Saturday, August 21, 2010

And then I burst into tears

I talk a big game.

Because yay, four days and nights of being a grown up person all by myself!

Yes, I'm a mom, but I'm more than that. I'm me, an adult professional. One with bright ideas and networking skills and good outfits and appropriate shoes and understated lipstick.

So there I was, leaving..

Autonomy. Quiet. Freedom to choose to do whatever I wanted to do with my down time. I'd been fantasizing about it for weeks.

And then I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart. Nick and Jordan walked me to the corner, hailed a cab with me, and kissed me goodbye.

And I got in and burst into tears.

I said, by way of explanation, "It's the first time I'm leaving my baby."

The cab driver said, "It's like that. And even when they get older, it doesn't change. I've got two kids in college, and it's still hard."

That made me feel better.

By better I mean less embarrassed about the tears and more terrified by the concrete realization that my fragile heart now resides outside my body.

In fact, it's currently in the hands of a little boy with no judgment and kind of sketchy motor control.

I love him so.


  1. Right there with ya. Beth and Henry went to MA for the weekend and I was losing my MIND. I thought it would be a nice little dose of "me time". The reality was a missed my wife and my son so much it felt like a 20 lb weight on my chest until I saw them at the airport, where I'd been waiting for over an hour, just so that I could be where I knew they were (eventually) going to be, too.

  2. As a reader in Southern California...enjoy the heat. Blah, it's probably cool to you compared to DC, but geez it's been hot lately.

  3. Oh this brought back memories. The first time my husband and I left our little boy we used a family member to babysit while we went to dinner. Bet you can't guess what we talked about the whole time. It gets better....until they drive.

  4. i should have asked where you're staying, how long are you here?

  5. I love you and your heart. Thank you for sharking it.

  6. And aside from the sketchy motorskills he goes blam blam blamming things on the floor. Oh my your poor heart is in for a pounding isnt it.
    Even now Lisa when Benny is away for the weekend at his dads or out at a party its like a part of me holds my breath until he gets home again. Its like something isnt right in the house it's out of kilter, the mojo, the fen shui, whatever it is the household isnt right until he is back home. :-) enjoy your time away as much as you can.

  7. Justin - Oh, that is so very sweet. It's shocking, isn't it? You think alone time will be awesome and rejuvenating and then you miss them terribly.

    Stephanie - It is kind of PERFECT here. Oh, delicious. No humidity!

    SarahLeighRabbit - Downtown by the convention center. Until Weds morning. I thought I'd have more play time, but it's been busy (in a good way)!

    amisare waswerebeen - Oh, thank you! That's so nice!

    Go-Betty - I can completely understand this. I'm sure it's exactly how I'll be. I am squeezing in some enjoy time, though, and about to go for a run. Alone!

  8. i'm late to the party as we were in cape may for three days; i can not imagine leaving D. for a night, let alone three or four, but i admire your tenacity! and, to be clear- i would looooovvvvveee to have someone else love and hold and put to bed my darling boy so that i could sllleeeeepppp, but i still haven't done it (any takers??? my babysitter, er, mom, is still to apprehensive)

    anyhoodle, just checking in, your newest stalker, telling you to hang in, and Happy Bday to Big J! you have a kindered spirit up here in philly, with the Blam! and Bang! and Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise!!



  9. who really cares. Blog drama queens are so boring.

  10. I can totally relate. My heart is sitting in Kindergarten right now.

    It was my daughter's first day at K today. Of course, I was up half the night worrying myself into a frenzy. Her? She jumped out of the car, said "bye mommy! I'm going to have so much fun!" and took off!

  11. He's not even mine, but when I left the baby after Family Vacation, I sobbed. For an hour. Driving down the road. Hiccupping and snot everywhere.


Tell me about it.