I will somehow get a big blob of ink on my hand, and then wind up smearing it all over my cheek. Without realizing it, till I go to a meeting. And have it pointed out.
I’m also the person who will have a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, and then look in the mirror in the bathroom hours later. And what I think is an odd new freckle will turn out to be a glob of peanut butter. On my face.
And I am also the person who got See’s lollipops, the very best kind, for Christmas. If you’ve not had them, they’re fantastic – especially the butterscotch ones. They’re big and rectangular and slightly soft. Just soft enough that if you bite into them your teeth get stuck.
If you’re enjoying a See’s lollipop, and you’ve just bitten into it with both your top and bottom side teeth, and you are reading something on your computer monitor, it seems almost inevitable that this would be the time that the president of your organization would drop by. Don't you think?
So there I am, teeth stuck, completely immersed in what I’m reading, peering at my monitor so intently that it takes a moment to realize someone has appeared at my cube. And then, when I do realize, my eyes widen in surprise. I smile around the lollipop.
And so I am, very obviously and frantically, trying to unlollipop myself. There is no way to do it subtly or gracefully.
“Is that a lollipop?”
I nod and blush. Because I’m, like, twelve. I point to my stash. “Gould gyou glike gwone?”
I finally unstick my teeth, but I’m so clearly discombobulated. So, after laughing politely at me a bit, he says that he’ll just go ahead and tell me what he needed to, and drop off the materials, and let me enjoy my candy.
I suppose there are worse ways to be caught off guard. But honestly. It’s moments like this where I realize my facade is as thin as the layer of powder on my face. Except that it's a day when I'm not even wearing make up.
I think it must be so apparent to the rest of the world that I’m just faking the grown-up professional thing.