Friday, September 05, 2008

Hypothetically speaking. Of course.

Lets say you have a fiancé named, oh, Nick. For example.

Let's also imagine that this hypothetical fiancé has a father who used to travel a lot for work. And in the 1970s, he went to India. Where he was given a bolt of paisley cloth, spun with actual gold thread.

Please remember the actual gold thread. Because it is used as a selling point.

As in, "But Lis! It's made with actual gold thread!"

But back to the matter at hypothetical hand.

Say this father took the cloth to a tailor, and had it made into a dinner jacket. Which then hung in his closet for 30-some years. Until his son announced he was getting married.

Try to imagine that at this point, aforementioned father decided to pull out the jacket and offer it to son Nick. And then imagine that Nick being delighted by the proffering of the jacket. He might even promptly run it over to a tailor to have it altered to fit him.

And then one day you might learn, in this hypothetical situation I'm spinning for you, that he would like to wear it.

For. Your. Wedding.

Feel free to click on the picture for a very large version. And bear in mind that this fiancé you're hypotheticizing? Is ginormous, with big, broad shoulders.

And so this shiny gold jacket? Could be larger than your average 10-year old. The overall effect might be a little like King Midas's vault. On legs.

If this were actually the case in your life, would you lose your shit?

Hypothetically speaking. Of course.


  1. Maybe a compromise. He could wear it after the festivities when you are leaving. Like a man's version of the "going away" outfit. If it were me, I could look back at pictures of that and laugh. Pictures of him in it during the ceremony would make me cry.

  2. He can wear it, as long as you get to dress up like FemBot. On second thought, that might just encourage him. But you would get to wear knee-high leather boots, so tehre's that.

    Alternatively, if he can grow and maintain, naturally, a two-foot afro. Then it might be worth it.

  3. Hypothetically speaking, I'd have to hire a plastic surgeon to (1) locate my eyebrows, probably somewhere around the crown of my head, and place them back above my eyes, then (2) restore my vocal cords to their regular, non-squeaky pitch.

    Then, I would drink a bathtub full of gin, and just stop worrying. Hypothetically speaking. :o)

  4. wow. just wow.
    or maybe yikes is more appropriate

    maybe it can be a reception only jacket? i mean it screams "party"... or something

  5. What does the inside of the jacket look like? If the outside could become the inside and the inside (now the outside) looked like a sharp tux could work. Hypothetically?

  6. Dude. Just ... dude.

    I went through this a few months ago. My fiance was wearing a black suite with an ivory tie for the wedding. He went out and purchased ivory-coloured suede loafers to wear. I lost my shit repeatedly, which only made him more adament that he was wearing the damn loafers.
    Finally I told him that I would be sad every time I looked at our wedding photos. I'm not proud of the guilt trip but it totally worked.

  7. My fiancee as you know, is also named nick, and he would also do such a thing. He saw a paisley velour jacket at a store once and I had to restrain him from buying it. Maybe it's the name?

  8. Oh Lisa...I am almost crying at my desk, trying to suppress the laughter. Sorry Nick, but...holy cow!!! Do you suppose you could talk him into wearing it for his bachelor party, assuming there is one? You wouldn't have a thing to worry about, if he wore it out that night... What do his friends think?

  9. Hypothetial Compromise - he wears the dinner jacket to the Rehearsal Dinner.

    Hypothetical Disclosure - I own a couple of dinner jackets though none that could be used in the event that I need to change a tire on a darkened highway.

  10. Totally lose my shit. I had a very casual wedding, just family, and I still made my own dress and shawl and tailored my then fiance's jacket. If he even got the idea that he was picking out what he was wearing on MY wedding day and it was something gold and paisley, well... let's just not go there.

  11. Amisare - That is actually a very good suggestion. End of the night would be OK. Ceremony pictures will make me cry.

    WiB - Nooo! I don't wanna be a FemBot! I just want a normal looking wedding!

    Jessica - Hahahahaha! The surgical relocation of eyebrows! Yes. Bathtub full of gin.

    notsojenny - I know, I know. It screams party...or something.

    HKW - Ha - good suggestion and very nice try!!!

    Hillary - Very dude. I feel you on the ivory suede loafers, too. I think this is what it comes down to, though. I don't want to look at our wedding photos and be all, why did you have to wear that hideous gold jacket?

    Jo - Sigh. Maybe you are right. It's the name.

    Susan - I know, holy cow is the best way to put it. His friends have not seen it. His father loves it; his mother hates it. And my dad suggested he wear it to a costume party.

    Restaurant Refugee - Yah, I suggested that, but he thinks it's too dressy.

    Hahaha! I have been relegating things I don't like to his office, but perhaps the dinner jacket could stay in the car trunk in case of late-night tire changing?

    Jo - Gold and paisley. I know. Just so not OK.

  12. My shit would have been lost immediatly. I mean Paisley is one of those things that is good in moderation, like as a scarf, not as a full article of clothing.

    I would just tell him that if he plans on having a wedding at all, the jacket must go. But I am on board with the whole wear it to the reception thing, that would make for fun pics to go along with the "official" pics.

    Is Disco Stu on his list of wedding guests?

  13. Haha... that's an awesome jacket. Not something to get married in, but for the rehearsal dinner, or bachelor party, or maybe sometime after the formalities of the reception are done with. But really, it is quite awesome.

  14. Oh dear. Can you blame it on the color blindness?
    Nick- if you are reading this- just see this as a thing you're giving up in the name of LOVE!

  15. Wow! Definitely a bachelor party or rehearsal dinner item. If he wore that to the wedding, you two would have to move into the Playboy Mansion afterwards . . .

  16. I don't hate it, is that wrong? Where else but your own wedding could you ever wear such a thing?

  17. To be honest, I really like it in some ways. Very retro, smoking jacket, "who da' pimp?" style. But for your wedding?? Don't think so. And tell him this comes from a woman who got married on Halloween in a costume ceremony (still tasteful, though.)

  18. he's buttering you up for some other sort of compromise. mark my words.

  19. compromise- he can bring it out when he gets good and drunk at the reception. or when you get good and drunk.

    honey, you can't make this shit up if you tried!!!

  20. Kenya - Yes, paisley and gold - both in moderation. Hahahaha! No, we forgot to invite Disco Stu! Yes, fun pics would be cool.

    VVK - It is awesome in many ways. Totally enouraging him to enjoy it on other occasions. :)

    Mary - I have been wondering if the color blindness figures in! He loves really strongly colored things, and I think that's why. He will definitely be reading these, I assure you.

    LJ - I know. It's so Hugh Hefner, isn't it?

    Maiden Metallurgist - I don't hate it as a concept, and you make a good point, where but your own wedding? Maybe we will break it out late in the evening.

    J - Yes, many fun things about it...just not for this particular occasion. And awesome - a Halloween costume ceremony? Fun!

    Anonymous - Um...This makes me nervous.

    MrsMac - I think I could be OK with it once I get good and drunk. Good suggestion!

    As for not making this shit up - I know. I don't even embellish very much, ever. This is just how my life is.

  21. For all that is GOOD AND HOLY. Seriously?! No.

    Would you like em to talk to him? I am kinda scary sometimes.

  22. Hahaha - I am going to start saying "for all that is good and holy..." if you don't mind. Awesome. No, it'll be OK, but I appreciate the offer.

  23. No F-ing Way this is anything but a hypothetical situation. Right? Tell me I'm right. If, perhaps this isn't hypothetical, maybe it could serve as a funny joke at the rehearsal dinner, or maybe at the reception? Maybe it could be in one or two photos? As a joke? But definitely NOT in the wedding. Nope. Can't be done. Unless you live in India. Or are having an Indian ceremony.

  24. My shit would most definitely be lost, I can completely and non-hypothetically assure you.

    Maybe you could offer a compromise: He wears the jacket, but only while still in the closet, and you marry him? Or maybe to a bachelor party but not the wedding? It does sort of scream "rich man's smoking jacket" in some garish ways.

    Or what if it got destroyed in some horrific and spectacular and completely random accident? I sure I could arrange one so that you'd be completely blameless. Hypothetically, of course. ;)

  25. Just no.

    Tell Nick I said No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

    he'll thank me later when your kids look at your wedding photos and ask,

    "Daddy, when you married Mommy, were you a pimp?"

  26. erm, rather that they won't be asking that, They absolutely WOULD ask that question if he wore that jacket.

  27. This screams bachelor party outfit to me.

  28. Reception only.

    That was my first thought upon seeing this jacket.

    Because if my hypothetical husband-to-be said he wanted to wear something like this for the wedding, I would definitely lose it.

  29. I think it would be cool as a cummerbund or a vest...

  30. I agree with aimee!

  31. yes, my shit would be lost... Wow...
    And I got twitchy because my hubby wanted to wear flip flops down the aisle. (we compromised -tux shoes for ceremony, flip flops for reception. Something tells me that compromise won't work here.)

  32. you know where he would really like this?

    In his office with his duck prints!

  33. CC - I wish! I'd think this were hilarious if it were happening to someone else! No, definitely not for the ceremony. Or even much of the reception.

    Sarah - Hahaha - I will suggest that he wear it in the closet only. I don't mind that it exists, and I'm happy for him to wear it to other events - perhaps even momentous family occasions (HIS family). Just not OUR wedding.

    Slightly Disorganized - I passed along your words, and he wound up forwarding them to several people in his office, to whom he'd sent the picture, all, Lisa is opposed - can you believe it? So you know, I think you are so totally right - it would look fantastic in the office with the duck prints!!!!

    lacochran - Yah, I know, but he's not having one. It would be so perfect, particularly if he were going to Vegas or something.

    BrownEyedGirlie - I think a little bit of the end of the night at the reception would be just fine.

    Aimee and Anonymous - It would definitely be very pretty as either of those...and is definitely not being cut up. We've discussed. :)

    E - Flip flops down the aisle, unless on a beach, would definitely upset me. I think we can compromise here, just not quite as much as you did. Maybe very end of the night he can don it. Not for all the candid reception pics - only a few.

  34. I think you should let him wear it, as it is a really nice jacket. And I think you loyal readers should probably support Nick on this one. But that's just my opinion.

  35. hahahahahaahaha. oh my god. I cannot stop giggling. I must admit that the sheer giant swath of shiny he would create in this would distract from the size of my own ass being shown to the congregated guests from up there beside you guys. Wait? Oh right! Not about me! Okay. Back to the jacket. I say YES! It's perfect for one part of the special day-- for dancing to Barry White songs when we are wildly drunk at the reception. I would even suggest he make a special entrance in it (say at 11 pm), clearing the dance floor as he sings "My First, My Last, My Everything!"

  36. Oh, um, wow. Wow. Isn't there a handkerchief, cummerbund or vest kind of compromise that will work here?

    If nothing else, the pictures will be overwhelmed by the busy pattern, and um, the gold.

    Can you take the whole "nothing should detract that much attention from the bride" route?

    Good luck and godspeed.

    Oh, damn. Just damn.

  37. This jacket is awesome. Want to borrow.

  38. That jacket demands glamour.

    Incorporate a smoking area into the festivities and insist that men wear smoking jackets and ladies have cigarettes in cigarette holders and wear arms length gloves.

  39. Wow. That is some jacket. Wow.

    How important is it to the father in this hypothetical world for the hypothetical Nick to wear said hypothetical golden treasure?

    Is there a DJ at the rehearsal or reception? Could he wear the imaginary jacket?

    I feel for you. Hypothetically, of course.

  40. Oh my! I'm not sure what to say!

    I am so glad your blog found me. Love love love it! I have, over the past few days been reading it from the beginning - I plan to read it from cover to cover, so to speak. I'm up to September 2007 - 1 year to go. Yay! Thanks for the great read!

  41. PS - you life is so very exotic compared to mine!

  42. oh wow.

    hypothetically... no no no no no! I like what someone wrote earlier about compromising with a handkerchief or something. All of that would be way too much to handle.

  43. I'm obviously in the minority, but I actually kind of love it. Usually the groom looks so boring at a wedding, but not this time!!

  44. Oh dear, there is no way I would let my fiance wear that on our wedding day.

    If the jacket must be worn, have him wear it, as some commentors have suggested, at some point during the reception when everyone is nice and tipsy. It will make for great photos...just not during the ceremony!

  45. That seersucker is looking pretty darn good now, ain't it?

    You should auction off tickets to this wedding. I'm sure many would pay a mint to sit ringside, myself included.

  46. yes yes yes!!! I love it! Sean wore a kilt and I had a supertight red corset dress. Who cares what others think, if it's what he likes, then it shouldn't bother you.

  47. Late, per usual...but please, please, please tell me you'll let him wear it. At least to dinner? This is a jacket meant to be appreciated! Perhaps not in wedding photos, but I think it calls out to be worn!

  48. I think it's gorgeous!


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