Monday, August 08, 2011

And now none of you are ever going to want to shake my hand again

I don't know how much you know about suppositories.

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but I know a thing or two about them. And even before I ever used one, I knew that the word "suppository" did not automatically mean "thing you put in your butt."

Which put me one step ahead of my husband.

Anyway, last week, I was prescribed these vaginal suppositories. Not a big deal. They're little pills, not greasy, not messy. At night I make sure my hands are clean, then stick them in and go to sleep.

It's not like I'd never put my finger in my vagina before, you know?

I was going to say that in fact, I've had plenty of fingers in my vagina, but it doesn't sound quite right. But once you've had a baby, you've been examined so many times by such a variety of people that it's kind of all, whatever.

Not that I sit around with my finger in my vagina. Maybe if I were a guy. In which case I wouldn't have one. But you know how men are always shifting their junk around? Because they need more ROOM in their pants or something?

Imagine if women did that.

"What? My vagina just needed a little adjusting. It's just so huge and sometimes I just need to reposition it."

Christ, am I so far off topic.

So the suppositories.

The other night I took a shower and got into bed, and Nick asked if I'd washed my hair, and I said no. He commented that it looked like I had. It was wet around the edges from washing my face.

To which I replied, "Yeah, that's a little trick I picked up in 'Nam."

No, I don't know why I say this shit. But I'm glad I do, because I then added this, "Kind of like the vaginal suppositories."

I reached over and shook the bottle.

"Vaginal! Vaginal! You put them in your vagina!"

To which I was all, "Yes, and?"

"I thought you stuck them in your butt!"

"My butt?"

"Yes! So every night, you get in bed, and you stick one in, and I was thinking, ew, isn't she more hygienic than that? And then last night you reached over and put your hand on my face when you kissed me goodnight, and I was so glad it was your other hand!"

The man has been sitting around thinking I stick my finger in my anus and never bother to wash my hands.

AND HE WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING.

16 comments:

  1. laughing. a little uncomfortably. but laughing nonetheless. conversation is never dull at your house.

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  2. Oh my GOD you cracked me up with this one! I had to share with the hubby, too. We're both chuckling. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. I am having the worst day ever, and this totally made me laugh. So thanks!

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  4. "I don't know how much you know about suppositories." Sure. Steal my opening line, why don't you? (Just kidding. It's a good one, and it's all yours.)

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  5. Cracked me up!
    You would think with all your extremely open conversations he would have had the nads to say something.

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  6. So so funny! Did he say why he wasn't going to say anything?

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  7. Dyinggggg!

    I was laughing so hard I couldn't even read this one aloud to MathMan.

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  8. Am I missing something? So it IS ok to stick your finger up your vagina and NOT wash your hands afterwards?

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  9. Dana - I know, it's awkward. I'm sorry about that.

    Luna - I'm glad! That makes me happy!

    Tia - Sorry about your terrible day. I'm glad I could make you laugh.

    Alex - It's a pretty strong line. We can share it.

    Go-Betty - You know, he's not shy to say anything, and I don't think this was about being worried he'd hurt my feelings. I have no idea.

    Jennifer - No. He was just silently judging me.

    Lisa - That makes me happy. :)

    Carla - When the next thing I'm doing is going to sleep, then yes, for me. Do you bathe right after you have sex?

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  10. That is TRUE, true love. :)

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  11. LISA!! this is hilarious. wow. on so many levels.

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  12. So true about having a baby! I tell everyone that by the time the kid is born, you don't care WHO is there. If you saw the janitor come in the delivery room you'd just be like "Dude, did you bring a plunger? Get this kid out!"

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  13. OMG,
    You are too much.
    Love this!
    Love the randomness, Too.

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  14. Haha! Nick, what's up with that??

    So funny.

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  15. THANK YOU for making me laugh.

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  16. I <3 Nick! That was an awesome post and I'm pretty sure I just woke up the neighbors.

    Thank you for this. It made me laugh so damn hard I hurt myself.

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