Monday, August 29, 2011

Where I am right now

I have always had extremely intense friendships. I've never had many at once, because I put a lot of myself into relationships.

I don't know how not to. I've always been drawn to intensity. I still am.

The thing is, it took me years to realize that I was also drawn to crazymakers. Those people who suck you in and make you all about their issues. And you spend all your time focusing on them which is kind of cool when you're in all kinds of denial, because that way you effectively avoid dealing with your own shit.

It's not that it was what made me happy, and it certainly wasn't healthy; it was just very familiar.

Plus I can look back and see that I myself did pleeeeeenty of crazymaking.

Thank God for therapy.


Years ago, when my friend Maude and I were in our very early 20s, we lived together in Mount Pleasant.

We were roommates for almost a year, until the serial rapist broke in. And then I went off to the Peace Corps and Maude went back to school and then she and I didn't live together until our late 20's, when she taught me how to drive stick (well, really, how to drive at all) and we drove from DC to San Diego.

Anyway, I can't remember which time it was that we lived together that what I'm about to tell you happened. But if you know my Maude stories, then you know that we've known each other since we were born (separate mothers, she always adds) and we have this very long history together.

Also, this is such a bigger lead-up than it merits, because I'm not going to say anything earth-shattering, but this is the only way that I can get to it.

At some point, someone was trying very hard to befriend me. I don't even remember who by now, probably because she and I never became friends. Because Maude sat me down and said, "You don't have room for her. You only have enough for one high maintenance friend, and that person is me."

Or something to that effect. And I was all, "She's right. I've got no room for this woman." It was very clear. And that was that.

Which brings me to this. I have a lot of stuff going on right now. Things I can't write about even though I would really like to, because I just can't. Although when they're over or different, then I will, and it will be a relief. But for now, I'm full, and I'm tired.

I'm not trying to be all mysterious or cryptic. You know I'm about as good at opaque as a glass of water.

But what this all means is that I've been backing away from blogging a bit, and from my blogging relationships. Because, true to my nature, the blogs and bloggers I love are the intense ones. The ones who talk about emotional things, who pull me in, who make me care.

If I don't care, I don't care.

But it takes a certain amount of energy to care, and while I give it gladly, I don't currently have any extra.

And this is where I am right now. It's not that I don't adore you. It's just that I only have room for one high maintenance person in my life right now, and that person (besides my entire family, I mean) is me.


  1. *hugs* take your time. We'll be here...

  2. I concur with vvk. We're here! *hugs*

  3. I concur. You are generous, kind, thoughtful and have such a big heart. Everyone gets to where you are and during those times it's important to lean on others or just take time for yourself. Big hug to you :)

  4. Blogging shouldn't be an obligation, or an extra stress in your life. Good luck with all your stuff =).

  5. Harumph. Are you calling me high-maintenance because I rely on you for my afternoon laughter?

    Totally kidding :) Take all the time you need, and I'll be right here ready to laugh again when you come back.

  6. Sometimes it's important to let yourself be the high maintenance person in your life. :-)

  7. Kudos to you for recognizing this and taking action on it! I go through times like this and happen to be going through the opposite of a blogging lull right now.

    Much love to you and your family as you deal with life. I'll be looking for your new posts, whenever they may come.

    Take care!

  8. Boundaries are good, and very healthy.

  9. dude, i kept my life simple ALL the time. I thrive living 'at a medium pace.' Write when you feel like it, visit when you can. no pressure sister. xoxo

  10. i completely understand where you're coming from with this, lisa. do what works for you. i float in and out of writing and visiting blogs, too. that's just how it goes. i hope everything is okay in your world :)

  11. I'll happily read whatever you write, whenever you write it. Take your time. Tend to yourself and your family.

  12. Hopefully there are some good things brewing for you. I'll keep checking back and wait for the big reveal! Take care of yourself!

  13. i will miss you, but i understand. i'm sorry that you are having a hard time, and i hope to keep up with you on the facespace and hopefully in person in the coming months! xoxo

  14. Take care of yourself. I just said a little prayer for you getting whatever you need for happiness.

  15. I have to chime, having just been plopped in front of my own family/life issues that MUST be dealt with before anything else other can enter my life.

    Take your time. Hell, it's not like any body here isn't going to be here. At least, I hope they are here when you get around to well, getting around, right?


    On that note, enjoy your son, your hubby and Betty! Enjoy the Summer as it slips into Fall and everything that will come with the crazy that is that.

    Enjoy your YOU time, because damn it woman, we all need it.


  16. Well it does sound just a tad cryptic, even though I know you don't mean to, but there just ain't no way to 'splain it properly now... but now worries, mate, 'cause I be, they be, we be - all here whenever you're ready, you scrumptious lil' crumpet of a blogger you! ;)

  17. P.S. - reason I don't write a blog: could never say in total public, all the things I'd want to, in the manner I'd want to. So I don't do it at all. The editing-to-truth would drive me insane. I know what you mean when you say it will be a relief to finally dump the load. I have a lot of respect. Sheee-it, if I had a real blog, like you, I might'nt have a friend left in the world!

  18. "crazymakers"!!! i got 'em in spades. unfortunately they live in my town - heh

  19. Take good care of yourself, my friend.

  20. You have exactly the right idea - take care of you and yours, my dear. Many blessings to you as you deal with the travails of life and we'll all be here to support you when you're ready to write again.

  21. This is totally random, but I wanted you to know that the crazy person landing on your page after Googling "congolese+women+rolled+breasts" was me. I found myself at a dinner with some wonderful women discussing how I had read somewhere (your blog) that women in the Congo rolled their long, flat breasts up and tucked them into their sarongs.

    I'll admit it. IT WAS ME!

    Take as long as you need. We'll be here, if only for gems like those.

  22. I love you! xoxo


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