Monday, August 17, 2009

In which I hate everything and even chocolate doesn't mitigate the bitter

Warning: this is a hugely long ranty hatey hate post. If you're having a great Monday or a short attention span, maybe skip this one.

I hate this year. I just hate it.

So far, it's been the hardest year of my life.

Not one fucking thing has been easy so far. Rather, every single thing has been as difficult as possible.

I said this to Nick the other day, and he agreed it's been difficult, but not the hardest.

And I was all thinking, oh fuck you Mr. Brightside.

But in actuality replied, "Yeah, well, when your dad dies, I'll check in on how you rate it."

My dad's death, while I don't think about it every minute, tints just about everything. I don't know if it would be different if it hadn't been suicide. I've thought about it, and I really don't know.

What I do know is that that doesn't help matters.

The beginning of the year wasn't easy, in that I was exhausted and dealing with all the newness of pregnancy.

And then the selling of Nick's place was fraught with back and forth bullshit, although in the end worked out OK.

And then my dad's suicide attempt in April was incredibly terrible. Although of course not as devastating as when he succeeded the following month.

That pretty much shot my world to hell, and I can't say I've gotten all that far in recovering.

I just forced myself to focus on other stuff. Which was made easier by the move to a new place and the impending baby.

And our new place, while amazing and oldoldold with oldoldold details and charm, turns out to have been repaired at every turn with bubble gum and band-aids. We knew about a lot of it. Just maybe not half of everything.

Thus, while delightful in many ways, this house is so needy. And I currently have no abilities or energy.

Currently, in fact, I am so needy. Which I also hate.

Which brings me to my nearly final of course this is so fucking hard because how could one goddamn fucking thing be easy this year?

My OB told me this morning that his mother-in-law passed away. The funeral is Friday.

Not to make this about me, but of course this is all about me. Friday is my induction date.

And since the little rat bastard shows no signs of arriving soon - and in fact seems to be all delightedly happy in there. . .I am scheduled to be massively, increasingly goddamn pregnant all the way to Friday.

Just to have some OB who is new to the practice. I'm on the wait list for Wednesday. Which would be another OB I've never met. But at least has been there a long time.

Maybe this doesn't even fucking matter. I don't know.

I told him I would be happy to be induced that very minute. Could they do it then and there? But they are booked all week.

When he said, "You're only a couple days past due, and Friday is not that far away!" I seriously wanted to reach across the desk and poke him in the eye. Veryvery hard.

Instead I said, sure, put me on the Wednesday wait list. I'll call tomorrow to see.

I managed to get out of the building before bursting into tears. I called Nick and sobbed and sobbed. If you saw a hugely pregnant woman wailing into a cell phone on 20th street this morning, that would've been me.

And then I called Betty, and said that I'm pretty sure this fucking kid is going to weigh 20 lbs by Friday.

As of today's measurements, he's 8 lbs 13 oz - give or take a pound and a half, they said.

I am trying not to resent him, because it's not his fault. But I am so big and tired and stretched and burny and I just hate all of it.

And because of how the rest of everything has gone this entire ass-sucking year, I currently have every expectation that I'll be in labor for like 30 fucking hours and wind up with a C-section.

I hate everything.

38 comments:

  1. Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry. I hate everything for you, too. Things will get better, I just know it. Big hug to you sweetheart.

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  2. This is why I insist on having a woman as an OB, and preferably one who has experienced childbirth. Because no one who has ever gone through a pregnancy would tell a woman 4 days past her due date -- in August in DC, for that matter -- that, "hey, only a couple more days! it's not so bad!" Fer fuck's sake.

    Fingers crossed that they can fit you in on Wednesday. As for the other stuff, I wish I could think of something to say that would make it better. But I can tell you that once this baby comes, he will provide one hell of a great distraction from the other things on your mind.

    Big hugs to you. xoxo

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  3. Your self-restraint is admirable, though I suspect you'd be doing a public service if you gave that OB a very good reason for never saying anything like that ever again.

    Hugs to you. And a steady supply of chocolate, just in case it *does* come in handy.

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  4. Oh Lisa, I'm sorry - this has been such a tough year for you. I'd cry too - you kind of count on the doctor you are used to being there to deliver. This last little stretch you're going through this week?...kind of compare it to the labor - it's really rough, but when you have your little guy all healthy and safe in your arms you won't care - it will be worth it. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

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  5. HKW - Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate it, and hugs to you.

    Wendy - I think you are right. If I were to do this over, I'd have a woman, and preferably a midwife.

    Weds would be good. I'd go in tomorrow night, so I suppose I really will know by noon tomorrow.

    Hugs back to you, my friend.

    cla517 - Thank you!

    Dagny - You know, I like my OB, and I wish he were going to be there Friday. But I think Wendy nailed it - as a man, he doesn't get it.

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  6. Kate - Thank you. Yah, I know. It's been so long, and then this one person, who you have scheduled with, can't be there. Ugh! I believe it will all feel worth it, but right now, in this moment, it's so hard to imagine.

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  7. Well, from your blog, it appears you've handled everything that's come at you remarkably well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the little guy comes soon and easily.

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  8. Hey Lisa, for what it's worth, when I had daughter #1, my OB was not around for much of my long labor -- only saw her once, briefly, about midway through. And it was okay. Almost every single person who was in that hospital room was totally awesome and I didn't miss my Dr. at all.

    This time around, my OB is a different one, and I like her even better, but we all knew from the start that she would not be attending during the labor and birth. So I will be in the hands of whoever's on duty at the hospital again. I'm not worried, it's a great hospital and everything will be fine and Moses will be there, which is what really counts. Hmmm, sounds a little like I'm trying to talk myself into not worrying (Ha! Not worrying? Yeah, right...)

    Once again, hang in there, we are all thinking of you!

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  9. Look at the bright side -- as sucky as this year has been, at this time next week, you'll have a new baby in your arms -- all of this OB thing will be in the past, and (YAY!) you will no longer be pregnant!

    At this time next week, you'll be a mom. And your life will change forever.

    And maybe, just maybe, 2009 will be a little less ugly, and a tad more sweeter.

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  10. I hope the little dude does not take his time coming out and pops right our ASAP!

    I wish there were something I could to brighten up your day. But as I'm not sure what can be done, all I can say is sending you lots of bloggy hugs and hoping things turn up for you.

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  11. Ice cream? I'm going to buy some right now and have it in your honour! What a shitty-ass year for you, fuckety-fuck-fuck! Any chance you can go to your friends who have a pool and float with a virgin daiquari?

    When Sean and I reno the house, the standard statement is "oh look honey, more caulking, what a surprise..."

    love you, hang in there!

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  12. That's why I have a female OB/GYN in an all female practice. If I were you and a man told me "Friday's not that far away" I'd probably punch him. I'm ready to go punch your doctor for you. Right in the cubes. Men, with their penises and never-have-to-be-pregnant-selves, don't get to say stuff like that. Doctor or not.

    So I'm sending internet nut punches to your doc, and hugs to you.

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  13. Dude. This HAS been a shitty year for you and I think you have held it together EXTREMELY well. If all you're doing is having a bit of a crying jag and saying the word "fuck" every now and again, I'd say that you are a rockstar. A ROCKSTAR, you hear me? Having a kid - your first kid - is a huge deal and I don't think it's unreasonable of you to want a familiar face between your fucking legs when you push a potentially large-ish baby out of your wee body. I hope that your week is as easy as possible and I hope the little rat bastard makes his appearance sooner rather than later. "Give or take a pound and a half"? Fuck that! That is not reassuring at all!

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  14. no offense, but this just made my day a little better. not because there has been so much sucking in your life but because it made me look at my day that started awful and go "hm, okay, i guess my day wasn't SO bad afterall"
    so you've got that going for you : )
    deep breaths

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  15. "You're only a couple days past due, and Friday is not that far away!"

    Seriously? An OB should know how to handle a cranky pregnant woman better than that!

    Good luck - it WILL be over with soon enough!

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  16. AWWWW. I'm sorry everything is coming to a head now. It's the many straws that break the camel's back, huh? I'll hate everything with you and be that annoying reminder than nothing good every came easy. :) Ain't life a bitch in that regard?

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  17. Fuck you, world. Fuck you in the ass with a microplane.

    I am so sorry, Lisa. I would be very crabby too. So crabby I would taste delightful with lots of butter and old bay.

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  18. We're all rooting for you! If it makes you feel any better (which I'm sure it doesn't, but give me points for trying), I have a friend that had not one but TWO babies that were almost 2 weeks overdue and both over 10lbs. The best part - she delivered both naturally with no meds AND no tearing! She is tiny too. You can do it!

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  19. Me too, but for my own reasons. I'll go ahead and hate everything for your reasons too now. Hope the little fella decides to hurry up and come out on his own before Wed.

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  20. i think maybe you should just break something, maybe some ceramic plates which have a very nice ring when you throw them against the wall or smash them on the ground. very satifying! and the clean up later isn't that bad, really.

    runner-ups include screaming at the top of your lungs and hurling objects into the Potomac.

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  21. diatribes and dish - Thank you. That's nice to hear. And here's hoping!

    A.S. - This definitely made me feel better. I do find the lack of familiarity scary, particularly since I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I suppose all the rest of them do.

    Beach Bum - That's a very, very sweet and gentle reminder of the positive. It's true - in a week, even less, I will have a baby, and this will make things a lot better. It is hard to visualize right now, but it is true.

    Marie - Bloggy hugs are always so appreciated!

    Sophie - I had a frappucino and a donut and chocolate raisins, so at this point...well, sure, I probably could use some ice cream. :)

    No chance on the pool today, but maybe tomorrow. It's hot!

    Love to you!

    Lisa - This really makes me laugh. Thank you for the internet nut punches and the hugs. That is just great.

    Hillary - Exactly! I want someone I feel like I know between my legs while I'm shoving the potential BoUS out of my body! Yes! Thank you for all that.

    notsojenny - Everything really is relative, isn't it? Glad to help.:)

    Lily - I don't think he realized how cranky I am. Even though I give everything a pretty hateful look lately. Grrrrr.

    swaaaan - I think it is just too many straws. And thanks for the annoying reminder. :)

    Lemmonex - Thank you so much for your funny funny vitriole. It totally made me giggle.

    Also would taste delicious with a side of hush puppies.

    Tia - It is really good to hear all of those things. I appreciate it!

    Maude - We can combine reasons. I can't wait to see you!

    xuxE - Maybe violence and yelling together. Those could feel very good. That hadn't occurred to me.

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  22. Oh Lisa,
    I promise you that the nurses will take great care of you. Women know. The doctor is usually only there to catch the baby. And that's after a nurse has told him the stats, put his gloves on for him and tied his apron and his mask. It's the nurses and the anesthesiologist that are the main characters in your birthing situation. They worked hard to get to be in an OB unit and they love it there. I was the worst pregnant women EVER and they still treated me with compassion and warmth. Hang in there one hour at a time now. And a C-Section is a scary thing to imagine. So don't. Think of your wedding, that crazy smoking jacket of Nicks. And that nothing beats the fact that you have had the best guy ever to go through all of it with. Even if he is the reason for this particular problem at the moment. Now, I'll go have a glass of wine or ten for you. Any particular kind you like?

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  23. Oh, dang it, little boy. It's my birthday today, and I was so hoping your mama's post was going to be all about how you were born today. Believe me, kid, August 17 is a great day to be born.

    Not, perhaps, such a great day to be Lisa this year, mourning, and pregnant. I hope things look up soon, and, hey, maybe labor will be short and sweet because he's spending this time getting himself all ready to shoot right out. Maybe he can tell that you need him to go easy on him, this year, of all years.

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  24. just found your blog.

    i'm a couple days over due as well.

    i had so much cramping and movement going on last night i thought it was going to happen for sure... nothing.

    all the best

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  25. Reason number 1,427 why I adore Lemon Gloria? Because she just called her unborn son a 'rat bastard'.

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  26. Oh Lisa...what an asshat. I'm sorry, I know that is your OB, and all things being equal, he is probably a very nice man. But what a thing to say. I wonder how he would've liked to hear, "Well, it's only Friday. Can't the funeral wait a few more days??"

    I am praying and hoping that Baby Lemon arrives soon, before Wednesday, and there are no wait-times or C-sections involved!!

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  27. Oh, I just want to give you a great big hug right now, but that would only make you feel more pissed off so I'll stand a safe distance away and offer this - please call your doctor to PLEASE get you in tomorrow and strip your membranes and then go out walking (okay, waddling) for about an hour.

    Trust me on this - it works. It hurts like hell when it's happening, but it works. No meds, just some spotting.

    And the nicest thing of all is that no matter what, the minute they hand you that little big man, you'll be crazy in love-ish. Enough to help you forget this part.

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  28. "My dad's death, while I don't think about it every minute, tints just about everything. I don't know if it would be different if it hadn't been suicide. I've thought about it, and I really don't know."

    I can tell you, it doesn't matter - it still FUCKING SUCKS! They say it gets better, but I am still waiting. Now where's my wine? :-)

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  29. Oh Lisa, I'm sorry. Here's hoping things get better for you. In the meantime... hugs to you.

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  30. Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

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  31. Oh, Lis! I am going to send all of my love your way.

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  32. I am just sending you HUGE hugs over here! I didn't have time to read the other comments, so forgive me if you have already heard this, but as luck had it for me, my last 2 children were delivered by OB's I had never met or seen once during my entire pregnancy.

    I ended up loving both of them. Even the one who was so impressed by her c-section skills that she showed off my incision to the other OB's and joked about how she had only had a few drinks when she did it.

    The end of pregnancy just plain SUCKS. There is no way around it. It blows! But then (and I promise, eventually you WILL) have the baby, and you'll look back and think, "Gee, that wasn't so bad". And then you'll get knocked up again and hate it even more and swear to never do it again, and then you will. And if you don't, you'll be jealous every time you see a pregnant person. I'm not sure how it works that way, but it does. ;)

    Hang in there!

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  33. Looks like we're all hatey hate hating all this crap right along with you.

    And we all know how incredibly hard you always try to cope the best you can. Like that Super Tramp song (if you're not too young to remember): "Right. Right. You're bloody well right. Ya got a bloody right to say!!!"

    And you say it so well! "Mr. Brightside", oh you make me laugh. But yeah, it's been a fuckity fucked up year.

    Like somebody else already said, when he finally does get here, it'll all have been worth it, and the other stuff, not like it'll magically dissappear, won't hold quite as much weight.

    Re: house repaired with bubblegum, I hope this makes you smile: Somewhere in the first weeks in our new house, I noticed there were screws missing from the exteriour woodwork; lots of them, like there were JUST enough screws to keep the woodwork on, barring a really strong wind. So I called the previous owner to ask about it, and he says, all casual-like, like it was NORMAL, "Oh, I needed those screws to put up the Christmas lights. Don't worry, they'll all still be up there." Oh brother.

    Big cyber hugs.

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  34. That saying is so right. When it rains it effing pours. And in your case, it's been monsoon season. It has always been my hope, since I started reading your blog, that the hardship will be well worth it. That at the end of the day--- or this week--- you'll have a beautiful, healthy baby boy that will wipe away the immediate sadness and frustrations. You're going to be an amazing mom, sharing your wit and sass as you raise you son. Wishing you the best!

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  35. (((hugs))) being sent your way!

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  36. Oh, I am so sorry:( Hang in there! The end of pg sucks! I hope that the birth of your little guy makes the year coming up much better than this one.
    ((Hugs))

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  37. Hey Lisa- hope Wednesday works out! Honestly I had a an OB I had only met once when I had both Ryan and Alex- at that point I didnt' care who was there- just get the baby out! I ended up liking the one who delivered Alex and she became my doctor! Hang in there- can't wait to meet little Jordan!
    Hugs-Susan

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