Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Sunday on the island of what on earth is she doing with that grande jatte?

Parental warning: Dad, this will make you unhappy. Best avoided. Betty, I know you're going to read it anyway.

And actually, anyone who is opposed to porn should probably avoid this as well. It's not that I'm pro-porn. It's more that we saw some and then had to analyze the holy crap! out of it. Honest to god. We brought it up again over breakfast the next morning. And again on the plane. I'm sure we'll discuss it again next time we see each other. It was a little scarring.

On our last afternoon by the pool, we overheard several people talking about the porn channel. One of them turned to us. Had we seen the hard core porn channel?

Jen immediately and loudly said, "Lis! We could be watching porn! How have we spent all this time away from our porn?"

We hadn't watched any TV. We'd definitely not seen The Porn.

The couple on rafts nearest us laughed. And the guy said "Not 37 - that's Playboy. Channel 38." His girlfriend (Or wife? Maybe she just forgot to write "honeymoon! sex 24/7! " on her forehead?) nodded.

So Sunday night, as we were packing and watching Desperate Housewives and then Brothers and Sisters, Jen was flipping channels during a commercial and found The Porn.

"Yikes!"

All of a sudden, on the TV, was a veryveryvery close up of an enormous, erect penis in an orifice.

"Holy cow! Is that? This must be..."

"I believe so. And that's..."

"But I don't think it's in her...I think it's in her..."

"Holy Christ that's enormous! And it is, isn't it? It's in her...Eeeeee!"

"Ass? Her ass!!?"

"Can't be. Did you see how big that was? That is not going to fit in...Noo! Oh for the love of...it is!"

We both do a little cringy twitchy dance and flip to ABC and resume packing. By the next time there's a commercial and we flip back it's a new woman. She's standing between two men, both of whom whip out astoundingly ginormous erections.

Immediately, the next shot is of genitalia, very close up. All of them. I'm truly astounded by her ability to balance, and squat in those high high heels, with her legs that far apart, and then to time everything. With two people. And still have one hand free for other stuff. It's incredible.

It's like an aerobics video with nakedidity and penisis.

Seriously. It's not sexy. It's not arousing. You would not be at all surprised to have her suddenly say, "Four more! Three more! You can do it! Good job! Next let's do 15 with hand weights."

"She's got to have some serious thigh muscles to do that. How would you be able to keep that up? And look at her balance and coordination of all of this."

"Thigh muscles! Whatever! Anyone can develop strong thighs! How can she be so cavalier about something that vigorous and enormous in her bottom? And where's her gag reflex?"

Now, the truth is, neither of us had ever watched any porn. It's not that I've gone out of my way not to watch any. But I've never had anyone suggest it, either. And so there we are, two porn virgins, going, "Huh?" and "Eeeeeee!" and "Yikes!"

Because honestly, the bulk of what I know about porn I learned from Boogie Nights. I thought it was all the repair man comes to the door and then they have sex in the kitchen.

So while we wanted to generalize about Latin vs. American porn, we really couldn't. One positive I'd say is that these women seemed to have their own breasts, and they were not huge. They had really nice figures, but normal ones. I do think Americans put much more emphasis on breasts, and the importance of enormity.

But is there always a lot of vigorous butt sex in porn? Was this aberrant or run-of-the-mill? Was it because we were in a Catholic country and it was Sunday?

And also, where do your intestines begin?

All very alarming. We retreated to the comfort and familiarity of ABC Sunday night programming.

43 comments:

  1. I find porn to be completely unsexy but extremely acrobatic/aerobic.

    And I envy some of those women's gag reflex.

    I would NEVER make it in porn.

    Not that I would want to.

    wow. I just said that out loud.

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  2. Hilarious.

    Welcome to the club. Although, fair warning, you have to be careful. Sooner or later the regular stuff won't do it for you. That's when you find yourself alone at 3 a.m. googling "Cartoon + Cat + Bukkake + Synchronized Swimming."

    And that's when you know you've hit rock bottom.

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  3. I've not gone beyond The Red Shoe Diaries, so I couldn't answer any of your questions. I'm sure I have an ex-boyfriend or ten who would be happy to do so on my behalf. Deviants!

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  4. This post is great. My best friend and I sometimes get drunk and watch/critique the heck out of porn and it's just so fun.

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  5. OMG, this is hilarious. Did you find yourselves tilting your heads to make sure you were looking at the right thing? LOL. The Butt Violation has become a big thing lately....not sure why but I am sure if someone told a guy that sex would be great in an ear or nostril....they would want that too.

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  7. This is hilarious. I am with you on really never having watched any porn. My freshman year of college I decided it was a sort of right of passage and let a bunch of film school friends bring a tape to my room. So it was me, my roommate, and like 6 film nerds. I literally didn't make it through the previews at the beginning of the tape before I went running from the room. EEEEEEWWWWW. Then I had to have a little talk with myself about how a bunch of guys were watching porn in my room while I was exiled next door - I finally told them to take their porn and shove it :)

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  8. Ummm... yeah.

    And also, where do your intestines begin?

    They begin at the Duodenum, which attaches to the stomach. They end at rectum, which is part of your intestines, specifically part of your large intestine.

    So yes, in anal sex, a penis is inserted into intestines...

    That's begging for some crude sausage humor, but I won't go there.

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  9. Re: comparison of latin and american porn. I was surprised to find that a lot of american porn also has normal (well what's normal in the porn industry) looking women. I had the same shock in Portugal when I accidentally started watching hotel porn and saw not one ginormous but two ginormous in the same out hole... if that made any sense. It was INCREDIBLY disturbing and not arousing in the least.

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  11. So. This porn. So many questions.

    a) The soundtrack to this porn. Did it feature the typical, heavy bass lines of a domestic U.S. porn? Or was it more like a mariachi band?

    b) Was there a plot? Superseding the question of plot, was there a story with beginning, middle, and end? If so, of what genre was its classification?

    c) Assuming the native tongue was something other than English, did the producers provide the viewer with subtitles or Second Audio Program (SAP) dialogue?

    d) How were the production values?

    e) And on a rating scale of 1-5 hard-ons, with fractional grades acceptable, how many would you award?

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  12. SD - Ha ha! I would never make it in porn either.

    YIHA - Wow - like a gateway drug...And now someone is going to wind up here googling that exact string. And they'll be sorely disappointed.

    FK - Don't go out of your way. But if you happen to run into them, I'd be curious!

    NA - I have to say, it was pretty engrossing.

    DD'sD - YES! We did do the head tilt! And I'm sure you're right - there would be a ton of nose fucking if that were a possibility.

    MI - You exiled and a bunch of guys watching porn in your room. That is truly hilarious!

    VVK - Oh, wow. Yikes yikes yikes. I will definitely have to tell Jen.

    Jo - That very thought makes me cringe in 37 different ways. Owie owie ow.

    Thor - I don't rememer any music or dialogue. There was just a guy talking about how hot she was. But it was more like he was introducing her. In Spanish, no subtitles. And then the two men with sudden erections appeared. Definitely no plot. As for ratings, I'm not a numbers person.

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  13. I think I'm rather glad I can't answer any of your questions. A girlfriend of a friend and I did once tag along with "the guys" to a strip club just to see what it was like, and were pretty bored within 15 minutes or so. I can understand the head tilt thing, though.

    Have fun with those search engines, btw!

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  14. Lisa - I launghed so hard at this post. You're right - the close-ups are pretty extreme. And there's no way that some of those positions can be any fun. It's too much like work.

    As for the butt-sex? It seems to be quite popular these days. Maybe with the focus on teaching abstinence in school, there really is this backlash of increased anal and oral so that everyone can stay virgins.

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  15. Matt - Thanks! :)

    Sarah - Yah. I'm one of the few people I know who has never been to a strip club either.

    DCup - You are right. There actually is a lot more anal and oral sex in high schools now as a result of that. It's pretty scary.

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  16. That was a great post!

    A friend and I had the same question a couple of years ago after her husband had bought a bunch of porn tapes when a video store was going out of business (he is a MAJOR bargain hunter). We both wondered what the fascination was with the butt stuff, because that is IMPOSSIBLE to watch.

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  17. I don't know about pay-per-view porn, but I would DEFINITELY turn on the "little cringy twitchy dance" channel, if there was such a thing.

    That sounds hilarious.

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  18. I hope you are quite proud of yourself you have successfully made a demon of 3 centuries experience blush. Therefore, I find it my responsibility to answer some of your questions.

    Yes, curiously enough there is quite a bit of "vigorous" butt sex in porn especially in the "modern" [post VHS] era. Google "Belladonna" for more details.

    As far as the intestine and where they commence the answer, According to Gray's Anatomy/Wikipedia is right on the other side of the anal aperture, or anteroposterior slit. The anal canal is an integral part of the descending colon's terminating band and in inferior to the rectum. Since the anal canal is generally less than 2 inches [5 cm] deep anal sex is a penetrative misnomer but is preferred to the phrase "rectal sex" despite such anatomical accuracy.

    Qu'ul cuda praedex nihil!

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  19. Suniverse - Thank you! I know - I can't imagine sitting around watching this kind of thing.

    Rich - Ha ha! If we ever decide to start such a channel, I'll let you know for sure!

    CE - I'm delighted! I didn't anticipate making anyone blush with this! As for all the information - thank you so much. I truly had no idea.

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