Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A kiss with a fist is better then none

The Fairfax County police department contacted my mom last weekend.

They had some of my father's belongings. Could she come and pick them up? They were very kind.

I don't know why I didn't expect letters. I thought there might be clothes, or a bag. Or an umbrella. At least once he had an umbrella with him, which I've always thought was interesting. I took it as a sign of not being totally sure of his course of action.

But what did I know? What do I know?

There were three letters: one to Betty, one to my brother, one to me.

She brought them over last night.

He wanted to stay. He wanted to meet baby Jordan. He wanted to be here for us, with us. And he just couldn't.

All I could do was sit on the floor and sob. It's so unfair.

The world is unfair; I've long known this. It's a lesson best taught early, I think. Although perhaps not so drastically. Life is not fair.

And yet I cry, and repeat myself: I hate it. It's just not fair.

Is it better to get a goodbye note nearly two years late, or not at all?

I don't know.

35 comments:

  1. This touches close to home for me... Hugs, hugs, hugs....

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  2. I don't know, either. But I love you. {hugs}

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  3. It's like something out of a movie. I wonder why it took them 2 years to contact you.

    At least you know your dad wanted what you wanted, even if he couldn't pull it off. You know, too, that in him most difficult moment, he was thinking of all of you and writing an apology of sorts.

    It doesn't change the outcome and that truly sucks but maybe it explains a little more...?

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  4. I'm so sorry that this opened old wounds for you. Sometimes things suckerpunch you, just as you are feeling more balanced. You are completely right, it isn't fair. The letters are a tangible reminder of your Dad's love for you, though, in spite of the pain you feel. Hugs to you and Betty.

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  5. The emotional IEDs are the worst, you sort of expect them buried there under the sand of your life, but you're always surprised when you discover them and they blow up in your face.

    I am sorry he couldnt stay. I'm sorry that Jordan misses out on a pop pop (or grandpa, or pappy or whatever) and you miss out on having a dad around and Betty doesn't have a husband in the flesh. I am sorry that you are sad. But, for what its worth, we the readers love you so much! And we're glad you're here.

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  6. What a sucker punch. I am so sorry.

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  7. Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry. I think you'll only know the answer to that in some time to come. One day you might be really comforted that the note came at all.

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  8. Good lord. What a punch in the gut. Why now? I guess having a final message is a good thing, but the opening of wounds that might be just barely starting to heal must be agonizing. I can't even imagine. It's definitely not fair. It totally sucks.

    Know that I'm thinking about you, my friend, and sending you light and love.

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  9. Oh Lisa, I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. Biggest hugs to you and Betty

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  10. Sweet Lisa, I'm sorry this caught you by surprise and agree it is entirely unfair. Of course you were sobbing. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  11. I'm speechless, but didn't want to be silent. You are in my thoughts (in a non-stalkery way).

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  12. Maybe you won't know the answer until another year or two from now when the shock has worn off, when the words have time to settle, when your head and heart have time to digest them.

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  13. I'm sorry Lisa. I love you.

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  14. monique esselmont2/15/2011 2:32 PM

    I'm so sad for you Lisa... This must be so hard for you and your family. But I've always believed that things happen for a reason, and it's just not apparent right now. One day, you will probably be happy (if that's the right word to use) to have something so personal from your Dad. I know how much he meant to you... As always, you are forever in my heart, my friend. xoxox

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  15. I am so sorry...I also wonder why it took so long for them to contact you, but I suppose this is beside the point now that you know what you know. Thinking of you.

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  16. I believe that in time you will come to truly value that letter. I'm just so sorry it had to come out of the blue to open a healing wound. To be honest, I'm a little angry at the police department for being so lax about passing those on to your family in a timely manner. Have they no heart?

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  17. Do you think someone found this and felt it necessary to send it on, instead of leaving it buried?

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  18. Ugh. I'm so sorry you had to deal with more pain and heartache. But at least you know he wanted to be there for you. I'm sure you knew already, but still. He got to tell you himself. I hope there's some comfort in that. I'm sorry. I can't even imagine.

    And seriously, 2 years later?!? Did they give a reason for it taking so long to give you??

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  19. This makes me feel so sad for you and yet I am relieved for Jordan. I have worried he would feel that his grandpa didn't love him enough. And a letter is proof that yes, indeed he did. He loved all of you, loves all of you in his energy that still exists. Hang in there my dear sweet blogging friend. This was a gift for your son and the blame for the pain goes to someone taking entirely to long to return personal property. Golly life's punches are shitty. Hugs to you and Betty and baby J and Nick. And, even though I am not catholic,or anything concrete really... I slip into the most beautiful catholic church these days and light candles and pray, I shall be lighting them for you and your mom today.
    Peace,
    Lynn in ND

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  20. I'm sad for you Lisa. I'm so sorry.....that you got them so late, that it is so painful. That's a long time. But I think some day, the notes will be a comfort and a treasure - he wanted to explain....and he loved you.

    hugs....

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  21. Two years later??? Wow! Double wow because I had no idea I'd been reading your blog that long.

    I hope you feel some comfort in knowing he was thinking about you and baby J. I'm so sorry that it was painful to you, but I hope it was also nice to hear some final words from him. Hugs.

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  22. Hugs. That's all I got.

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  23. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. Hugs to you.

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  24. oouuufffff, no words, just kisses and hugs and tears from me, love you gorgeous!

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  25. I too am speechless but had to say something. Like how sorry I am. And you're right, life isn't fair. And damn, why now, when you've got to this point with your greiving - why did this take two damned years?

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  26. Much love to you. You are surrounded by love. Now. Always.

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  27. I don't have words that I can reasonably expect will make this any easier. But please know that I am keeping a good thought for you.

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  28. Big hugs, Lisa! My dad didn't leave anything, anything at all, which has caused no end of confusion and pain. Even though this definitely feels like salt on your wound now, I believe in the end it will bring you solace and comfort.

    But that will take time.

    Just breathe, lady. Just breathe and love that lil lovin boy of yours and that big loving man of yours!

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  29. This broke my heart for you and your family because it really isn't fair. It's so unfair. :(

    {hugs}

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  30. i'm so sorry lisa. lots of hugs your way...

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  31. Oh Lisa. I hate that I've been so consumed with my new job that I am just now reading this. I'm so sorry. But letters. Letters. I never would have thought of letters either. It's obvious he loved all of you very much. And well? He loved you. And it's unfair and the world sucks sometimes. I'm so sorry.

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  32. Oh fuck, Lisa I'm sorry. The universe can be a real cocksucker sometimes. I'm so sorry that this came out of the blue and knocked you on your ass. I hope that your letter brings you comfort, once you get over the shock. Thinking of you, hunny bunny.
    xoxo

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