Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Because I can't not

I know this is precisely what I've been asked not to do, and I also know that at some point I will exhaust your patience. But.

My dad should be in surgery right now to have a Pacemaker put in. Four heart doctors discussed this with him this morning and he agreed. And then they called us.

This would be a great solution, and as long as everything works out, it will be a relief.

But me, I feel like such an asshole. I was so angry with him yesterday. And what if that turns out to be the last time I ever talk to him?

I know these are routine, and people get them all the time, and INOVA has good heart doctors, and odds are that in a couple hours we'll be told it went well. And this afternoon, we'll go over for a visit.

But still, I feel so guilty. Most of the time, except when I really really can't help it, I try to put good things out into the world. I don't leave things on angry notes. I talk to my loved ones the very last minute before they or I fly. I have to tell them I love them one last time.

I realize the flying is a whole nother issue.

But it all ties together. Especially if it's the last time, I want it to be loving, I want it to be kind.


  1. I'm like that, too, Lisa. I hope that all goes well. I think it will, because you have us! the internet good-thoughts brigade! on your side. Thanks for keeping us posted (for as long as you feel comfortable, of course).

  2. It won't be the last time you speak to your dad. Period.

  3. Oh, Lisa. Your dad knows you love him. And even when you're angry with him, you love him. It doesn't have to be explicitly stated, every time.

    And you can tell him that when you see him this afternoon.


  4. You'll talk to your father and remind him you love him soon. Don't feel guilty, there is so much going on, you're only human to go through what you're going through.

    Best to you and yours.

  5. I am with DT...your dad knows. he really does.

    You are incredibly brave and strong and please do not forget this.

  6. Just seconding (sixth-ing?) the others; even if you don't say it out loud, the "I love you" is in parentheses. That's just how it works.

    Continuing the continuing of good vibes and hugs. :)

  7. if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be so angry with him. he's a parent, he understands these emotions well.

    I understand the need to be kind though. sometimes, despite knowing the other person knows you love them, it still isn't as important or good enough as saying and showing it.

  8. I know exactly how you feel about not leaving things on a bad note. I've been flying almost non-stop the past few months and the what-ifs are unbearable.

    You have to ease up on yourself a little bit. Your Dad knows that you love him- if you didn't, you wouldn't be angry to begin with.

    The guilt complex thing is such a hard issue to tackle, especially when it's with your parents. Just know that you're a wonderful person and you're doing the very best you can. You can't ask anymore of yourself than that.

  9. One indication of real love is the ability for it to be seen through all of things - including anger. Essentially - what everyone else said, yeah that.

    Keeping a good thought for you and your dad.

  10. I agree. He knows. And, as Dag said, you can tell him when you see him later today - which you will. I'm joining the masses and am sending out every positive thought that I can muster for you and yours. It will be okay, hon. Hang in.

  11. good thoughts, hon. and you have nothing to feel guilty about . . .

  12. I know how easy it is to feel guilty about this kind of thing, but you love him more than you could ever be angry with him and I'm certain that he knows that. He always will.

  13. I feel for you - it's hard not knowing when a loved one goes into surgery. I'm glad your Dad is in good hands and hope everything goes well. Your visit with him will be here in no time.

  14. I hope that your Dad's surgery goes well and the Pacemarker works well for him.

    Like others have said, he knows you love him despite being angry and scared and tired and letting all of that show yesterday. He's a dad - think about how many times when you were younger you must have done something that made him angry, scared and/or tired but, I bet that even if his words were angry you knew that was not the sentiment his heart held for you.

  15. Just a little bit longer, and you'll see him again, and you can tell him that you love him. Pacemakers are very common and he'll fly through surgery just fine. Have faith - your dad has made it through so much already, this is just one more little obstacle.

  16. of course. totally normal to feel that way, i think everyone does.

    plus, i think you can't discount throughout all of this that you are about to create a new life. that gives everything a really new significance. it's life changing for you, it makes you realize what really matters and takes you out of a lot of the day-to-day bullshit that usually occupies most of a person's brain space, and forces you to think and feel deeply about family and love and life.

    going through all these emotions with your dad when at the same time you also have this going on already due to the pregnancy just amplifies the feelings you would ordinarily and normally feel.

    and that's not to mention the hormones ;)

    so just remember emotions are messy. they are not hallmark cards, they are jumbles of feelings that don't come out like you want them to in the movie you're playing in your head, and that's ok.

    your dad can't NOT know you love him. the fact things are emotionally messy right now does nothing to change a lifetime of love.

  17. Like everyone else has already said, your dad knows you love him. Your anger is born of love - you wouldn't have been so mad if you didn't care, right? Don't fret. You'll see him this afternoon, and be able to tell him how much you love him.

  18. i do the same things, my last words to my loved ones are always "i love you" now. although everyone says "live each day like it's your last" it's impossible to do so. and your instincts are definitely from a good place. because i can't remember what my last words were to my dad but i'm sure they were not good. it's hard to live with things like that but you also have to know that they just know. in our family there's alot of tough love, alot of heated words, but even the angry ones are because we care. and whether we're mad about what they've made us feel or what they're doing to themselves, they know it's because we love them.
    he knows, you know he knows. but i understand your feelings of "shouldn't have"

  19. There's no way it was the last time. Can't wait to hear what your FIRST words were to him when he wakes up.

    *Crosses arms defiantly*

  20. I hope that your Dad's surgery goes as planned and the Pacemarker works for him.

    We all say things we shouldn't when stressed - your dad knows this, you know this, all will be well.

    In the meantime here's a tissue - I know you'll burst into tears when you hear the surgery went fine and you can visit soon.

  21. more hugs to you. my mom has a pacemaker too. the surgery went well and now we make fun of her for being the bionic woman. hoping you get the same good news soon and can joe with your dad about being part robot :-)

  22. You all were totally right. It went smoothly and now he's in recovery. In a very nice heart hospital room.

    mysterygirl! - You are awesome! Thank you so much for being part of the the internet good-thoughts brigade! :)

    Hillary - You were right, completely right. Phew.

    Dagny - Lots of love to you, continuously and always.

    Girl With Curious Hair - It is human and so normal...and still, I feel like I should be bigger than that.

    Lemmonex - Thank you. That feels so good to hear from you.

    Brian - Thank you for sixthing. :) And for the good vibes and hugs.

    Jenn - We say it and say it and say it in my family, and I can't bear the idea of having left things without. Even with the understanding, it's just something I want to be the last thing out there.

    Teeny - Ah, you know what I'm talking about with the planes. And the guilt is so damn hard. Thank you for the kind words.

    refugee - Thank you for the good thoughts through this.

    FreckledK - Oh, hugs my friend. Thanks so much for the good vibes.

    LJ - Ah, thanks. Having grown up with a Catholic father, the guilt comes fast and easy. I do it to myself.

    Jo - If he doesn't realize that in the moment or soon, he does know it in the grander scheme of things.

    HKW - Thank you. Big hugs to you.

    Jessica - Yah, he is my dad, and there's a lifetime behind this. And he and I express anger towards each other pretty readily, it's true.

    Susan - That's a good point. In the scheme, this is small. And very routine.

    xuxE - You are right, so right. Emotions are messy, life is messy, and all of this is MORE - more emotional, more exhausting, more up and down right now. And I am much more focused on what and who matter most, and letting the extraneous stuff take a back seat.

    Luna - It is true - more love, more anger. And yes, that's exactly what I did this afternoon.

    notsojenny - I totally understand what you're saying, and I appreciate you sharing it.

    LiLu - He's very groggy and out of it but I told him I love him and he said the same back. And that was pretty much it, but that's enough.

    Rio - You were right. Thanks for the tissue. :)

    mrsmac - Thank you for the smile. Now I'm going to joe rather than joke, and I will totally joe with him about being part robot. :)

  23. Ah! So relieved! Thank you for the update! (((hugs)))

  24. You are kind, but I also think you have a right to your anger. Your dad knows you love him, regardless of what either of you say.


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