Monday, January 23, 2012

Midas is king and he holds me so tight and turns me to gold in the sunlight

Sometimes I have to drag my own self down there kicking and screaming, but I'm still working out in our office building's gym at least a couple times a week. You know, the gym with the shiny red button.

So last week it was brought to my attention that my stomach is roughly the same size as the 15-pound medicine ball. Although what it really feels like is this:
Now, I've tried to be a lot more measured in this pregnancy about what I say on LG, partly because I got berated in my Jordan pregnancy for complaining about how fat and gross I felt. I mean, I got a lot of support, too, so it's not just fear of people thinking I'm an asshole that's holding me back.

Although naturally, I'd rather people didn't think I was an asshole, if I had my druthers.

But I've also tempered my complaining nature because fuck, it took so much time, so much work, and so much money to get to this pregnancy. And part of me is scared that if I'm not grateful enough, it'll get taken away.

Don't step on the crack. Don't walk under ladders. Don't break a mirror. That sort of thing.

Thankfully, with Jordan, I didn't realize how fragile it all can be. I'm well fucking aware with this one. And so, at least publicly, I've tried to hold it in. Hey, look at me with the medicine ball belly!

But you guys, I hit a huge wall this weekend.

Sunday morning I was all kinds of mad at Nick for not loving this sweater I'd gotten him. And he kept saying, "Why are you getting so angry?" Which just made me angrier.

And so I snapped, "Because it's so hard to find XXL sweaters that actually fit you and this one actually fits and I AM SO TIRED AND OLD AND HAGGARD AND UGLY AND I HATE MY BODY AND I HATE MY FACE AND I HAAAAAATE BEING PREGNAAAAAAAAANT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT."

At which point I just leaned over and started sobbing onto the kitchen counter. Like the snuffling, hiccuping, gasping for breath sobbing of abject despair.

Nick curled me in his arms and said he thinks I'm beautiful, and he patted my just-highlighted hair and said, very sweetly, "I think you're beautiful. And I like your new hair." (He's a good man, that one.)

And Jordan came over and asked me if I wanted to put some animals in his backhoe. Which is pretty much like saying I love you so much.

I'm loved, and I'm lucky. I love the family I have. And I'm lucky to be having another baby. I'm grateful, I am. Really and truly.

I just suck at the pregnant. And the pregnant, coupled with the sped-up aging it seems to be doing to me? Super mindfuck.

I am the opposite of glowy. My skin and my hair and my nails are so dry. I have 500 more wrinkles than when I started. When did I get so old and wrinkly?

It's one thing to feel fat and full and exhausted and achey and uncomfortable all the time. But it just feels so unfair to have to feel so hideous on top of it. And so old. So fucking old. It kills my self-esteem.

I feel all superficial saying that, because I am so much more interested in what people are like than what they look like. But it's true. I need to feel attractive in some way, shape or form. And I don't. I just don't.

I hate it.


  1. Ugh, I remember that feeling. Would it help to book a spa day? Maybe get a facial and pamper yourself a little bit, all while sprucing up your skin at the same time?

  2. I looked at your photos before reading and thought how YOUNG you look. And my husband wanted ten more kids and I said if he'd carry them and pop them out I'd raise them (we've long since changed our minds and thankfully only had four)It is hell hell hell being pregnant for most women and I was one of them. hated it!! I get not wanting to rock the boat too. I send you loving, healthy, peaceful thoughts. And that image of your fellas comforting you is totally heartwarming. Hang in there lil medicine ball! Hugs.

  3. You may think you look old and unattractive and generally not gorgeous but you, my friend, are wrong! You look great!

    Nick knows this. Jordan knows this. Betty knows this. We ALL know this except you. But it's true.

    That said, when I'm feeling what you described I do the pedicure thing. They feel marvelous, you can pick out a ridiculously cheerful color and maybe get a flower. It's hard not to smile when your feet feel soft and lovely and the look cute.

    Sometimes a simple comfort goes a long, long way.

    Big hugs to you beautiful lady!

  4. "Because it's so hard to find XXL sweaters that actually fit you and this one actually fits..."

    I can relate to this. I have had one sweater over the last twenty years that I've actually worn. The first copy of the sweater wore out and the knitting started to come apart after about thirteen year or so, but since it was the only sweater I wore, I refused to give it up. Luckily, before my sisters/mother/grandmother/friends could sneak in and throw it away, I found that the same company still made the same sweater. I now use a second copy, and I have a third copy safety packed away for when this one wears out.

    It is still the only sweater I wear.

  5. You're not the only one. I could think of a lot of other things i'd rather do than be pregnant. Like you, i don't ever "glow", i "zit". It's romantic, truly.

    Luckily the end result is well worth it.

  6. AAHH, as soon as i opened this post i was writing a mind comment about how GREAT you look in those photos! and then i got to the part about how you feel blech and, oh man, you could not be more wrong about what you look like. you may feel crappy but you look wonderful!! and even with my pregnancy at 30 i didn't get the glow all those bitches get, i got the dry, wrinkly, adult-acne laden, sad looking mess of a pregnant lady look instead. i feel for ya...
    but you Really Do look great despite not feeling so. ...that cute little belly!!

  7. Oh Lisa, I'm sorry. I agree with Wendy - perhaps a spa day or facial would be refreshing and fun. I'm so glad Nick, Jordan and Betty were there to scoop you up and re-assure you how beautiful you are. Hugs to you, beautiful Lisa :)

    1. Also, I love your purple workout shoes!

  8. Ok, it's winter, and icy outside, and of course you're going to feel all dry and wrinkly and icky! But seriously, woman, you are a hot pregnant lady. You're all fit and toned, and you don't bloat up at all! Your arms are nice and muscular looking, and you do glow, even though you may not realize it yourself. Trust me. I only saw you for a short time in person, but you really made an impression! If you're feeling not so attractive, go do what Wendy said. Get some moisture in your body, on your skin, etc., and pamper yourself. You certainly deserve that!

  9. I agree with all the above comments about how great you look (and if it makes you feel better I can send you pictures of how crap I looked during my pregnancies!) but that's probably not what you want to hear (or all you want to hear) so my contribution to the discussion is ignore how you look now (or how you think you look now) and concentrate on how wonderful you'll look in a few months. Pregnancy is relatively short and afterwards you will look and feel fantastic and sexy (and skinny) again. Also, you'll have a baby! So you'll look awesome and have a BABY! OMG, how wonderful is that! (Although, you'll be exhausted, tired and grumpy for awhile too, but that passes pretty quickly as well) keep your eye on the ball (the ball your belly will be the opposite of then), and don't worry, you can't jinx this pregnancy by flipping out occasionally, that's what you're supposed to do when pregnant! hugs (we love you even if you're wrinkly ;-)

  10. Blech, winter. And I think pretty much everyone feels dry and wrinkly right now (and, if you're me, like you might as well make FRIENDS with the giant red lump in the middle of your cheek, give it a name, make it some tea, because it's clearly not going anywhere).

    As everyone has pointed out, there's clearly a disconnect between the way you feel you look, and the way you actually look, because you look fantastic. But I also get how frustrating that can be, and how it feels like your body has completely turned against you in every imaginable way. Just try to remember that it's temporary.

    And maybe put on some more sparkly nail polish.

  11. You look gorgeous to me. But yeah, being pregnant was not that sparkly unicorn rainbows time for me either so I get it. Hugs to you and a high five that it's finite.

  12. You really do look great. But I understand. I have a newborn on my boob all day and a shower is a major coup. My nails are ragged and all I wear are yoga pants and I can't remember the last time I styled my hair. And it's winter and dry and blech. So so there with you.

  13. You may feel old and ugly, but you are seriously beautiful, even pregnant! Those pregnancy hormones can do strange things to a person. It will be over soon and the after pregnancy hormones may have their way with you for awhile but all will be well - truly. You have such a beautiful family.

  14. You are so beautiful to me.......


Tell me about it.