OK, so the fact is that I never used to want anything, because if you don't want and you don't get, you are not disappointed.
Not wanting is safe. You think you are fine because you are as long as you operate within fairly narrow parameters.
But then, as I got more self-confident and more self-aware, I began to be able to admit to myself that there were things that I did want, and things that I could work towards and have. And deserve.
And now I find myself in a position of wanting, of very public wanting, and of not being sure if I can have...without a whole lot of control over it. It's not about effort, it's not about deserving. It just is. Or isn't.
I hate it.