The Comcast douchemonkeys: a rant in one part

So, I know cable is not critical in anyone's life. Also, I fucking hate Comcast.

And Dad, if you're considering emailing me to tell me I complain too much, I'm just going to invite you to imagine where along the nature/nurture path I might have gotten it from. The answer is: not Betty. As for all the profanity and possible typos - for those I take full responsibility.

When I lived alone, I didn't even have a TV, let alone cable. I just didn't watch enough to make it worth giving up the space in my tiny place. And then I met Nick and he had cable and TiVo and it's not the reason I fell in love with him so fast, but it sure didn't hurt. It was like magic!

Anyway. His TiVo was extremely old and was being persnickity and totally arbitrary in what it chose to record, and so we got a new one. But it needs a special card to work with the cable.

Being super-organized, he'd already called Comcast, and they said, "Sure! Come on over to the Comcast store! Drop off your cable box! The people at the store will give you the card to make it work with your cable!"

So easy, no?

No.

The people at the Comcast store told us, after we'd waited in a longlong line, that they don't have those cards. You have to schedule someone. So we scheduled someone.

We went home early on Friday, and sat at home all night. For the fucktard who never showed up. Nick called Comcast repeatedly, only to be apoligized to profusely, and told that they guy was running late. And another call, still running late. At no point did they say, "Just give up, he's never going to come."

Late in the evening, Nick finally said he wanted to schedule someone else. Who was to arrive between 6 and 9 am yesterday morning.

At 7:30 am, the doorbell rang. Yay! They actually kept their word!

He was at the house for like five minutes, put the card in, and told Nick to run through the install, and then he'd be set. And he was on his merry way. Presumably to go hang out at Starbucks and blow off his subsequent appointments.

So last night we were all, "We can watch Dexter! And Big Love! And the Project Runway special! We'll never have to converse in the evening again!"

And we turned on the TV! To a grey screen. And Nick kind of lost his shit.

Because, it turns out, the douchemonkey was supposed to wait through the install, do something at the end, and then call fucking Comcast to finalize it. This is what they said when Nick called.

Once infuriated, Nick gets pretty funny, in a way. He keeps an even tone with the people on the phone and tells them he realizes that they are stuck apologizing for idiots who don't do their jobs. But he makes these ridiculous statements.

"The first clown didn't even bother to show up. The second guy sticks the card in the machine, lies to me, and then bolts. What's the next guy going to do? Pee on my rug?"

They assured him that there was no way the next clown would pee on his rug.

And, "This is the fourth time I'm having to deal with this one tiny thing. I'd rather be raped than go through this again with the idiots that your company seems to employ."

They apologized again for his terrible experience. They responded not at all to the rape preference.

When they asked if he could be home during the day he replied, "No, sir, I cannot. Like you, I have a job. I'm working to pay for the service that you are not providing."

They certainly understood.

What kills me is this. In pretty much any other industry, you'd get a month off your service, or someone sent out immediately, or something to make you feel better about all the fucktardery. However, they're our only option. So they know they don't have to bother

Comcast is all, "Yeah, we're sorry. So can you be home next Tuesday between 10 am and 3 pm so we can blow you off?"

I find it so surprising that some bitter customer hasn't gone postal in one of their stores. Or bludgeoned one of the technicians with a TiVo box as he unsuspectingly steps out of the van.

It's not the lack of cable. It's being repeatedly lied to that's so galling.

What is wrong with these douchemonkeys?

/RANT