Wednesday, January 05, 2011

This one big thing I've been NOT talking about

Every day for months and months now, I've been not pregnant.

I'm still not pregnant. And I'm so tired of not talking about it. NOT talking about things like this exhausts me. So here you have it.

I'm 41 and not pregnant. When I'd like to be, oh, 31. And pregnant.

If I were 31, pregnant or not, I wouldn't be dealing with all of this literature that basically says have your kids early - don't wait till you're old! And once you pass 40, your fertility plummets faster than lead weights dropped off the Empire State Building.

They don't say it that way. They use technical terms. And graphs that show how fast your fertility goes to hell after 35. And how much faster after 40.

Seriously. The books are all, time your sexual activity, check your mucus, take your temperature...unless you're over 35, in which case it will be harder. And if you're over 40, well, you've crossed over into the land of abandon fertility hope all ye who enter here. Get yourself to a specialist.

Who may or may not refer to his ex-wife as a bitch and suggest, without having taken your blood or checked hormone levels or all these other things they do, that you jump on fertility hormones, stat.

Because you are 41.

And the thing is, I have this amazing kid who I love more than my own life. I feel lucky and grateful for him, I really do. And I now realize how miraculous it was that we got married and then were all, OK, now let's have a kid...and then we did!

I know women in their 20s who were all, oh, we forgot to use a condom that one time, or I missed a couple pills one month and then suddenly I was pregnant! This is the difference between your 20s and your 40s.

In your 20s, your eggs are just champing at the bit to be introduced to some handsome sperm and to set up house in your well-stocked uterus. By your 40s they're like you. Tired. Jaded. Kind of over all of it, but willing to rise to the challenge if the time and temperature and mood and the position of the earth in the solar system are exactly right.

So there you have it. You can tell me to shut up, that I have this lovely child and I should be satisfied to have him, and I'm being greedy wanting one more.

But I do. I want more family. I want one more.


  1. It's not greedy. And It's a tough thing to live with everyday and never talk about. I didn't talk about it for so long, and once I did, I felt better. Sort of. I suppose I didn't feel better until I actually got pregnant, but memory is funny like that, isn't it.

  2. not greedy at all. we knew we wanted one more before we even knew we could have a first one. and the age thing SUCKS. we would have waited 10-20 more years to have kids if age weren't an issue (considering eggs and lifespan and all).
    if you want to have another one, you will. just think, for 10 months you were saving up already so that buys you some more time, right? isn't that how science works??

  3. It's not greedy. Family is good, if exhausting. Sending fertile thoughts your way...

  4. Not greedy. If I had a baby as adorable as J, I'd want more too. What would be unnatural is to not want more of the gooey kid cuteness.

    My great-grandma didn't have her first child until she was 30, in 1914. She then had a dry spell but hit the hormonal motherlode AFTER 35: babies at age 36, 38, twins at 42 and my grandmother at 44. Tell your doctor to stick that in his bitter pipe and smoke it.

  5. I think the idea of another child for you is wonderful and hope it happens, soon. Until then, talk about it all you like. Sometimes if you don't ask for what you want in life, you don't get it and so you're not being greedy, only wanting what you deserve - happiness. And, more poo I guess.

  6. Not greedy -- totally understand. I don't want just one kid either (not that I have any now, but we're open to the possibility...).

    Good luck. I wish I could give you some tip like "stand upside down while eating strawberries and crisscrossing your legs and for sure it will work" but since I don't have any, you're free to bitch about it. And keep having lots of sex.

  7. my sister had twins without any help when she was almost 45 . . . keep trying!

  8. You are not greedy! Fertility struggles suck and I hope they end quickly for you. May your family grow in love and number in 2011!

  9. I have this very odd feeling (seriously! like a brought-about-by-psychic-energy kinda feeling that is kinda creeping me out!) that you aren't going to have any trouble getting knocked up that second time. I'm thinking you'll be preggers before the summer.

    I'm totally not joking. I really do think it's going to happen. I can FEEL it.

    I'm going to get myself an e-cigarette now and babble about nothing of any significance.

  10. Oh hunny bunny, if I could give you some of my over-eager eggs, I would in a second. (Also, that sentence kind of made me throw up a little. Over-eager sounds too much like over-easy. I am totally going to accidentally order my eggs over-eager next time I go out for breakfast goddammit.) Sending hugs and fertility juju your way.

  11. Not greedy at all. You waited for what you wanted. That is commendable! Now it's time for another baby, which is so awesome! It will happen. Just because they say that you are less fertile after 40 doesn't mean you will have problems. Lot's of women get pregnant in their mid and even late 40's. So think positive!

    Wouldn't a girl be great? Imagine the little girl clothes shopping you can do! Of course, boys are terrific too: )

  12. PREGNANCY AMNESIA!!! You said you'd never want to do it again, and here you are!

    But, I think you're such an awesome mom, and having another would be great for you and your family. I really hope it happens for you guys! I'll be sending good fertility vibes your way!

  13. Of course you're not being greedy! You're a mom to a wonderful son, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to share that love with another. I'm 38, so I know that feeling all too well. But as for the charting, temping, checking cervical fluids, etc? Yep. Do it. Otherwise it's a crap shoot. I hope it happens for you quickly!

  14. You are NOT greedy. I hope you guys have another baby! Babies rock. Keep trying!

    Your cousin,
    (I add this since I list my comment as anonymous. I don't know how to do that profile stuff. Oh, well.)

  15. I don't know if there is much difference between 39 and 41 fertility-wise, but don't try to tell that to my sis-in-law who had twins (kids 3 & 4) at 39. As my brother said, her ovaries were "firing for effect." One of my favorite terms ever. Good luck. J will be a great big brother.

  16. Definitely not greedy. Wishing you the best of luck!

  17. How can that possibly be greedy when you and Nick make such gorgeus babies. J is the proof of this. Talk about it all you want and we will continue to encourage you to keep your legs in the air and keep trying because we are your loyal fan club and we do these things :-) lol. Besides I am damn sure Nick is enjoying the trying also, *gwarf* lol.

  18. karen, random reader1/05/2011 5:48 PM

    Go Team Lemon Gloria . . . hope it works for you, and soon.

  19. Good luck! I hope that you are able to get pregnant soon!

  20. Maiden Metallurgist - Memory is definitely funny like that. And I'm so excited for you that you're about to be a mama!

    jen - I don't know the science of it, but I like that thought! I have 10 months' worth of extras! Actually, more than that, since I was nursing for a while. Maybe I totally have some of the 39-year old ones waiting! :)

    Wendy - Yes, good and exhausting. Thanks, sweetie.

    Kate Bee - Wow, that's extraordinary! Your grandmother must've been one very strong woman! Thanks for this!

    HKW - Thanks for making me giggle. This is totally putting a "more poo" kind of wish out there in the universe, isn't it?

    Carla - Thank you, I appreciate it. I might bitch quite a bit. As for the upside-down strawberry kinds of tips - hahahaha!

    freckledk - I hope so! Thank you, lovey! That makes me feel better. And I hope the e-cig tasted great. :)

    Hillary - I am so going to order over-eager eggs when I go out for brunch next. I love it love it love it. Thank you!

    Kate - What a sweet message! Thanks! Yes, a girl would be great...except I cannot imagine how many clothes and shoes I'd buy her. It'd be shocking.

    Miss Dallas - Agh! You are so right! I hated being pregnant with such a passion, and now it's what I want most! Which doesn't mean that I wouldn't hate it all over again if it happened...

    Luna - Thanks for this and for the other info. There are so many pieces to coordinate, aren't there???

    Connie - No need to explain - but thanks for telling me! I love when you comment - it's always so nice to hear from you! And hopefully I'll be able to add one more kid to our next family reunion. :)

    FoggyDew - Apparently there is something to that! As you get older your body realizes it has less time, and shoots more out. Or something like that. And I wouldn't think there would be such a difference but 40 seems to be this terrible line to cross. Ugh.

    Lynn - Thanks, my friend.

    Go-Betty - OK, you made me laugh and laugh with the legs in the air business. This trying gets rather tedious, I have to say.

    Karen - Thanks for the Team LG cheer!

    Jaclyn - Thanks so much!

  21. Lisa, you (along with Nicole Kidman) are the reason I keep telling myself that it's okay we haven't tried to have a child yet, although I turn 38 in 8 days. Sorry to hear #2 isn't coming along as easily as J did. Good luck getting up the duff, pronto!

  22. If it makes you feel any better, I am 29 years old and have been trying desperately to get pregnant for about 10 months now. It is, by far, the most frustrating and emotionally exhausting thing I've ever been through. I definitely feel for you.

    I'd say just to enjoy every single second of time with your boy and hubby, and good things will come in time. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! :)

  23. Keenie Beanie - You know, for me it wasn't an option to have a kid before I met Nick (at least, not if I wanted a partner in the child rearing), and I was 38 before even meeting him. Once we started talking about kids, I definitely fretted about age and could I even get pregnant - but there are so many people who haven't had any issues in their late 30s and through their 40s.

    I've never heard "up the duff" - it makes me giggle! :)

    Anonymous - Oh, I'm sorry! It is definitely frustrating and emotionally exhausting. It's kind of all-consuming, isn't it? And then I fret because stress makes it worse, but how can you not be stressed...

    I am hoping you get pregnant, pronto!

    Oh, also - my acupuncturist recommended this book: - written by a reproductive endocrinologist and an acupuncturist. I haven't finished it, but it explains things very clearly, offers hope and help.

  24. I have been wanting to comment on this because, well, while I am not in the same boat as you really at all, you know my recent news and struggles. So I guess I kind of get it even though I don't. And I am thinking positive things for you, whatever that means.

  25. Our house was one where a kid or two was welcome to stay for supper any night, and overnights on weekends were more common than not. Most of my sons' friends parents weren't in a position to reciprocate; that mattered not, because I had such a blast making dinner, listening to the kids goings-on. If we were going to the water slides, or out skating, another kid almost always rounded out the party.

    No wonder I thought one was a handful! I only wanted one - yet later on when my son was older, through a confluence of unusual events, I ended up with 4 foster kids, so as it turned out, I was VERY glad to have had only had one. In this life we often don't know why things happen the way they do.

    Because you wish it, I pray another child is in the cards for you - but if not, I know you guys are going to have a wonderful, fun-filled life anyway!

  26. Oh my gosh, I had no idea that you were going through this. I am so very sorry. I am 39 and tagged with the whole Advanced Maternal bs, too. I was the person who swore up and down that I was having no kids, not interested, would cramp my lifestyle, did not want to give anything up... that is until I decided that a child might be worth all that.

    Long story short, it took a long time to get pregnant and seeing a fertility specialist. It was so stressful and consuming and every time some one told me if I would just relax..., I wanted to punch them out.

    There is nothing wrong with talking about it. The support really helps get you through the rough days.

    Eventually, as you know, I did get pregnant. After Clomid and tests and uuugghh, I started acupuncture. I swear it was what did it.

    I know this was lengthy and more about me than you which is not what I intended. I just wanted to illustrate (somewhat poorly) that I have been there, I understand. I am sending you a virtual hug. And I think you should vent as often as you need too. And, I promise never to tell you to "just relax, it'll happen."

    PS: My acupuncturist recommended "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis, I think. Hope I did not overstep any bounds with the recommendation.

  27. I had a similar incident with a doctor when I was 41ish. I'd been trying to get pregnant again for a couple years and without doing any tests at all, he wanted to write me a RX for Clomid. He pooh-poohed my carefully recorded temp.s and charts and I think may have even said the words "geriatric pregnancy." So I walked out of there and didn't go back. And ended up never having that second child. I realized pretty quickly the limits we could endure, looked around at my other 40-ish friends who'd been through treatments, etc., and eventually realized I was mourning not having the family I thought I'd have.

    I'm still sorry we didn't have more kids (we've just got the one, who I also realized is pretty miraculous, given that I was 35 when he was conceived). But it hurts less now, and we seek out ways for our son to have other kids around...

    Good luck, sweetie.

  28. I'm going to wish really hard on this one for you. Meanwhile, here are the verdicts for the crazy people. Chloe says NO!!!!! Nathan says YES!!!!! and Sophie says "Mom, why are you measuring me and why does that box have air holes punched into it?"

    I want you to have what you want. Sending you all my best, fertile thoughts.

  29. if it makes you feel any better it took me three years to get pregnant at 35 (started trying at 32) and ONLY four months of trying at 40!!!


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