Dangers and annoyances: Cervixi, rodenti, mammali, etceteri

So, I was going to write about my cervix, but then I started wondering if the plural of cervix was cervixes or cervixi?

Not that I have more than one. I was just, you know, wondering. As you do.

This then led me to thinking about hippopotamuses, which apparently can also be puralized (plurified?) as hippopotami. Same with rhinoceri. I like plurals ending in i.

Which further led me to recall that I haven't told you the rat head story.

Before you get all, "Christ, cervix-hippo-rat-heads? No wonder you're having trouble getting pregnant!" let me tell you. There's a very logical connection.

The investigator's wife.

Actually, she has no connection to my cervix. But she's the one who told me about the density of raccoons in Rock Creek, and how they have can pick locks and rape your pets.

Which added them immediately to my fear list. Actually, they were on there already because of the rabies, but it bumped them way up high - right up there with hippopotami.

Because, as I like to remind people, they're fast and mean and can turn on a dime, those hippopotami.

I feel lucky we don't have a density of them in our neck of the world. Can you imagine being on your way to work, walking along listening to your iPod, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, a hippo runs you over? Blam! Dead. Or you're on the metro, and your train has just come up from underground, and all of a sudden it's knocked off its rails by an angry hippo?

They attack without apparent provocation, you know.

Incidentally, dolphins are also rapists. But you don't have to worry about them on your way to work. Unless you're a marine biologist, I suppose.

So.

We had dinner with the investigator and his wife, who, as soon as we sat down said, "Should I start with the rats?"

What kind of a question is that? When you know the answer is going to be, "Absolutely!"

Basically, they've been finding rat parts in their Petworth neighborhood.

They found a rat body - cleanly severed - and initially thought it was the neighbors, but then later opened their car hood and realized that the rat might've been in there when the car got turned on and somehow one of the belts functioned like a guillotine and that was that.

(Because apparently rats like to crawl inside cars when it's cold. And, if you leave your car long enough, they can chew their way inside your car. Truth.)

So then later that week the investigator came across a rat head down the block.

"Same rat?"

"No."

"How do you know?"

"The head was severed in a different place."

I believe the man knows what he's talking about. He's an investigator, after all.