Monday, August 18, 2008

My Day in Court, or, a Guest Blog for the Faithful

Lisa asked me, Nick, if I would guest blog while she is in San Diego. So, here is the story from my perspective.

As we were getting ready for bed one night last week, Lisa walked out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth, and asked "What would you do if we got into a fight and I swallowed my engagement ring?" She raised her toothbrush in the air as she asked; however, this did nothing to soften the whole mouth-full-o-toothpaste aspect.

Now I want you to picture the scene - I am sitting in bed, facing Lisa as she stared at me while awaiting my answer. Waving her frothy toothbrush in the air for emphasis. It was not one of those situations where the questioner was going to go away if confronted by silence.


"You heard me. If I swallowed my ring? What would you do?"

"This is not a conversation that needs perpetuating."

"What would you do, seriously?"

If you read on a regular basis, you know Lisa. I know Lisa. There was no dodging this one - the die was cast. So, before we were going to be able to sleep that night the question was going to have to be resolved to her satisfaction.

"I would probably take you to the hospital, as I'm pretty sure the edges on it would cut your insides?

"How? What would they cut?"

Now, I started off college pre-med. I did it for one term before I realized that I hated lab. However, I do recall from my youth our family dogs eating all sorts of detritus (crayons, string, socks, marbles) that what goes in will eventually come out. And the ring has some fairly acute edges.

"I am sure the prongs would cut you on the way out."

"Are you sure? How do you know that?"

This is exactly where I didn't want to be - defending a thesis concerning the anatomical mishaps that would result from an engagement ring's passage through one's alimentary canal. Recall, in fact, that I was the one already in bed and bent on sleep when the question arose. This required a change in tactics - I had to go on the offensive.

"I just think so. Why would you ever swallow the ring in the first place? What have you been reading?"

"I was just wondering. Would you strain it out of my pooh?"

"Sweetheart, I bought that ring. I am still paying for it. Yes, I would strain it from your pooh."

Lisa laughed a little bit and went back into the bathroom to spit. Finally.

In just a few more seconds, both of us were in bed, the lights were out, and we were both happy about the way things worked out.


  1. Excellent guest post, Nick! And by "we were both happy about the way things worked out" are you referring to the fact that she did NOT swallow the ring - ha!

  2. Swallow the ring? Never! Burn the invitations, maybe. Dump your stuff in the front yard, heck yeah. But swallow a shiny sparkly diamond? No. Decidedly no.
    I bet it wouldn't shine quite the same, once it was strained out of the toilet.

  3. I suppose diamonds really are forever.

  4. having seen the ring firsthand last night, I can say with certainty that it would have a difficult and painful journey through Lisa's digestive system. Lots of prongs. No good for intestines.

  5. I'm loving Nick as guest blogger!

    So glad this scenario remains hypothetical.

  6. Wow, that is love. I don't think I could bring myself to do as much.

  7. Hi Nick! Great post, so funny.

  8. Hi Nick! Great post, so funny.

  9. Dude, as a faithful Lemon Gloria reader, I think it's safe to say that if you're going to marry this woman, you had better learn how to spell "poo."

  10. Oh, Nick.


    You're a lucky man, indeed.

  11. I think it's safe to say that Lisa would never actually swallow the ring. However, were I you, I'd be checking out what else she might be reading in terms of vindictive, angry behavioral suggestions.

    You know, just in case she ever gets that angry.

  12. So great to hear from Nick! We love your "to-be" and are so happy for the both of you! And I hope she doesn't swallow the ring. That would make for an awkward "togetherness" activity.

  13. Well, that's certainly an upgrade from "says bless you when I sneeze"

    Lovely to see you here, Nick! And I was definitely glad to read the other side of *that* particular story. :o)

  14. Great job on your first guest post, Nick! I look forward to more! xoxo, MPD

  15. I love that Nick guest posted. I also love that we've now heard twice about you maybe swallowing your ring. But, um, please don't do it- there's no way that will end well.

  16. Prongs... exiting... yikes...

    Not the visual I was anticipating on a lovely Tuesday afternoon. That is love, indeed.

  17. Welcome, Nick! Thanks for the guest post! It's so interesting to hear the same story from different sides... turns out it's not really the same story at all. :)


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