Last Monday, as I was airing my cell phone deletion vitriol, I got a voicemail from the someone I've entered and deleted many times over.
Randomness? Serendipity? Accio Dementor? I dunno.
He was going to be in town for a meeting today, and considering coming to DC Monday afternoon. And would I be available to hang out in the afternoon? Or do dinner? Or both? Yes.
And I knew, as I walked up and said hello yesterday afternoon, that it was going to be the kind of evening that makes me ache. No, actually, I knew it before I got there. The kind of time we can have together where the banter is so quick and sharp, the conversation about life and family so deep and sincere, and the attraction palpable.
We have this weird history. We dated for a couple months and broke up. This was two years ago. And then he moved to New York. I could say I don't know why we keep in touch, but there's a particular connection that you have with very few people that is very hard to sever.
In many ways it's surprising that we're still in each other's lives. We do not have friends in common; we have few, if any, common interests. We've basically formed a friendship of sorts over two years of meeting up every several months for a dinner, a drink, a last-minute coffee.
What we do have is a profound understanding of where the other person comes from, and a ridiculously intense connection. It's not just the red hots, although that kind of breathless sparkle is hard to pass up.
In the past year I've called him a couple times in crisis, totally out of the blue, not because he is my closest person, but because he was exactly who I needed to talk to. Because he knows how things are, and where I'm coming from. And he's so cynical about the world, and sugar coats nothing.
We will never be together again; I know this for a fact. And yet, I'm unwilling to delete him from my life. And in fact, there are moments, completely irrational moments, where I want him more in it. Much more in it.
As we were having dinner last night, I got a couple texts from guy friends, enquiring about the state of Azkaban.
And the truth is, sometimes I'm tempted to walk inside and pull the door firmly behind me. Sometimes it's utterly intoxicating.
Sounds to me like you've put the whole thing in a damn fine perspective.
ReplyDeleteRock it.
How many more stories can you write about dating, dates, old dates, dates you want, dates across the room.
ReplyDeleteThere is more to life, no?
Doos.
Did you do him or not?
ReplyDeleteRich - I don't know if I have it in perspective, but I hope so!
ReplyDeleteAnon 1 - Um, probably somewhere around 8 gazillion, give or take. I'm happy to report, though, that there's a vast and varied blog world out there for ya.
Anon 2 - If this is Sam, I'm patently ignoring you.
They always call after you delete them. Its like they have a radar.
ReplyDeleteYeah I know that there are millions of blogs out there. I happened on yours while travelling in India.
ReplyDeleteYou have some interesting retelling about your life and thoughts there.
Still. The comment above: "Did you do him or not?" is power for the course.
This is brought on by what seems an obsession to tell about dating.
On and on ...
Is it the post-Marxist alienation or loneliness you are speaking too?
Dating and relationships make up 56 posts as of this reading.
Of course, as you may say ... So what?
Well, the what part is pretty shallow. And reading beyond your dating posts proves that you are much more.
Wishing you well.
Doos
mm - Probably true. Although at this point, he's been in my phone for quite a while. I got to a good place in my mind with him, and unless he does something egregious, I imagine I'll leave him there.
ReplyDeleteDoos - I appreciate your explanation. I write about the things that are going on in my day-to-day and in my head. I spent a lot of my free time on dates - of which I write about fewer than half - and also spend a ton of time thinking about relationships of one sort and another. And LG is where I put it. And quite frankly, I kinda like it.
Fair Enough LG. I wish you well and will still look in from time to time.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Doos
Thank you! I hope you do and I wish you well, too!
ReplyDeleteobnoxious english major says: it's "par for the course," as in golf.
ReplyDeletejust FYI.
LEMON GLORIA should write about whatever she wants. Frankly, all of it is hilarious. And anonymous should go start his or her own "un-shallow" blog if he or she wants to improve the blogosphere so much. grr.
ReplyDelete