Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Watch your ass

I don't know about you, but I totally judge people on their bumper stickers.

And while I'm not terribly political, nothing enrages me like the issue of choice. But that's a whole nother post.

So the judgey. If someone gets all in my way and is a terrible driver, I'll be all annoyed, but then if they have a sticker for a politician I like, or for the Humane Society or something, then I'm all, "Oh, they're from Virginia. Maybe they're lost."

And the reverse is also true, but more so. So much more so.

If you're advertising beliefs that are antithetical to mine, I immediately assume you're a tremendous asshole and you're probably on your cell phone.

Little Betty is under the weather, and so last night I drove out to bring her to our house. I just feel better having her under my nose and knowing exactly how she's doing.

Anyway, I was on my way out of DC and for three different lights I was stuck behind this minivan with Virginia plates. It was festooned with numerous stickers.

The two I remember are: "Choosy Mothers Choose Life" and "What's the Cost of Abortion? One Human Life." The others were of the same ilk.

Light one: I read the stickers and had this extreme urge to throw my car into reverse and ram into the back of that minivan as hard as possible. Multiple times. A la Fried Green Tomatoes.

The light changed before I could do this. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have.

Light two: I tried to get in front of them on the way to this light, one because they were slow, but just fast enough, and two, because being stuck behind their enormous proselytizing minivanass was making me mad.

I was unsuccessful. But this light went fast.

Light three: I remembered that I have that awesome Cut Your Seat Belt and Escape from Death! hammer that lovely Laura bought for me in my glove box. I pictured myself jumping out of my car, running up to theirs, and smashing the shit out of their windows.

I didn't do this either.

Karma and The Law, you know?


  1. Dude, I am the same way. Actually, I kind of judge people who put bumper stickers on their car, full-stop.

    I remember vividly an incident where Shawn was driving and I spotted a "keep the Christ in Christmas" bumper sticker and I spent a good ten minutes railing against the idiots who would put that sentiment on their CAR (do you really feel strongly enough to have that on your car for the 11 other months of year?!?) and Shawn just sighed and told me it must be exhausting to be me.

  2. Question -- Was it a man driving? Because I've been there, except instead of a minivan it was a huge truck, and a man was driving. I was actually pregnant at the time and I still wanted to haul my big ol' pregnant self out of the car and kick his ass. Nothing like plastering the back of a truck with beliefs that he'll never get to really practice considering he's lacking a uterus and all.

  3. Hillary - Yah, I kind of judge the bumper-sticker-having too.

    And it can be exhausting to be me, so it's nice to know I'm in good company.

    Lisa - I don't know; it was dark. And I fully support the ass kicking. I get apoplectic when it's a man pulling that shit.

  4. Karma probably wouldn't have minded.

    The Law, on the other hand...

  5. I'm WAY judgey. And even if they don't have a bumper sticker I disagree with just looking at the fat ass of a minivan blocking my view is enough to get my blood surging and the accelerator pressed to the floor as I try HARD to zoom around them.

  6. Get well soon Betty. Personalized license plates are a close 2nd to bumper sticker messages. Great title for this post!

  7. when confronted by people who are in-your-face anti-abortionists, i like to ask them how many unwanted children they've adopted. or tell them that i'm pregnant and i can't afford to have it, but i will if they pay for my healthcare and adopt the baby. you can really test the strength of their convictions that way.

    and around the holidays, i like to wear my shirt that says 'god was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and i had to eat him.'

    yeah, it's a little exhausting being me, too, but i'm having a hell of a good time...

  8. The people with all the religious bumper stickers are usually the folks with all the Beanie Babies filling up their rear window. Both auto-adornments make me wish I had one of those aforementioned little hammers.

  9. I'm wayyyyy judgy too, and if I am walking down the street and someone gets all protesty n stuff I will go right back at em and debate the issue right then and there. Same deal for people wearing T-shirts etc.

    I'm all for having beliefs, as I have quite a few strong ones myself. I just hate it when people who have never been faced with a situation try and tell other people what to do.

    What frustrates me about bumper stickers is you can't talk to the person or anything, it's such a cowards way to proselytize since you're basically throwing your hate and judgment out there knowing that no one will confront you about it

  10. I'm so right ther with you. If you have a Jesus fish or some other sticker/emblem that gets on my nerves, I totally judge you.

    And, BTW, the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes is one of my faves of all time! "I'm older and I have more insurance!"

  11. Well, you know about my road rage. I feel for you. I am slightly hesitant to admit this but... There is actually an Offspring song that makes me feel good in these situations. I think its called Bad Habit. I call it the "Angry Young Man" song. Does this make me angry too?

  12. Tiwanda!! I don't like any bumper stickers. It's like people giving you a piece of their already scant minds. But the really stupid ones give me the same feeling - tend to get real judgey, especially if they employ stupid driving techniques as well. I daydream about your "light one" scenario, lol. The light 3 was my favorite though

  13. omg..im EXACTLY the same way...and i always feel the need to SEE them..im always like..wtf does someone that judey and stupid LOOK like... then i give em the stink eye real hard... and they are prob wondering ...WTF did i do?... cept they probably say something stupid like FUDGE....irksome ..

  14. Cars plastered in pro life bumper stickers always seem to be driven by men. I dislike personalized plates just as much if not more. One I saw today said ALWYSBZY. But not too busy to get a personalized plate it appears. Gak.


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