Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I admit it. I shamed us in a Friendly's.

Before last Saturday, I'd never been to a Friendly's.

And ever since, Nick has been saying he can't believe I shamed us in a Friendly's. He's told pretty much everyone we know.

In my defense, I wanted to go to IHOP. Or Waffle House.

It's a feeble defense, I admit.

So at Friendly's they really are friendly. And they're very child-friendly. Maybe because there are so many children there.

(Ahem. Foreshadowing.)

By the time we stopped for lunch, I desperately needed to pee. This is only relevant because I headed straight to the restroom.

Which meant that when our super friendly hostess seated Nick and Jordan, Nick was all, "Sure, he'd love some crayons! That's a great idea!"

Note to anyone who plans to ever have a one-year old: Crayons are not a great idea.

I sat down at the table to a baby with an orange crayon in one fist and orange wax crumbles stuck in all six of his teeth.

So I did what any reasonable person would do. I reached in to pick the orange crayon out before he could swallow it.

At which point he looked me straight in the eye and chomped down on my index finger with his evil sharpy little teeth. Hard.

He didn't break the skin, but barely, and only because my yell scared him enough to open his mouth.

I bellowed, "Jesusfuck!" Loudly.

It was more like, "JESUSFUCK!"

Thus causing pretty much everyone in the half-full restaurant to turn and look. Most particularly the one table next to us with three beautiful little blonde girls, one grandmother, and one aunt.

I apologize profusely and repeatedly. I blushed seven shades of red.

If I could've died of shame then and there, I assure you I would have. It's one thing to swear around your own kid. It's entirely another to yell something that terrible around others.

Also, you should know that I don't run around saying Jesusfuck, much less yelling it. It came from a place of fear.

They were very kind about it. They asked how my finger was.

They stopped to talk to us on their way out. The grandmother and aunt were watching the girls while their parents packed.

They were moving to Kentucky. In order for their father to attend the seminary.

In other words, it's likely they're familiar with the Jesus part of the epithet.

26 comments:

  1. I love the last line of your post! That is funny.

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  2. If this happened in Jersey, it's likely nothing they haven't heard before. The stares were likely attributable to what they would consider your extremely Southern accent.

    And if nothing else, you provided a delightful Learning Experience. "See, girls, sometimes very lovely people use language that they shouldn't, but we should turn the other ear..."

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  3. A very wise school teacher once told me there is no shame in cursing when stubbing one's toe. Six teeth chomp on an index finger is another great reason.

    Lisa, you're hilarious! I've never heard of Friendly's, I think in the South it is just implied (not that everyone is friendly here thought)

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  4. cfoxes33 - I felt even worse when they told me that. Ugh.

    Dagny - I think we were still in Maryland. They had southern/Marylandish accents.

    You are so right - a Teachable Moment!

    HKW - I love your school teacher.

    Friendly's...hmm. I wouldn't eat there again but it was fine. Grilled cheese, hamburger, ice cream sort of place. I think mainly ice cream and then food so you can make a meal of it. I don't know. Not my kind of place, even without the profanity shame.

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  5. None of this is your fault. It's the fault of the two men in your life who drove you to curse in front of a family heading to, what I can only assume, is a very conservative Southern Baptist seminary in Kentucky.

    You know what Jordan's first word is going to be? Right? I just hope you get it on video, cause I imagine he'll be smiling when it happens.

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  6. Ironically, almost the exact same thing happened to me with my son in an IHOP. You are right - a LOT less people would have noticed your swearing if you were in one of those restaurants. I feel your pain though - it is scary as hell!

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  7. Oh Lisa, you always keep me laughing, and for that I love you (even if my co-workers always stare at me when I laugh in my cube). We had Friendly's when I lived in Rochester. I miss their ice cream. Food was just generic.

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  8. hi-lar-ious. OF COURSE they are moving to a seminary!! classic.

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  9. I laughed my ass off reading this! I can actually visualize it unfolding. And, having an 8 month old with some amazingly sharp little chompers, I can attest to the fact that JESUSFUCK THAT HURTS!!!

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  10. That's now officially my favorite parenting profanity story. Golden.

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  11. Now I don't feel as badly about texting you the *less offensive* C-word. Pottymouth.

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  12. Baby teeth are like razor blades! I think I screamed out the Spanish equivalent once while trying to brush my guy's teeth with one of those rubber finger toothbrush condoms for babies when he bit down. Growing up, Spanish swearing never seemed as bad, since it wasn't our language... Gotta check that now that we live in a Spanish speaking country, and our son is growing up bilingual!

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  13. when i moved to VA i was shocked to hear that most people don't go to Friendly's, nor had they EVER been to one. it dumbfounded me. back home they're everywhere and it's just where you go... for lunch, dessert, brunch, dinner, anything. and you went often because you could get all those things. i'll never understand why people here shun it. and my niece bit my finger onces, JESUSFUCK was the nicest thing you could say about those little shark teeth!

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  14. Well....did you get the crayon out or not? :) I let out something just a touch worse a few weeks ago in front of the majority of my neighborhood. I was having a tree taken down in small quarters and the tree guy had to climb it and remove it limb by limb. Let's just say he cut a big limb and started to swing like he was going to fall. It was involuntary-like being bit by evil sharpy teeth. There was definitely some shock on the neighbors faces. At least you don't live down the street from the diners?

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  15. Oh. My.

    I hate to laugh at your shame. But . . . really? That's awesome.

    Jesusfuck, that's hilarious.

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  16. Classic Minties Moment. (see if you can find Minties Moments adverts on Utube)
    So open your mouth wider and put the other foot in. Thats what I do.
    10 points for timing and environment, they were impecible lol.

    Let J eat the crayons, it doesnt hurt them and they poo multi colours. Fascinating.

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  17. You may have cursed loudly in a family restaurant but at least you weren't covered in baby vomit like your last post. So at least there's that?

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  18. FoggyDew - You are so right. It is totally their fault. Completely.

    And, uh, I hope not. But it's possible.

    Sara P - Yes, it's terrible. You just sit there wishing you could crawl under the table and disappear.

    Tia - We didn't even get ice cream! Just very mediocre food!

    LJ - I know. I double cringed at that one.

    Justin - I am glad to be in good company! You know exactly what I'm talking about.

    texpatriate - Can I say that I love that you have more than one parenting profanity story to choose from? Yay!

    justsomethoughts - Nope. No hyphen!

    freckledk - I think cock is a very fun word. We should say it more often, really.

    Luna - It's astounding, isn't it? They're all little and cute and they turn out to be blades of death!

    And yah, cursing in another language is fine...until you live in that country!

    jen - You know, I'd never, ever noticed a Friendly's before in my life. I knew of them, but hadn't seen one up close.

    And yes - the shark teeth! Evil!

    kayare - No, I didn't get very far before that little butt chomped my fingers. And I didn't stick them back in his mouth again.

    And yes, thank goodness I don't live down the street from the diners. I'm sure I'd be called Mrs. Jesusfuck from here on out.

    Suniverse - Really, it's up here so you can laugh at my shame. I feel like people ought to benefit. :)

    Go-Betty - I will Youtube them for sure! And really? All that dye and wax? Hmm.

    Nicole - Haha! There is definitely that! You're a brightsider!

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  19. I couldnt find anything on Utube but minties are a lollie over here and their catch phrase was "It's moments like these, you need minties" and was basically a gone hilariously wrong situation or made a dick of yourself type adverts. From then on over here anything along those lines i.e yelling 'JESUSFUCK' in a family restaurant while sitting next to very religious people is classified as a 'Minties Moment" lol

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  20. I think pretty much ANYONE who gets their finger bitten is going to yell SOME sort of profanity. And at least part of it was religious... ;)

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  21. Cock cock cock cockity cock cock!

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  22. Totally understandable under the circumstances. And, don't worry, all you'll get from J eating crayons is interesting diaper deposits!

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  23. it's stories like this that expand the blogcrush I have on you.

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  24. dude! those little monsters bite HARD!

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  25. To be a fly on the wall for that event... At least the people were nice. And you had a very good reason. Why is it that the men always think that everything is a good idea? It's usually not.

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