OK, so the fact is that I never used to want anything, because if you don't want and you don't get, you are not disappointed.
Not wanting is safe. You think you are fine because you are as long as you operate within fairly narrow parameters.
But then, as I got more self-confident and more self-aware, I began to be able to admit to myself that there were things that I did want, and things that I could work towards and have. And deserve.
And now I find myself in a position of wanting, of very public wanting, and of not being sure if I can have...without a whole lot of control over it. It's not about effort, it's not about deserving. It just is. Or isn't.
I hate it.
I think one of the hardest things about IF for me, is that there is nothing you can do about fulfilling the wanting that you aren't already doing. You can't save, budget, be good, be helpful, be persistent. You can only do... well, what you are already doing.
ReplyDeleteEspecially if you are at the IF stage of things, you've already done all the things you can that could possibly help. And so you just keep doing and wait.
Great big giant hugs to you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteLetting oneself want things over which one has little control is... well, it's hard.
More hugs.
I know how you feel - likely not due to the same or even similar circumstances, but I understand. You're doing the right thing to go after what you want in life. It's okay not to like that it is hard. Big hug to you Lisa
ReplyDeleteI've never been through that situation but I can understand how very difficult the waiting and uncertainty must be. I'm hoping, saying prayers and sending positive energy your way.
ReplyDeleteLack of control over something can drive me to distraction. I hope you get what you want soon. Hugs, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteMaiden Metallurgist - You are exactly right. You can't just work harder at it and make it happen. Grrr. And the waiting. Christ, the waiting.
ReplyDeleteJessica - Hugs back to you, my friend.
Heather - Thank you. Those are really helpful words. Hugs to you.
Kate - Thank you for the hopes, prayers and energy! I appreciate it!
Lisa - I'm not even a big control person. But this drives me batshit. And makes me very sad. Ugh.
I hate the waiting...for anything. Mostly I hate not knowing. If you know one way or the other you can plan and move forward. You can't do much of anything when you're just waiting. Sending happy thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteI hate it too. For you and so many dear friends. It's the worst.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a magic wand to wave for you. I hope you don't have any regrets about the now very public nature of your heart's desire. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAh so sorry my friend. I hopehope it works out. xxx
ReplyDeleteI have a boy a month younger than J, and I've been reading all your posts about him and thinking, "This is what I have to look forward to soon!" So thank you for all your posts.
ReplyDeleteAnd, we are in a similar position re: trying for a second child. Right now we are about to start an IVF cycle next week. GOOD LUCK and I hope things work out for you.
Oh, the waiting. The wanting. So, so excruciatingly hard.
ReplyDeleteA big hug to all of you. You guys are in my thoughts so much.
When ever I read post from you that is thought provoking like this. I pause and wonder at the way you and I are so much alike and yet miles apart in age and space. But you explain it so well. The wanting of something so much, the desire and the mind games one goes through. And the no control. Hate that part. Advisers will tell you that you can control what your head thinks...yes maybe...but the heart has a mind of it's own.
ReplyDeleteHang in there my friend. Sending positive thoughts out to you.