Yes, I do recognize that this will not help my reputation one tiny bit.Also, Jane took this at the Standard in LA. Do you know how badly I now want a Batphone to Sin?
Anyway.
You know when someone says something clever and then you think really fast to be all, "Oh, yeah? Well, witty come-back to you, too!"
Sometimes this works out better than others.
We're watching the first season of Six Feet Under. Nick had never seen it.
Me, I watched all of the seasons with my parents several years ago. I'd sometimes stay over on Saturday nights and Betty and I would watch one and then another and another, until it was 4 am and we were both devastated and practically comatose.
So Nick and I watched this episode with a porn star with these huge fake boobs.
You know I have friends with breast implants, and while I have no actual desire for fake boobs, I've given the idea some thought. In other words, I know my stand.
When we got in bed I said, "If I ever get fake boobs, I'm getting small ones."
"Where did this come from?"
"The show tonight. The porn star."
Duh.
Nick was silent for a moment, and then he got this big smile. I figured he was thinking about the breast implants.
But no. He then said, "So if you were to make up your own porn name - not the dog street thing - what would it be?"
"I have no idea."
"You want to hear mine?"
"Of course."
"Girth Brooks!"
He beamed.
"Hilarious. How long have you been waiting to use that?"
"I just made it up. Just now!"
And so I started thinking, fast. Because who wants to be outdone on this sort of thing?
"OK, I have one! I know what my name would be!"
"What?"
"Dolly Farton."
"Dolly FARTON? What kind of porn name is that?"
"What? You started it. Girth Brooks?"
"I think you should reconsider. As Dolly Farton, you'd be relegated to scat porn."
"I don't want to do scat porn!"
He shook his head. "The normal porn people aren't going to hire Dolly Farton..."
Bwhahahaha! I think this is why the two of you are married. And I love, love, love that photo of you. That red dress? Want.
ReplyDeleteThere's photographic evidence of you using a rotary phone... you're reputation is set in stone. Imagine the day when Jordan looks at the phone and says "Mommy, what is that?"... and you're explanation will only confuse him.
ReplyDelete:-)
Well, who wants to be in normal porn anyway? If you're gonna do it, you might as well find your niche!
ReplyDeleteCoffee spit take
ReplyDeleteahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteclassic LG.
Yes!!!!!! Love this story.
ReplyDeleteDolly Farton... Oh dear.
HA! Love it. I think Dolly Farton is quite clever. Did you know there's fart porn out there? Dolly Farton would be a superstar in that genre. I see a very bright future ahead of you!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love Six Feet Under. I used to do the same thing you and Betty did - I'd stay up until all hours of the morning watching it until my eyes were red and puffy and I was emotionally exhausted. That's some good TV.
Kate - I've had that dress for four or five years at this point. It's one of my favorites!
ReplyDeleteVVK - You are so right! For me it's nostalgia, but it's true that kids today have no idea.
Lisa - You might actually be the reason I know what scat is, now that I think about it. Not sure.
Keenie Beanie - Perfect way to look at it! Normal porn? Oh, yawn.
texpatriate - Hug! :)
jen - I guess it is very us, isn't it?
P - Thank you! I love the "oh dear" :).
Stevie - Noooo! Now I have to go looking! Good thing I'm not at work.
As for Six Feet Under - so well done! So devastating!
Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know how addicted I was to Six Feet Under.
Anyone can do *insert disdainful voice here* normal porn. Go big or go home, right?
ReplyDeleteI just came thisclose to snorting my tea out my nose whilst reading this! :)
ReplyDeleteYou guys are such a riot; this's gonna be making me laugh throughout the day.
ReplyDelete"Are you ready for your closeup, Miss Farton?" And you know, the film crew has clothespins on their noses...
The man has a point! Although there are a lot of odd folk out there!
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ReplyDeleteNow see this is why you two got married. You can bounce off eachother with your not too normal conversations. I am beginning to think no one down here actually has a sense of humour, well not like this because when I say stuff like this I just get weird looks from people who think maybe I need committing or something.
ReplyDeleteGirth Brooks LMFAO SHowOFF!!!
Call me innocent, but I had to google "scat porn."
ReplyDeleteI would have add a lollipop for the picture!
ReplyDeleteGaL
very funny and i love six feet under too.
ReplyDelete