Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Taking stuff down

I've got to take down all the posts from the last several days.

For some reason, now that he's lucid, whether or not I am blogging about this is number one on my dad's concern list. Because of course there aren't larger things to worry about.

Like keeping your heart rate stable. And walking. And swallowing. For example.

But, of course, it's only his story to tell.

Because, of course, it only happened to him.

In any case, it seems like the right thing to do to assuage his fears. It's not like he doesn't have enough to contend with.

So, I won't blog about this right now. But I'm glad I did.

And I'm going to tell you that if you want to piss your daughter the fuck off, your first actual, whole, out loud sentence to her should be that you don't want her to tell your life story to strangers. And then you should tell her how to deal with the real estate market.

Clearly we're feeling better and ready to boss.

But enough about that.

Thanks for all your support . It's meant so much to me, and really, really helped get me through this. And my dad, though he doesn't know it.

I might even delete this a day or so. Anyway, sometime safely before my dad gets his hands on an Internet connection. I haven't quite decided. And probably don't need to decide in an angry moment.

Big, big hugs and all of my gratitude to all of you. You're the most amazing support group I could ask for.


  1. Glad to hear that your Dad is improving; sorry to hear that he is not understanding of your need to process by writing about your experience as a co-victim of his depression.

    I hope he continues to improve, both his phsyical and mental health.

  2. Well, he's better! That's good!

    He's focusing on something that's easy. Something he can go after so he doesn't have to really deal. (But I know you already knew that.)

    Hang in there! And (I'm sure you know this too) make sure to protect yourself [I mean emotionally/psychologically]. God bless. I pray he can heal and so can you and Betty and Nick. {{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}

  3. I'm glad it made you feel better to write about it, to let it out. And of course it's your story, too. I hope he continues to improve, though maybe with less bossiness.

    Maybe just password the posts? So still feel that you've put it out there, and can see the support in the comments if you need them?

    Keep moving forward. *hugs*

  4. This is something that weighs on your heart, and you have every right to tell that story. But there is some wisdom in picking your battles, right?

    In any case, I'm glad your dad is doing better, at least well enough to boss you around!

    Much love!

  5. Well that's wonderful news that he's feeling well enough to grouse at you about telling his story. But thank you again for continuing to tell your story, even if you do need to support him by closing the book's cover for a time. And, more positive energy for you both to heal from this.

  6. Jessica - Thank you, sweetie. And that's a good way to put it - "co-victim of his depression."

    Cheryl S - You are completely right, and it's something I lost sight of in my moment of anger. I need to work on learning to protect myself. Nick does a good job for me, but I need to be able to do it too.

    Sarah - I don't know if I can do that in Blogger?? I don't want to password my whole blog - I find that I never visit the protected blogs, even if I like them, because it's extra layers of hassle. I occasionally think about moving to a whole new blog and not telling my parents about it, but the fact is, I like LG, and Betty loves to be involved, and I like that she is.

    Jo - I believe I have every right, and honestly, worrying about what people who will never, ever meet him think is just so stupid. The people who actually know him know all about it. But it does seem silly to add to his anxiety, which must be high, no matter what he is verbally focusing on.

    Cheryl - Thank you. I really, realy appreciate it.

  7. i'm with fearless in T. i have no idea what you're talking about . . .

  8. Ooh, it definitely sounds as if he's getting better! Big, big hugs to you, too!

  9. So glad that he's doing better. Now I mostly just hope that he *feels* better. Depression is a bitch. I deal with it plenty myself now and can't/don't want to imagine dealing with it still when I'm in my 60s or 70s.

    As far as the posts, just go into the edit posts portion of blogger and save them as drafts. It'll unpublish it until you decide to publish again (or never but will at least remain for your eyes only to review).

  10. Lisa, The most important thing was already said: Help. And it felt good to help, just by praying in all the ways that your readers do(was neat to see that you attract Agnostics, and how much we all think alike in that regard, And especially how those prayers worked!!) I think your friends and followers will continue to pray and keep your dads battle in mind and heart. And we always have your e-mail address to write if we really need to? Peace to you Lisa and to your mom and most especially for your dad.
    Lynn in ND

  11. Glad things are improving, even if the return to the status quo means the return of normal father-daughter conflict. xoxo

  12. "Ladies and gentlemen; Elephant has left the building."
    Elephant? Do you see an elephant? Has anybody seen an elephant? I don't see an elephant!

    I'm glad you got the chance to let it all blog out when you really needed to. You've found a way to process, that works for you, (not to mention us readers) but on this one issue, it seems you are an emotional hostage. Totally respect your choice. But if you feel a real strong need again, then I urge you to follow it. Because your own well being is as important as all the other of your family members.

    My heart goes out to your poor ol' dad. I hope he will be able to understand at some point, that this has always been as hard for you guys as it is for him.

    Prayers for you all are emanating from my little corner of the universe.Blessed Be.

  13. Lisa,
    What Jo said.
    Everyone here is so eloquent!
    Now heading outside for a little rare April sunshine.

  14. So glad he's well enough to be a pain in the butt. Take care!

  15. Understood. And the improvement in his status is worth it.

  16. lisa- i wish i could type more right now (up feeding betti). just wanted to send you lots of hugs, i can't imagine how tough this has been for you. hoping bossiness is a good sign on the road to recovery!

  17. It sounds to me like he is embarrassed about his behavior- which, in this case, is a very good thing.

    Love to you and your family.

  18. I agree that it may be good that he is concerned about people reading about it. It shows that he cares...that's some kind of progress.

    Heart hugs to you and the family.

  19. Wonderful to hear that he is doing better! And you are a wonderful daughter to be so understanding of his feelings about this being his story right now! Hugs to you!!

  20. Fearless and LJ - Selective amnesia is among my favorite qualities in people.:) Hugs hugs to you.

    Kate - Thank you so much!

    Amanda - It is a bitch, and I am right there with you.

    And that's exactly what I did with them. I'm not deleting them ever - I want to be able to reread them.

    Lynn - I can't even tell you how much knowing that so many people were pulling for us - in a wide variety of ways - helped. It's a tremendous comfort. And of course - I love emailing with people who read. Thank you again for all your kindness.

    Wendy - Yah. It's not going to return to the same status quo this time, though. It's really not.

    fringedweller - Yup. One enormous elephant. You are right - I am an emotional hostage in this regard, and it makes me really, really resentful. But I'm trying to balance his needs and mine. And for the first time, mine will win out if my need feels greater - and thank you for the reminder of the importance of my own well being.

    A.S. - Everyone here is awesome. And I hope the April sunshine was good!

    Lynn - It is a good sign, that's for sure.

    Lisa - Agree, totally agree. And I know you understand me.

    mrsmac - Oh, take care of yourself and sweet new Betti! I haven't checked in on you recently, but I will! Hugs hugs!

    Brett - I think it is an indication of feeling bad about what he's done and not wanting others to know, for sure. Love to you, too.

    Kate - Yes, it's definitely some kind of progress. Heart hugs to you.:)

    Jules - I'm only semi-understanding, but I'm trying.

  21. what eloquent comments. I'm very happy to read that when it comes down to a crunch, you'll put yourself first. Amen. and the fact that your dad gave you real estate advice made me laugh. love you, soph

  22. Could have been worse. He could have started with real estate advice.

    Continued hugs and good vibes to you and the family.


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