A recent date asked me this question. We were talking about relationships, type, how you get drawn to the same personalities in different packages over and over.
This began because we were talking about people who are really, really driven. And I said in my experience with really successful men, all of them are driven either by anger or fear. Predominantly anger.
He didn't necessarily agree. What, he wanted to know, was I talking about?
I used, as an example, the Dementor, who I'd recently seen. And when we were together, I told him that he was the most anger-driven person I know. He said, "What else is going to get you up at 5 am and keep you working till 11 pm?"
And so this date asked, "Do you think you can change your type?"
My answer was, "I don't know, but I hope so."
I've given it some genuine and intense thought, and vacillate between no, you can't, you absolutely can't, and sure, as you learn and grow, of course you can.
I'd like to think that the answer is yes. That as I figure myself out more, and understand the reasons behind the choices I make, I can make better ones. My dad, my brother, and the Dementor are probably the angriest men I've ever been close to. My brother has no idea the extent of his anger. I'm certain he doesn't admit the depth and breadth of it even to himself.
Yeah, I know. Shocking to choose men like your father and your brother. How banal to be such a cliche.
And so I think, now that I understand why I've chosen some of these people, I can choose different ones. The answer is yes.
But I'm afraid the answer is no. The ones who get me really intensely, who pull me in and make me care - they're invariably the difficult upbringing, angry ones. It's not that they're angry for no reason, and in some ways - winning in sports, winning in their careers, for example - the anger is really useful. But it's so malignant.
Now that I know what to look for, I spot it more quickly. And now I get the "why" of some of the guy who grab my interest. Some of them are really good at keeping it buried, and so I might already like them before I figure it out. Which is why, when I like someone, I begin to look for it.
Incredibly smart, intense, angry men? There are a lot of them. And they're often so compelling.
Which would mean the answer is no.