For the vast the majority of my sex-having years - until, in fact, veryvery recently - all of my efforts were always aimed at not getting knocked up. Well, that and avoiding the STDs.
And I should warn people - if so far this post seems like it will make you twitch, you probably want to stop reading here.
At a very young age, I could discuss the merits and drawbacks of various contraceptives. Condoms - a barrier method - were of course the best, because they protected you not only from pregnancy but also from disease.
I knew all about the importance of family planning and disease prevention and nothing about sex.
And then somewhere along the way I learned about sex. And then eventually started having it. And from minute one was incredibly anal about birth control.
Not in the Catholic schoolgirl way that sounds. I mean careful.
So after all those years spent trying not to get pregnant, suddenly I realized that I knew nothing about getting pregnant.
Unless you go Googling, which I didn't till recently, you don't know. It's not like you grow up with your mom telling you the optimal positions for conception or anything. It's all been contraception.
So the first few times that we were in whee! let's make a baby! mode, as soon as all was said and done, I immediately curled up on my back, hugging my knees to my chest. You know, to help all those baby missiles swim forward or whatever.
After the third time I did this, Nick looked at me and said, "Is that what you're supposed to do? Or is it because Maude did that in The Big Lebowski?"
I blushed. "Oh Nick, it's straight from the Big Lebowski."
In my defense, The Dude abides, you know?