Friday, December 16, 2011

Assorted unmentionables

So I was going to talk about underwear, because it's very much on my mind, or rather, my abdomen. I mean, it was, until I folded it down.

Because postpartum, once I was out of the gigantor hospital undies, I went out to Target and got huge cotton underwear that came up way past my scar and kind of helped hold in my sloshy belly. Which I made the mistake of putting on today and now they're squeezing my little baby house.

But then I was thinking, does anyone really want to hear about my underwear? So that's probably all I should stay about that.

Speaking of baby houses, the kid is all kicking and turning and flipping and generally, I assume, keeping herself amused in there. She's busy, I tell you.

I'm now 21 weeks, which means that due-dately speaking, I am more than halfway done. Even though it is likely that I will go past it, it's nice to have the countdown to the end be smaller numbers than the ones behind you.

If that makes sense.

Speaking of behinds, which I'm sorry, kind of leads back to my underwear, or rather the reason I thought the big ones were a good idea. Ass containment and all.

Because this! Sometime between Wednesday night and Thursday afternoon, when I was doing squats and happened to look sideways in the gym mirror, my ass doubled in size.

Doubled. I am not kidding.

And because I have been through this science experiment before, I was all, "Crap. The ass explosion has begun."

I apologize for how that sounds. You understand that what I mean is that my ass is just going to just grow exponentially from here on out. Kind of like a chia pet in my pants. God, that's not a better visual, is it?

Anyway, it is about size and NOT that I suddenly have no control over my fecal matter.

Oh, god, which reminds me. Also: one of Jordan's diapers - we have to assume dirty, although also we can fairly safely assume JUST PEE - somehow made it into the washing machine. We only realized it once our clothes came out of the dryer with shockingly tenacious white clumps on them.

You know how sometimes you run a Kleenex through? And you wind up with tons of white speckles that are a pain to get off? But they're not like totally industrial white chunks that cling to your clothing like it's the only thing between them and death?

We're running the load through the washer again. In case. Because, well, really, does anyone actually need a because?

OK, I'm stopping now before it gets any worse.

8 comments:

  1. I started reading about the time you went on your honeymoon. How many more kinds of ass explosions are you capable of?

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  2. Oh man, reading this brings back how heartbroken I was when certain of my friends flaked-off as I was embarking on the child raising experience.

    I was the first of our group to have a child. I think what I was going through was freaking them out ( -freaking THEM out!).

    Over time, as they had kids, they gravitated back to my realm, all "Oh, we're so SORRY, we just didn't KNOW...we should've BEEN THERE for you." And now here they were asking advise. I had to dig for forgiveness, which I did achieve with the realization that this trip ain't for the faint-of-heart; heck, they were probably afraid if they witnessed all that shit up too
    close and personal, they might chicken-out of having their own kids... and now here they are, and don't they look pitiful, caps in hand, wanting to know how I survived it.

    But truth be told, I wasn't quite sure -still not- myself; often it was just a matter of hangin' on for the ride!

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  3. I don't think your ass looks explosive at all! You look fabulous, woman. Really!

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  4. Heh! Catching up on your posts while I have a stolen 15 mins on the computer. Wow, you're half way thru already! Exciting!

    And I hear you about the whining. Oh my god, its driving me nuts! I just say, I can't hear you when you speak in that voice. And yesterday I cried and that shut her up. Didn't mean to but, you know! And she was all sweet and sympathetic and rushed off to get her monkey to comfort me!

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  5. Have I told you lately how much I adore your blog and you? I am standing in my kitchen 9.30pm,(laptop on the bench because I keep all my recipes on here) making a chocolate cake to take into work tomorrow and I decided that while the baking is happening I would catch up on LG with my cuppa. I nearly spat tea all over my laptop when I burst out laughing. Thank you for the laughter and the memories because it calls to mind when my ass morphed overnight 19 odd years ago, trouble is mine never went away. It has been described as chipmunk cheeks, when they have a mouth full of acorns. humph!!!
    But seriously 21 weeks already....geez where has time gone. ya gotta love the big comfy nana undies espesh when you have c-section scars...tres comfy no?

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  6. I had a similar experience a couple of weeks ago. One of my cats decided to take a crap on the bathroom rug, and my BF cleaned it up and put the rug in the washer...or so he thought.

    The next day, I start the washer, and then transfer the clothes to the dryer, not really checking, because well, who checks each individual piece of clothing. There was a turd left on the rug, and it was fine in the washer since I wash with cold....in the dryer however...well, I think everyone can imagine, Yuck

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  7. My one year old nephew today pooed on the carpet and started playing in it before we even noticed! And he was FURIOUS when we took him away, he was having such fun!

    Thought you'd appreciate that. To add to your unmentionables.

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  8. Susan - Oh, god, that honeymoon food poisoning was TRAUMATIC. Thank you for starting with that and not bailing on my immediately. I think these are the only two kinds I'm capable of.

    tamater sammich - I had no idea about any of it until I was pregnant and then had a kid. You just have no concept of how hard it is, how it sucks everything you have out of you, how all-consuming it is. Having a child has made me a MUCH more supportive, understanding person.

    Luna - Oh, thank you! It was wonderful to meet you and your beautiful family! And YOU! You have this teeny tiny hot figure - with two kids, one a new baby. Amazing!

    Miranda - Yes, halfway! But grateful as I am to be pregnant...I am already SO over it. And you! You are almost there!!!

    I have started saying that I can't hear him unless he talks nicely, and it works. I just have to say it every. Single. Time. He rephrases things in a nicer way, with a normal voice. He just forgets 5 minutes later. I could definitely see crying.

    AND: That makes my laugh and makes my stomach heave at the same time. Truly revolting.

    Go-Betty - Hahaha! Chipmunk cheeks with a mouthful of acorns! I mean, I think I'd cry if someone said that to me, but it's a very creative description. Huge hugs to you! And yum, chocolate cake!

    Headstrong Damsel - Oh, wow. You win. That is seriously horrifying. Cat poop in the dryer...oh, the hot melty dryer. I am so sorry.

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