Coming to terms with who you are

I went to Costco on my day off - Monday, January 2. As did 800 million other people.

The nightmarishly packed Costco parking lot, the shoving giant carts through giant aisles engorged with people staggering around like they've had head injuries, the thronging hordes clogging every single sample-offering intersection - all of it makes me hate humanity.

It makes me question who I am at core. Which, it is my understanding, is how old-school Republicans feel in the current political world.

And yet, going back to Costco, yet I am drawn back time and again by the 50-gallon jars of pickles, the 84 dozen organic eggs, the 600 boxes of Kleenex. We really do go through them.

In fact, now that I think about this, I'm pretty sure we blow our noses a lot more than normal people. Seriously. And in related news, Jordan, who has had a runny nose since he started daycare, has recently taken to walking up to you, pointing to his nose, and saying, "Blow me!"

On this trip, however, I didn't buy paper products because our coupons for those don't start until January 5.

In other words, Costco, I can't quit you.

One of the things I did purchase was a tremendous box of Dr. Praeger's veggie burgers. It turns out I quite like them, as do Jordan and Betty. Tasty, and you have all those healthy veggies squeezed into one convenient patty!

It's lucky we like them - I bought them on a whim (I'm breezy!) - because, if you are familiar with Coscto-sized anything, you know I have approximately 3 trillion of those patties in my possession.

Something I will share with you, based on recent experience, however, is as follows: Just because they cook very nicely under the broiler in your toaster oven at home - as per the instructions on the box - does not mean that you can just pop them sideways in the toaster at work.

As per nobody's instructions and against the cautions of your more sensible colleagues.

Just in case it might seem like an equally good idea to anyone else.