732 and a big rant

Warning: this is the opposite of oh, yay, the wedding is going to be so beautiful and life is great! In case that's what you're looking for here.

732? This is the number of things I am probably supposed to be doing. Some of these things I know I don't even know I'm overlooking.

The caterer, who is awesome, is going to send me a list of musts, and another list of suggestions. And a schedule, with his pieces filled in, and blanks where we need to take some action. This will help.

I love this man, and if he weren't gay, which I'm quite sure he is, and if I weren't marrying Nick, which I most definitely am, I'd probably want to marry him. He's really cute and dresses very well and has great taste and is just so incredibly organized. And soothing.

Yesterday we met with this caterer, and the music man (which of course makes me think, "With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!"), who is also fantastic. And last but not least, we met with the person at the house museum. Whose main function? Seems to be to tell us that we can't do things.

I know these aren't her rules. They're the stuffy, uptight, we're a really important, uptight, historical society - and did I say uptight? - house rules.

Really, I wish they'd just provide us with a fucking list of things we are allowed to do. Because it'd be a lot fucking easier for them to compile than the extensive list of things we can't.

And the most frustrating part, the part that really would make me choose another venue if I could, is that I have to go through Nick for everything. Because he's the member. Which is a whole nother explanation.

Also, I know "whole nother" is not a written expression. Nor is it correct grammar, even spoken. You might be thinking this. But I like it. So there.

And so now for the no no no's. Or anyway, the highlights.

Red wine? No. It could stain the marble floors. Cosmos? No. Same with any other red beverage.

Pulling up to the front for people to get out? No. Even though there's a goddamn driveway? No. Not unless they're handicapped. Which our officiant is. So he's allowed to pull up. To the side entrance.

Flowers draping over the fireplace as a backdrop for our ceremony? No. Nothing on the fireplace. In fact, nothing can be set on anything. No rigging of anything.

They suggested we use the money from the fireplace flowers to have bathroom arrangements. I didn't ask if we're allowed to set anything on the bathroom sink. Nor did I ask if you're actually allowed to rest your ass on the toilet seat. Because the answer? Would probably be no.

Candles? No.

Rehearsal? Only between 4:00 and 5:00 pm on the Friday before. Which none of our people can get to. And it's just too early in terms of then heading to the rehearsal dinner, even if we start cocktails at 6:30. But the house closes at 5 pm. End of story.

And the kicker?

The room we're supposed to get ready in? You know, the one they assigned to us, when Nick called up and said we need a room? The one that ALL of my bridesmaids and I are going to spend the afternoon getting ready, hanging out, drinking champagne, taking pre-wedding pictures, and just generally getting geared up for the wedding in? That room?

Not allowed to be in until 4 pm. Why? Because it's on the goddamn fucking museum tour. The 20 people who go through this house on any given day have to be given access. Because it's on the tour.

It's so awesome that they have no remote fucking need to be accommodating. At all.

What I would really like to do, on my way out after the wedding, is this: Gather up vases of flowers, and arrange them across the fucking fireplace. And then open and drizzle an entire bottle of red wine across the marble floor. And then light candles, drip the wax on the floor to hold them, and set them in a pattern on the floor around it.

I know I should be all grateful that it's this beautiful venue, in a great location, and we are lucky to have it, and because of circumstance, it saved us a lot of money, and it makes Nick's father really happy. But I'm not, at least not today.

Fuck this historic society house museum. I hate them.