Plantation shutters are my downfall. Because now every time I think of them I think of my imaginary penis and where to put it.
Although, OK, downfall is a little strong.
You know it all started with those plantation shutters at Nick's old place (hello, morning!) and how Nick was afraid you'd all think there was something very wrong with me if I blogged about it.
And then I did.
For people who know me, it's not that weird.
Right? Please say right.
But then sometimes I meet people, like for example this guy at a BBQ a month ago. He was, and I imagine still is, in the throes of massive construction on his house, which is what he was talking about when I met him.
A friend of friends was talking to him, and introduced us. She's someone I really like and hadn't seen in over a year. I asked what she'd been up to.
She has this very cool international everywhere job plus she does things like spend a month in Kerala at a yoga retreat. So she was telling me and I tried not to turn too deep a shade of envy green as the India-yoga-Iceland-volcano-stuck-in-Dubai-international-glamor washed over me.
(And what shade would envy green be, anyway? Mint? Chartreuse?)
Anyway, in response to the same question I was all: baby-baby poo-lack of sleep-baby-baby-snnnzzzzzzz-here-let-me-bore-you-to-death. In fact, let me bore myself to death. Gah!
So I turned to the guy to ask about The Construction.
(Because the construction! Having lived it, I now find it interesting! I don't know a lot, but terms like duct work and transom and mitre box and molding are now in my vocabulary!)
What was he doing to his house?
Him: Well, everything. Seriously, everything. But at the moment, he was dealing with installing new windows and shutters and such.
Me: New windows! Yes! New windows can simultaneously deplete your bank account and improve your life and electric bill.
We commiserated on the hassle and expense. He's not yet at the life improved stage. And he's trying to figure out the rest of the window treatment business.
Me: And shutters! I love shutters! Particularly plantation shutters, which we used to have and you know, if I had a penis, I would totally stick it through them! Which my husband thinks is weird and have you been to Founding Farmers?
As soon as all of that was out of my mouth, I had this sudden moment of, ohhh, what if they're interested in each other? Maybe they were having perfectly nice flirty conversation! Until I barged in and told them where I'd put the penis I don't have.
It's kind of like Tourette's with me, isn't it?
I made sure to excuse myself before I could bring up the caulk issue.