Birthday platforms, foot binding and tapeworm

So ever since deciding to postpone induction, I've gotten a little more zen about being pregnant for the rest of my life.

Or at least for a whole nother week.

Yesterday I picked up a totally-on-sale-cheap-and-cute! top and pair of capris at Target to wear on Thursday for my birthday. When I am certain to still be pregnant.

I am going to look cute, dammit, and I'm going to go out and celebrate. I'm going to wear the platform shoes above, which I miss like crazy. Even if this means Nick has to carry me.

And seriously. Where is my palanquin? Why am I not being carried around?

I'm sure you're starting to wonder where this is going and what will actually be the point in all this?

I'm sitting around getting pregnanter and pregnanter, and my already stretched tummy, the one that could touch Russia, is getting even more distended.

So I started thinking about foot binding. And how tight binding might actually be a good strategy with the belly for holding it all in.

But I imagine that you'd have to start earlier than now, and what if you warped your kid? Like, he came out with rib indents in his thigh? Or worse, his forehead?

Worrisome.

Which then led me to tapeworm.

And let me make one thing clear: Normally I don't think of the kid as a parasite.

Or anyway, not lately.

I haven't thought of him in that way regularly since he got big enough to seem like an actual human in there. Rather than some small, unimaginable being that just made me feel like complete crap all the time.

So supposedly, if you have a tapeworm - which I have never had, but desperately, fucked-up-ly, wanted in high school, because how skinny would you be? - you can entice it out with milk. Like, you sit in a warm milk bath, and it gets all curious, and comes on out and drowns in the milk.

Or maybe you hold a glass of milk in front of your mouth and catch it.

A significantly more horrifying exit, in my opinion.

Sooooo.

This then led me to wondering what one might use to entice a baby out. They come out sort of discombobulated and not used to eating with their mouths, right?

So the milk bath would be pointless.

But maybe some fun music, played right outside your hoo-ha? Or shaking a rattle down there? Or Barney songs? Teletubbies?

???