Tuesday, January 10, 2012

So hand in glove I stake my claim. I'll fight to the last breath.

What I can't remember is if I still had my gloves on when I saw the bottle of pee.

Wait. Let me back up.

Here's what happened. I lost one of my delightful turquoise gloves. Betty gave them to me, and I've been wearing them for years, and they fit perfectly even though I have such short figures that most gloves have too much room at the ends, and they're turquoise!

And now, now I only have one.

I've lost one of them three times, and always gotten it back. A friend who had happened to stop by just after I lost one the first time had spotted it down the street on the way to our house. The next time, I'd fortunately dropped it in my office. The third time, a man in a crosswalk saw me drop it.

Thrice-lost...nobody says fourth time is a charm, do they?

Anyway, it's not that the bottle of urine figures largely into the story, except that I was retracing my path to work, and it occurred to me that it would be helpful to be able to remember when I took off my gloves. Before or after the pee at 16th and O?

Typically, I would know exactly where I walked, because until recently I walked the exact same way back and forth every day. So Nick was wondering why I went down 16th Street, I said so I wouldn't get kidnapped.

He smirked at me.

"No, really. Because of that recent incident with that woman who was forced into a van at knife-point and then sexually assaulted."

"Then what happened?"

"The guy dropped her off."

"I hope she was at least closer to her destination."

They didn't say. Clearly shoddy reporting.

Anyway. Sexual assault is not funny. And as friends have said, I'm the kind of oblivious person who will wind up dragged into the back of a van. So I decided it was probably best to mix up my route.

Good for not getting kidnapped. Bad in terms of retracing steps.

Not that I think I'm all kinds of important and likely to get premeditatedly kidnapped. Just, more, who knows? Plus it's boring to walk the same way every day when you know where you're going.

But back to the pee. A bottle of urine! A large bottle. Like one of those big glass orange juice type bottles.

I mean, I didn't examine it closely or open it and smell it. But I have seen plenty of pee in a cup at this point, and in fact almost knocked an entire shelf of pee-filled cups on myself, thank you very much, and I can tell you that this, my friends, is a bottle of strong pee. I use the present tense because it was still there this morning, and I'm going to doubt it's been picked up by a passer-by.

You know, that makes me think maybe I should've peed on my gloves as a precaution. Although then I'd have been wearing urine-soaked gloves. So forget it.

But it made me wonder. Such volume! Was this multiple pees' worth? Or does someone have that large a bladder? Is it vendetta pee? I figure if you were homeless, you'd just pee in an alley, no? That seems to be the norm in our neighborhood.

Seriously. We're always saying, "Jordan, don't touch that! It has pee pee on it!" Because we are certain it does.

So basically, if you see a turquoise glove, could you grab it and let me know?


  1. I'm certain my logic is circular, but it seems like wherever you are is an exciting place to be. And Nick, he's hilarious too.

    I doubt your glove will make it to Texas but I'll put pup Boston on the case. I hope your glove is found or returned to you soon.

  2. You are so sweet! Our lives are pretty ordinary, but there's so much weirdness around to take note of!

    Thanks for putting Boston on it. I have given it up for lost, for the most part, but have some tiny glimmer of hope that I'll come across it perched on a railing or something.

  3. Fingers crossed! I bet it'll turn up when you least expect it.

    Will keep an eye out.

  4. Have you checked Jordan's backhoe? That's exactly the type of item that little dude would like to add to the animals, I'm guessing...

  5. I would just like to say as a fellow small-hand-haver, you have my full sympathy. There are so few gloves for us in the world that don't have long, folding finger-ends that it's a true loss. And turquoise nonetheless!!!

  6. And here I thought this story was going somewhere else entirely. Namely, to a place where you were forced by pregnancy bladder to take a more hidden route so you could have a bottle pee on the way. Ehem. Well I hope you find your glove.

  7. Laura - Thank you - I'm hoping!

    Stevie - That's actually a VERY good suggestion for things that go missing in our house, but they made it almost all the way to work with me that day...And yes, would make a very nice sleeping bag for the animals. :)

    amanda - Thank you! You know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm now wearing too-long gloves. And they were turquoise leather with top-stitching. So cute!

    click clack gorilla - Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint. That hadn't even occurred to me but now I am TRULY hoping I never need to pee in a bottle on the way to work. Yikes.


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