Thursday, December 15, 2011

The opposite of air fresheners

I don't know if you've spent any time looking at air fresheners.

There's a spray can in the bathroom at work. It's called Morning Linen. Which, if you think about it, is kind of an odd name for a smell.

Because linen on its own doesn't really have a smell, does it? And you can only associate times of day with particular smells if you associate them with what's going on.

Like, morning might smell like breakfast cooking. Mmm, coffee and cinnamon and maple syrup!

But morning could also smell like last night's debauchery. Eww, too much alcohol and, uh, I can't believe I brought you home with me.

I get that they're trying to conjure up crispness and cleanliness. I looked up some others. Linen seems to be popular. Linen and breezes and spring and water. Linen and Sky, Crisp Breeze, New Zealand Springs, Refreshing Spring...

So then I started thinking about names for air fresheners that would be distinctly unpopular:

Gingko-lined Street
Damp Wool
Afternoon on the Ganges
Adams Morgan Alleys
New York Subway Breeze
Kiddy Pool
Evening Rush Hour on Metro

You'd think I'd put my mind to a higher purpose, wouldn't you? Or maybe you know me well enough by now.


  1. Ginkgo-lined street for the win...we used to live near one (Corcoran) that we called 'the ginkgobstacle course" because getting through it without getting that stinking mush stuck in the tread of your shoes was an athletic feat.

  2. Mildewed Pool Towel
    Very, Very Old Yogurt
    Roadkill in in Locked Van in August Sun
    Infected Wound Dressings
    Philadelphia Landfill
    Diaper Bucket
    Dumpster Puddle

  3. I've never been to the Ganges....I might be interested in that one - if I hadn't seen it on this post: ) How bout "Wet Dog?"

  4. Sweaty Yoga Mat

    I have experience with that one...forgot to bring my mat to class one day. Never again.

    Making us laugh has purpose, not sure how high it ranks :)

  5. You could be the air freshener namer for OPI, if OPI did air fresheners. Or... air smellifiers...

    "Exit 13" (an homage to the worst stretch of the NJ Turnpike.

  6. Gym Locker room
    Morning Breath
    Cat Pee

    For the mommies amoung us:

    Diaper Pail
    Sippy lost under the car seat
    Baby Food
    Spit up

  7. Definitely air "unfresheners!"

  8. C_Girl - I know! They're this shocking combo of vomit and poo and they get all stuck in your shoes. Ugh.

    Amateur - Love the list! Awful!

    Kate - Ugh, wet dog is up there for sure. The's probably unfair to say that the whole river is stinky. There's a lot of cremation and bodies and human pollution, particularly in one holy city.

    HK - Ew ew ew. Sweaty anything with someone else's sweat. Ew.

    Jessica - I wanted to include an industrial part of NJ but didn't know how! That is perfect! Also, I like the name. Maybe even for nail polish...

    cla517 - Oh, those are terrible! Truly terrible!

    J - Absolutely. Nobody would choose them.

  9. One of the worst/best in my book would be "teenage boys bedroom" honestly you havent smelt anything like it, an aromatic mixture of sweaty socks, gym gear, wet muddy football boots, pet dog, old plate of spagetti from some random midnight snack, unchanged sheets, cheap aftershave and a plethora of other crusty smells. I make 'the teenager who lives in my house' keep his door shut these days.

  10. Ew,ew,EW! I'll second the teenaged boys bedroom and add

    Freshly Opened Canned Cat Food


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