I know it sounds totally creepy to talk about masturbation in conjunction with anything having to do with children, but it's just for comparison of difficulty of explanation.
There's no overlap. NONE. They are discrete issues, as demonstrated by the above Venn diagram. I didn't exactly line up the circles because I had trouble with the circle-maker. But I don't think that matters.
As you see, masturbation is the blue circle and babysitting is the yellow circle, and they're floating around separately. They don't even touch. There is NO GREEN.
It just seemed like the best comparison for demonstrating attempting to explain stuff that you just can't explain to someone. In case you're ever asked to. Which you probably won't be.
And I know I'm going to get a call from Nick shortly being all, "What the hell did you put in your oatmeal this morning?"
The answer: Walnuts.
Let me sum up.
Nick is constantly telling people how amazing it is to be a parent, and how they should definitely try it if they're on the fence or even fairly solidly planted in the "don't really think we want to have kids" camp. He promotes having a baby, adoption, whatever. Just get your hands on a kid and parent him or her, because it's the best thing ever.
While I love being Jordan's mom, and I feel like my life is so much richer for it, I let people be. It's such a personal decision. And it's not like every moment is sprinkled with pixie dust.
Plus, until someone opens a baby kennel/hotel, your freedom is severely hampered for a veeery long time. Plus the money. And general every minute responsibility. And such.
So I started thinking about how impossible it would be to describe what it is like to have a child to someone who doesn't have one. Because while it's kind of like having a dog, it's so much more extreme. And a gajillion times more rewarding.
I was looking for a comparison, and I thought, well, it would be like trying to describe how much fun sex is to a virgin. How would you even begin?
But then I thought, yah, but just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you don't masturbate.
In fact, I hope you do. I mean, unless you think it'll make you go straight to hell. I'm pretty sure you won't, but I was raised a heathen, so what do I know?
Anyway. Back to the kids.
I also remembered that people babysit. That's like practice kid-having.
So if you wanted to have an idea of what it's like to have kids, you could watch one for a day, or even a whole weekend if you wanted the fire hose approach.
Going to Target for the afternoon is not good enough. You can't be able to leave while they fling themselves on the floor and screech. They have to be your responsibility.
Which made me realize that while you wouldn't have the full picture - you wouldn't get the day-to-day fun, or all the delicious joys of those small, unpredictable sweet moments, nor maybe the worst of the tantrums, in 48 or even 12 hours you'd probably get a pretty good idea of what it's like.
In the same way, with masturbation you aren't getting all the awesomeness and excitement that goes along with sex with someone...but you're also never going to be left with that I-can't-fucking-believe-I-shaved-my-legs-for-this irritation. You know? I mean, unless you are a virgin, or have only had amazing sex, in which case you don't.
Admittedly, sometimes it doesn't exactly work out despite your own best efforts, which is of course frustrating, but much less frustrating than when it works out just fine for the other person and then they're all, "That was awesome, and now I'm going to go straight to sleep!" and you're all, "Um?"
And then you totally lie there muttering epithets and thinking about stabbing them.
Which is why I'm massively in favor of premarital sex.
Because what if you didn't and you married someone selfish like that? And then if they wouldn't change, eventually you might build up so much resentment that you'd get them all drunk and set fire to them.
And then you'd probably wind up in prison. Which would suck.
All this to say, I really do think it's best that people know what they're getting themselves into.
Or maybe not. Don't let a weekend of babysitting deter you. Being a parent is wonderful.
I have this strong feeling that's my point. It seems like it could be.
Did this even make any sense? Should I just delete the whole damn thing?
Sometimes I make myself very tired.