Thursday, May 23, 2013

Wife. Synonyms: helpmate, helpmeet, lady, little woman, madam, missus (or missis), Mrs., old lady, wifey, woman. According to Mirriam-Webster.

So, I've been thinking about polygamy lately. Which makes me feel totally guilty.

Not in the, wow, that would make up for the threesomes I never had in college! kind of way. Or because my wifely demands are such that I feel they should be shared.

No.

It is mainly because I would like to have a wife to exploit. There. I said it. Isn't that awful? She'd be some very nice person who would marry us because she thought we were very nice people, or for whatever reason it is that you get married.

I mean, I know why I got married. And a big part of it was because he is, in fact, a very nice person. And he is a terrific husband and a wonderful father. But he is not a wife.

I want a wife.

Actually, exploit is strong. I want a wife to be home when I can't. I want a wife to make dinner because I hate to, although I don't mind cleaning up. I want a wife for company, and to move the car or to stay home with the kids while I run out to get some groceries or whatever.

I don't need a trophy wife. Particularly because trophy wives, by definition, aren't helpful, right? Just beautiful? No. Definitely not a trophy.

I would like someone cool to  hang out with. Who maybe had similar taste in fiction, so we could talk about.

And you know, I regularly wonder how, how HOW do Mormons manage all those children with no alcohol or caffeine?

Here I should note that I do realize that the polygamous Mormons are in the minority. Even though Big Love made it seem like they were everywhere. Selmer! Selmer! I miss Big Love. I do.

Anyway.

I have, you see, been a single parent for a couple days. Which is not very long in the parenting scheme of life. But India, dollop of delight that she is, feels compelled to scream like her fingernails are being ripped out somewhere between 1:00 and 3:00 am. Every. Goddamn. Night.

And Jordan, my Jordan, who used to sleep until 8 am, now wakes up at 5:45. Because there is so much fun to be had! We need to start having it as early as possible!

The good thing is that Nick sleeps on the side near the door, and also, he's the more fun parent. And so when Mr. Lookin'-fer-Fun arrives and sticks his face one inch from that of one of the sleeping parents, it is not mine.

Nick describes it as a rather disconcerting way to wake up. Eyeball to eyeball.

Jordan woke me up this morning, however, with cars in hand and a plaintive, "Mommy! Where is Daddy? I can't find Daddy anywhere!"

(Uh...Delaware?)

And on top of all of this, Betty gallivanted off to France last week with a childhood friend, one of her North Dakota ladies. They signed up for a week-long tour of Provence, and then booked another week to just hang out.

How delightful does that sound? I want to gallivant off to there!

What I've realized is that while Nick gets home after the kids are in bed, I'm so used to not being alone. My mom and I typically get the kids fed and I get them bathed and then we divide them up for bed.

Even when we don't...I'm not alone. I like not being the only adult at home.

Now, of course I was and am all excited for her to have two weeks in France. Excited and oh, yay, hope she is having so much fun and she should totally relax and come back next week at her leisure and also all, PLEASE COME BACK ASAP I MISS YOU THESE CHILDREN ARE KILLING ME I NEED MY MAMA.

I haven't said that to her, of course. Mainly because we've had no contact. I figure she is having so much fun she does not have time to check in.

And also, she firmly believes that her email lives on her home computer.

16 comments:

  1. I've always said I needed a wife. And I only have three dogs and a husband.

    Hang in there!

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    1. Everyone needs a wife! Everyone!

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  2. I have always said I wanted a wife, now I don't feel so alone!!

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    1. I hold to what I said above - we all need a wife!

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  3. could this be entered into on a sort of time share-y basis? like, i come live with you for a month, then you come live with me? or we find ten others and just, sort of, rotate? ooh! maybe, that way, we could finagle a month "off" as well! off to ponder!

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    1. Now THAT is an interesting proposition! Particularly with the month off!

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  4. Oh my god. Every time it's on me to do the bedtime routine alone, I am just amazed to think of all the people who have to go through that every single night. Those people are heroes.
    I hope Nick comes back soon! At least then the morning routine will be... shared. I was going to say it would be easier but that didn't seem like quite the right word, heh.

    And I want to go to Provence too! Lucky Betty!

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    1. Yes. Lately bedtime, as long as I stick to a pretty strict schedule and routine, has gotten much nicer. Because India and Jordan enjoy having a bath together. So they have dinner together, then bath, then we read a little, then Jordan goes and plays while I put her down, and then he and I read and go to bed. But this can easily be derailed, and by the time they're both down, I'm wiped.

      I know! Provence!!!

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  5. I want to fill out an app for this wife job. I feel I should at least get an interview as my mom's maiden name was Sellmer and I live in North Dakota. I'm used to being married to a nice guy and I wouldn't bring any little kids along with me (my grand-baby may have to visit!) I have no desire to go traipsing off to France, or anywhere else for that matter unless I take you with me and we hire a nanny while we are gone. In all honesty I do have to disclose however that I would not be willing to give up wine/alcohol for fifteen whole days and I am not ever going to wear denim dresses or buns in my hair. Otherwise I think I'm the helpmate, helpmeet, little woman? OLD LADY for the job! I DO :)

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    1. Lynn, you just made me laugh so hard. You are awesome!

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  6. I was a trophy wife, but the slave kind who is pretty but also keeps the household running, for my ex-fiance. After we broke up and I realized all that I was doing for NOTHING in return, I was like, "Damn, I want a wife too!" I mean, where's MY clean laundry, and homemade meals, and maker of weekend plans? So yeah, I hear you on this. (But The Lawyer does cook me food, clean up the kitchen, and fold the laundry, so we're straight...for now.)

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    1. I used to think I could happily be a trophy wife but the truth is, I would suck at it. You sound like you made a very good choice!

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  7. I'd like an extra husband. But the husband I've got meets your criteria for wife, so I guess waht I'd really like is another wife. I wonder if Josh would be up for it?

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    1. If you could clone Josh, it sounds like you'd have it made! But in lieu of that, a wife could be excellent!

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  8. Dude. YES. The whole husband sharing thing I'm meh about, but another wife? HELL YES. I get almost giddy imagining coming home from work to dinner.

    Shit, the more I talk about this, the more I think I might let her sleep with my husband. You did the grocery shopping and there's a hot meal on the table? Here's my husband, enjoy!

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    1. I...think maybe I could be fine with that as well. I never get to do any reading anymore, and I miss it. They could have sex while I caught up on the reading I've been wanting to do for like a year.

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