Friday, August 12, 2011

Regarding yesterday and who is in charge

So, I want to make sure you know that yesterday I wasn't all, "Oh, I met my warthog and my life is all sparkly and perfect and I'm so awesome and hahaha look at me!"

Although I fear it may have sounded like that. Which is just irritating.

What I really meant was that things had been so NOT good for so very very long.

(Those of you who are long-time readers have heard all of this before. Sorry.)

I'd gotten pretty invested in some extremely manipulative, unkind - even downright mean - men. I'd gone out on dates with scads and scads of Perfectly Nice Human Beings. And some not. I went on a date with a guy who flat-out asked me what was wrong with me, because I'd never been married.

And every time I liked a guy, and I'd held off reallyreally liking him until it seemed like it might work out, and it would get to the point where I was invested, the guy would just...stop being interested.

My self esteem had gotten very very small. And fragile.

And then the spring of the year I met Nick, my dad attempted suicide. Which just made me more fragile.

And then every once in a while, but with enough regularity, these ex-boyfriends, the ones I had fallen hard for, would email or call and ask me out. And I would say yes, because I lack judgment and maybe also because they were really hot.

This kind of thing is a mindfuck-and-a-half.

So by the time I met Nick, I was almost numb.

I won't say that I'd stopped looking, because: 1) I always want to slap people who say they stopped looking and then they met their spouse; and 2) I was on Match. Of course I was fucking looking.

But I was dating very defensively by that point. I was on my guard.

Do you know how exhausting it is to be on your guard all. the. time? And on your guard but hoping for your heart to go pitter-pat or whatever sound it makes? If you know what I mean, well, you know what I mean.

So when I said oh, thank God. That's what I meant.

I meant, thank the powers that be that I'd had enough therapy to let a good one in. Thank the universe for letting me meet one who had had enough experience with Crazy that he could not only deal with my family and me but even really appreciate us. Thank Krishna or whoever you might turn to for lining up our singleness and senses of humor.

Basically, I just wanted to thank whoever is in charge for changing things from so very bad to good, in one moment.

(Also, just to be clear here, by "whoever is in charge," Nick, I don't mean you.)


  1. Amen, girlfrien'.

  2. I understood what you meant. And I know what you mean. It's wonderful good things aligned at the right time in yours and Nick's life and even better you appreciate it so sincerely.

    Ha! I was worried Nick was in charge, which would be interesting but yeah, the universe really is in charge.

  3. As always you are amazing...just AMAZING! Love your blogposts - they revive me!

  4. AMEN is right. I'm in that spot where I'm letting someone in... and it's scaring the shit outta me.

  5. Thanks for this. It might be just what I needed to read today. :-)

  6. What people really mean is, "I met my spouse when I wasn't looking... desperate." There. Fixed that for them. :o)

    I'm glad that whomever is in charge was looking out for you two, too. And it was obvious that's what you meant.

  7. This reads like the best kind of love letter.

  8. Stevie - Thank you!

    HK - I knew you would know how I meant it. And yeah, Nick only thinks he is in charge.

    Ritu - Huge hugs to you, my friend. Thank you.

    Shelly - It is scary, it really is. Good luck.

    Stacy - That is nice to hear.

    Jessica - You have the best way with words. The best. Hug you.

    Dana - I like how you put it.

  9. I don't know about everyone else, but you give me hope there's someone out there.

  10. i loved this sooooo much.... xoxoxoxooxo

  11. I needed this today. Bless you.


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