Parental warning: Dad, this will make you unhappy. Best avoided. Betty, I know you're going to read it anyway.
And actually, anyone who is opposed to porn should probably avoid this as well. It's not that I'm pro-porn. It's more that we saw some and then had to analyze the holy crap! out of it. Honest to god. We brought it up again over breakfast the next morning. And again on the plane. I'm sure we'll discuss it again next time we see each other. It was a little scarring.
On our last afternoon by the pool, we overheard several people talking about the porn channel. One of them turned to us. Had we seen the hard core porn channel?
Jen immediately and loudly said, "Lis! We could be watching porn! How have we spent all this time away from our porn?"
We hadn't watched any TV. We'd definitely not seen The Porn.
The couple on rafts nearest us laughed. And the guy said "Not 37 - that's Playboy. Channel 38." His girlfriend (Or wife? Maybe she just forgot to write "honeymoon! sex 24/7! " on her forehead?) nodded.
So Sunday night, as we were packing and watching Desperate Housewives and then Brothers and Sisters, Jen was flipping channels during a commercial and found The Porn.
All of a sudden, on the TV, was a veryveryvery close up of an enormous, erect penis in an orifice.
"Holy cow! Is that? This must be..."
"I believe so. And that's..."
"But I don't think it's in her...I think it's in her..."
"Holy Christ that's enormous! And it is, isn't it? It's in her...Eeeeee!"
"Ass? Her ass!!?"
"Can't be. Did you see how big that was? That is not going to fit in...Noo! Oh for the love of...it is!"
We both do a little cringy twitchy dance and flip to ABC and resume packing. By the next time there's a commercial and we flip back it's a new woman. She's standing between two men, both of whom whip out astoundingly ginormous erections.
Immediately, the next shot is of genitalia, very close up. All of them. I'm truly astounded by her ability to balance, and squat in those high high heels, with her legs that far apart, and then to time everything. With two people. And still have one hand free for other stuff. It's incredible.
It's like an aerobics video with nakedidity and penisis.
Seriously. It's not sexy. It's not arousing. You would not be at all surprised to have her suddenly say, "Four more! Three more! You can do it! Good job! Next let's do 15 with hand weights."
"She's got to have some serious thigh muscles to do that. How would you be able to keep that up? And look at her balance and coordination of all of this."
"Thigh muscles! Whatever! Anyone can develop strong thighs! How can she be so cavalier about something that vigorous and enormous in her bottom? And where's her gag reflex?"
Now, the truth is, neither of us had ever watched any porn. It's not that I've gone out of my way not to watch any. But I've never had anyone suggest it, either. And so there we are, two porn virgins, going, "Huh?" and "Eeeeeee!" and "Yikes!"
Because honestly, the bulk of what I know about porn I learned from Boogie Nights. I thought it was all the repair man comes to the door and then they have sex in the kitchen.
So while we wanted to generalize about Latin vs. American porn, we really couldn't. One positive I'd say is that these women seemed to have their own breasts, and they were not huge. They had really nice figures, but normal ones. I do think Americans put much more emphasis on breasts, and the importance of enormity.
But is there always a lot of vigorous butt sex in porn? Was this aberrant or run-of-the-mill? Was it because we were in a Catholic country and it was Sunday?
And also, where do your intestines begin?
All very alarming. We retreated to the comfort and familiarity of ABC Sunday night programming.