Monday, December 08, 2008

Five minutes can be a very, very long time

So, I don't know if you've ever used those ovulation predictor sticks.

Some of you have; you're the ones who told me about them. But for those of you still having sex for fun, let me tell you.

First of all, we bought this package of 20. They come in this big resealable purple bag. You pee on the end of the stick for five seconds, then you wait five minutes. When your luteinizing hormone (a term I just learned) goes up, a second line appears.

This means you are getting ready to ovulate. Which of course is when the magic can happen.

The instructions say to pull a stick out, and then reseal the bag as quickly as possible. And approximately 2:00 pm is the time they recommend testing.

Practically speaking, this is what these instructions have begun to mean in my life.

They mean carrying the whole bag of 20 sticks to the bathroom daily. Actually, it diminishes by one stick every day. So 20 the first day, 19 the next, etc. The only cosmetic case I have that's big enough for the damn bag-o-sticks is leopard-print vinyl. It's not exactly subtle.

The awkwardness, though, is in the bathroom. Because who cares if people think I have a shitload of makeup to reapply in the afternoon?

I pick the last stall, if available. I put the paper down on the seat, unzip the makeup case - ZZZZZZP, open the plastic bag - CRINKLE, pull out one stick, and reseal the bag as quickly as possible. CRINKLE again.

And I know I don't have the best time with this kind of thing, but the peeing on the stick is not as easy as it seems. My pee isn't always pointing the same way. It shifts. Sometimes it's hard to get that stick in the right place.

Or maybe I am just urinarily challenged.

Anyway, so you pee for five seconds: one-one thousand, two-one thousand. . .And then - and this is the hard part - then you have to just sit there.

On the toilet. For five minutes.

Doing nothing but holding your leopard-print bag and looking at your stick.

Because - and believe me, I have contemplated it - you cannot carry a plastic stick on which you have urinated back to your cube. You simply can't.

I thought about wrapping it in toilet paper putting it in my bag, but you're suppose to keep it flat, so you'd have to carry it between your fingers, out in the open. With the possibility of drips.

No. Just, no.

So the waiting.

One afternoon, all four stalls filled up, and I heard the voices of a couple people I'm friends with. "Wow! When is there ever a line in here?"

There isn't.

And I was thinking, oh, they're going to recognize my shoes!

I wanted to be all "I'm not pooing! I'm just waiting for a pink line!"

Do you know how long five minutes can last?


  1. :) Funny.

    Whenever I have to give a urine sample at the doctor's office I wind up peeing on my hand as well as in the cup.


  2. one word: spinbarkeit. it just takes a second, and it's free!!

  3. hmmm... Peeing on things is a lot easier if your a guy. :-P

  4. Aw, I'm so excited and hopeful for this next part of your life.

  5. lacochran - I find it impossible not to. It's difficult!

    LJ - Yah. I've read about it but I find it confusing (dry? stretchy? egg whitey?) and haven't quite figured out which is which yet.

    VVK - You are not kidding, my friend.

    Nicole - Thank you, lovey.:)

  6. I am a shoe-peeker.

    Our office is small, so I always know.

  7. 5 minutes is a long time! The pee stick doesn't come with a plastic cap? That would be easier to, er, travel with to the waiting location. Even babies come with caps!

  8. Have you tried one of those basal thermometers? I'm not sure how well they work versus what you're using, but you take your temp first thing in the morning--could definitely be less unnerving than what you're doing now. Good luck getting preggers!

  9. Um, yeah...5 minutes is a long time when you are peeing on a stick for another reason to. In my case, what could have been a bad, bad reason.

    On the upside, I have learned that true friendship is your best friend holding your hand as you stare at a piss soaked stick, both praying for it to say "no".

  10. oh my gosh... work bathrooms make everything so awful. i brush my teeth in there 2-3x a day and i feel so bad for the people that walk in and see me at the sink. they assume i'm about to leave and i hear them sit down and wait. i guess they're waiting for me to leave before they do their business but instead i begin my brushing process. at some point they give up and i'm still there at the sink when they leave which is about the time they give me some awfully funny looks.

    so if the stick comes up with a 2nd line do you take off to hubby's office?

  11. But TMI Thursdays isn't for another three days.

  12. oh my, five minutes would be a lifetime in that scenario!!! i second temping, another thing to obsess over and it doesn't take as long :-)

  13. saratogajean - There are lots of shoe-peekers in the world! People always know!

    HKW - No, no cap, at least not that I've seen. Would definitely be easier to travel. I don't think they anticipate you being all antsy in your chosen location.

    Kate - No, not yet. I've read about them. I suck at charting, though I should probably improve. Thank you!

    Lemmonex - THAT would be an eternal, stressful 5 minutes. And yes, true friendship.

    notsojenny - Argh! I hate when I am that person in the stall waiting for the toothbrusher to leave! It makes me all stressed.

    Apparently you have a 24-36 hour window, or some such amount of time.

    Arjewtino - One day of TMI per week is just not enough for me. But let me think on Thursday...

    mrsmac - Eternal. Maybe I will try the temp business next.

  14. Oh no! That waiting is awful, especially if all you have to do is sit and think and look at the stick.

    On the other hand, I can't wait until we're talking about how long 40 weeks is to wait! ;-)

  15. Just so you know, urination loomed large in that post, too.

  16. Oh, I'm so excited for you! But you didn't say if the pink line appeared, giving you the green light, so to speak, to start trying.

    And oh, when you do get pregnant, please, please post pictures of your bump so I can live vicariously.

  17. hey,

    i, too, am trying with the hubs to get pregnant, and i just read this book which was really interesting... it's called "taking charge of your fertility" and though i already knew a fair amount of what was in it, i did learn some stuff. the charting seems good and i have been following it for a few weeks now. i highly recommend it....good luck!!!

    love your blog, by the way - you have provided me with endless hours of entertainment...)

  18. Tuck one stick into your sleeve, take it to the bathroom, pee on it, and then tuck it back in (doesn't the pee end come with a cap? if not, cover with TP) and return to your desk. I can't tell you how many times I did that with pregnancy tests or ovulation sticks when I worked in an office.

  19. Yes, it's officially forever when you know there are people recognizing your shoes! BUT, trust me, it's totally worth it. I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter to prove it!

  20. when I know I'm going to be in the bathroom for a long time I always bring my phone and play Tetris or text people. You could put the stick in your lap on a paper towel, set the alarm on your phone for 5 minutes and then amuse yourself with a a quick game of Tetris.


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