Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The kind of conversations normal human beings probably don't have

You know how when you know someone really well, and you've spent a lot of time in a row together, conversation can devolve into the arena of truly inane? And maybe completely gross?

So at some point Maude and I were traveling. And we'd already discussed our lives inside and out. And so, somehow, the conversation took a turn for the scatological. And absurd. In the following way.

One of us asked the other, and I really cannot remember who started it, the following. Say you were really in need of money, and someone wanted to poo on your foot - your foot being the point on your body that's furthest from your face.

Would you do it? And if so, what's the lowest price you would accept?

We do realize that nobody is ever going to be beating down the door to pay us for the privilege of taking a poo on either of our feet.

But just suspend reality for a second.

We agreed that you wouldn't want to accept less than $10,000. I've since had this conversation with people who would do it for $5,000, and one guy who said hell, he'd do it for $50.

So there are bargains to be found. But honestly. It's poo! On part of your body!

It turns out, though, that as we've talked about it further and with others, there are a whole lot of possible variables involved in price setting.

1. Would it be different if it were a person of the same gender? Does gender matter?
2. Would you charge more, for example, if you had to pat the person on the head and offer words of encouragement?
3. How much more would it cost for you to pretend you were enjoying it?
4. What if it were someone you worked with? Even though neither of you would ever speak of it? Because you'd have to see the person every day, and you'd think, "You! Poo! Foot!"

And so on. It's super disgusting, and ridiculous, and not within the realm of ever ever possibilities. And yet the topic recurs every couple years.

The thing I find truly astounding is not the fact that we would actually set a price to it, but rather that we waste all kinds of time discussing various aspects of crap like this.

No pun intended.


  1. Infrequent commenter here-
    I have four dogs, so I'm practically already doing it for free. But what would make a difference for me would be if they took a long time. I don't want to hang out forever, and if they made noise, it would be a deal killer.

  2. Echoing Mary: at least once a summer I accidentally step, barefoot, into dog poop. That poop-slithering-up-between-the-toes feeling, well, that's pretty unique.

    Whatever number it would take to make my kids say (when they found out down the road), "Yeah, but he got paid $XXXX.00!!!" is what it would take for me to do it.

  3. I can complete relate. Not that someone has poo-ed on my foot, but in having these types of ABSURD conversations. They are especially likely during road trips... Really, it's just an off shoot of "would you rather," which I'm quite partial to. But there's something about knowing what I would and wouldn't do for a certain amount of money that is.. comforting? because I'm insane? It's not like anyone is ever going to put a gun to my head and say "what will it take to let me poo on your foot?!" But in that situation I guess all it would take would be, you know, the GUN.

  4. Mary and a fellow dog-owner, I find your comments hilariously true.

    Back to the original list of questions, gender does matter. I'd also wonder (or restrict) what the individual ate within the last 24 hours before making a profit from such arrangement.

  5. Mary - Ha ha ha. I hadn't thought about the waiting factor. Ick. That would be a deal killer.

    Rich - I've stepped in dog puke, but not dog poo. The slithering between the toes - eeeeee!

    Nicole - Ohhh, I love the "would you rather" conversations as well! As for a gun, well, yes, a gun to the head would work for sure.

    HKW - Ick ick ick. Good point on what they'd been eating!

  6. OMG, Lisa. I am laughing out loud at this post. #2 especially.

  7. Cheers for making my breakfast read all the more nauseating. Breakfast, btw, is a hotdog with melted cheese and bacon.

  8. Well you know Lisa it was fun being a quasi regular reader of your blog but this goes just a bit too far for my journalistic sensa . . .

    Wait a minute who am I fooling?! I know you have seen what we do here trying to save America from itself as it threatens to become the "Nation most likely to be considered a muderous stick in the mud."

    Poo on the foot? No less than £ 5000 PER FOOT. Gender does matter to me as I prefer females exclusively so the rate doubles for men.

    No the rate is the same with encouragement but if they need pats on the head or the bum they have to supply the air freshener and plastic sheeting to spread on the floor.

    Since I have executive authority in my job I could fire them if it got too bad and then post the secret video on Youtube™.

    Since I get a kick similar to the one you hopefully got posting this by shocking people's sensitivities there are women who act in "scat" films and actually get paid to "eat" poo. They ususally make between 10 and 20 thousand US dollars per 90 minute film. And yes it is their own poo, but still!

    Every time I read your blog I leave smiling and slowly shaking my head. Why is that?

  9. DD'sD - Ha! I'm glad! Although if you're at work, I'm sorry about that.

    GaryQ - Oops, sorry. Especially when there are all those tasty pork products involved.

    Diane - Hi! And thank you! I think £5000 per foot sounds OK. I also think I'd charge more for encouragement and pats. As for scat - wow, I had no idea. And you couldn't pay me enough to eat poo - mine or someone else's.

  10. Ok, so I had to read this twice. At first, i thought it was your own poo, which really makes this a-whole-nother issue. Someone else's poo? Eww. My poo-$10k would do it. Someone elses...someone I worked with? I'm scrunching my face as I type. More. I'd definitely need more cash.

  11. What that's not normal?

    That is totally the kind of conversation that normal people have.

    I think, it's normal to me. And my price is lower than yours, but I'm a poor grad student.

  12. Canaan - The good thing is, we can all set our own prices. You know, for all the poo-on-foot demand there is out there.

    TMM - Relief! I always worry that I'm aberrant.


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