing that pic, I can imagine you are devastated to leave every single morning. Such a beauty, that kid of yours.

  2. My god, Lisa. That photo should come with some sort of warning label. Like "Warning: Your ovaries are about to explode" or something.

  3. so very bittersweet . . .

  4. Oh, I know, I know, I know. It's so effing hard, isn't it? Hang in there. I'd say it gets better, but well... at 5 1/2 months old (working since 3 months), it still sucks every morning.

  5. It does get better. But, ow.
    So glad for you that Betty is with him.

  6. aww, you're gonna make me cry.
    i can only imagine how hard it is to do, to go back to work. and my hubs and i have discussed it and while he thought i would stay home i really want to work but i guess we'll see what happens. it's such a struggle between wanting to be you and wanting to be Mom... ugh, i guess you just do it one day at a time? i guess you just look forward to when he's 1 and you walk through the door from work and when he turns his head and sees you he BEAMS and runs for you arms wide open!
    and i totally agree with Hillary!!

  7. I can't usually connect with a blog about babies, or the feelings that come with having a child. I don't have kids, so I think it could be expected that I wouldn't necessarily feel a post about babies as much as I would something I have experienced, like a post about relationship or pets.

    But this? I really felt this. I think that means you are a good writer, and a good mom. So congrats on both.

  8. I got a lump in my throat as the memories flooded back, reading "a trail of heart crumbs between my home and my office." My son was older, a toddler, still I cried off and on in the washroom at work those first few days.

    Years later, I saw more trails of heart crumbs, as my foster daughters left their babies for work.

    We didn't have a Betty in our lives. God bless her cotton socks!

  9. I hated being the other woman. I got used to it, but I never got over it. I'm glad, at least, that it's Betty. I mean, really, if you have to share with someone, I can't think of a better person.


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