Sunday waiting

I don't have a big update but I feel like so many of you are so kindly checking in, and I don't want to just leave you wondering.

My dad is still unconscious, but now breathing on his own in the times that they've turned off the ventilator to see. If it continues to go well, they'll take out the breathing tube. Fingers crossed.

Also, they have now stopped the medication to raise his blood pressure and heart rate. If that continues strong, then they'll take the tube out of his leg. Which would be good, as that minimizes infection risk.

And now we wait for him to wake up. In some ways, this part is harder, and in some ways easier. It's the worst thing wondering if someone you love will live or die. You sit there, holding their hand, staring at the fucking monitor, willing those numbers to go up.

You see the heart rate drop, and you say, "Ahh, we're not going into the 40s. We like the 50s better. Come on Dad! Let's go back up into the 50s."

When the numbers slide and slide, and the nurses come in and pump in more meds, you hold your breath until the numbers go up.

Every beep has you jump.

And it sucks. It sucks so tremendously.

But once you are past the touch and go, and you are into it seems like he's going to make it territory, the breathing is easier.

However.

I believe at this point he will wake up, and if history is any guide, he will wake up ashamed and agitated and angry, so angry. The anger is hard.

And then, as things improve, he'll eventually ask if we've told people. And then he'll ask me if I've written about it.

And when I say yes, he'll be really upset.

But the truth is, I need this. I need to let it all out, and I need the support and the kindness. All this loving, caring kindness - much of it from complete strangers - is like a soft pillow. A warm blanket. A big hug.

I don't even care if I sound cheesy. It's true.

And honestly, without the blogging, is there any way I could have gotten so many people to put their thoughts and prayers out into the universe for him? Absolutely not.

And when you are at the point of begging, pleading, making bargains with God, you will do anything for some extra help for someone you love.

So once again I want to express my gratitude to all of you.

I just can't thank you enough. I really believe all those thoughts and prayers go somewhere good, and they make an extraordinary difference.

Big hugs to all of you.