Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Memories, boobs, old friends, new friends, and painful pauses

This is something I'd forgotten until Kelli, Russ and I were sitting on the floor of our kitchen at 1 am, talking about her boobs.

The ones she didn't have in high school. The ones she paid good money for. The ones I asked to feel at the last reunion - thus causing a number of guy friends to make the same request, although mine was clinical curiosity.

But then I had to feel those of another friend - at the time more of an acquaintance, really - just to be polite.

This story is actually about the other friend, who is older than us and left Delhi before either of us arrived. But who I'd met in childhood, as she's the daughter of friends of my parents. I'll call her Adrienne.

So I felt Adrienne's new boobs at the last reunion and then we didn't keep in touch, since we didn't actually know each other and were in very different places in life.

Four years went by, and as you know, last summer my dad passed away.

As happens, there was a continuous stream of old friends coming over to my parents' house bearing food, flowers, condolences. They came, sat with us, had drinks, swapped Mike stories, mourned.

Among the first were Adrienne's parents. Who hadn't seen me since I was in junior high, at the oldest.

And here I was, grown up and married and all pregnant!

So I said hello, and asked how they were, and inquired as to Adrienne's well-being.

At which point Betty turned and said, "Lisa felt Adrienne's boobs at the Delhi reunion!"

I felt like one of those squirrels frozen in panic, unsure what to do with the approaching car.

Her father looked at me. I looked at him. Her mother looked at me. I looked at her. I tried to smile. But then I thought smiling might make me seem creepy. So I stopped.

There was this terrible pause. It went on and on.

Finally I said, "Well. This is awkward. Would you like some cheese?"

And that's all we said about that.

16 comments:

  1. Ha! Hahahahaha! I love that Betty called you out like that!

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  2. Lisa, you are dangerous! Just when things have started to calm down... enough for me to breathe (because you and Kelli have been making me laugh non-stop for days), you tell the story again... and now, once again, I am on the kitchen floor gasping for breath in uncontrollable laughter. Make it stop!

    Thanks for being you!

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  3. Maiden Metallurgist - But really? The first thing you're going to tell people about me??

    Russ - I haven't laughed that hard in years. Best best best weekend.

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  4. And now, I think, we know where you get your inappropriate conversation gene from.

    Three cheers for heredity!

    Also, three cheers for doing stuff that leads to awkward pauses. I'd hate to be the kind of person people just gloss over, you know?

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  5. hahaha! Betty is awesome! In a situation like that you could say, "would you like some cheese" with a proper English accent.....that would throw them off, er, maybe not. But it would be funny: )

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  6. Oh dear. I feel the awkward and cringe... then giggle!

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  7. Cheese solves all social awkwardness. Fact.

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  8. At least you didn't squeeze Adrienne's ass?

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  9. "Would you like some cheese?" - So, so totally Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return. "I never did mind about the little things" right after the Cleaner shoots her partner.

    You're cooler than the other side of the pillow.

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  10. Oh Betty how I relate to your ability to say the most inappropriate things at the funniest moments. I too suffer from this habit. I dont mean to it just pops out and then everything goes quiet and awkward and................some one pass the cheese please.

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  11. Hmmm, yeah, that wasn't going to be the easiest anecdote to talk your way out of, was it? Haha.

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  12. Ha, that's a good story. Give them props for handling it well :)

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  13. PS - I found you on "That's Why".

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  14. I love that Betty doesn't have a censor! So hilarious!

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  15. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love Betty.

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  16. Dagny - That is the BEST way to think of it. I would hate to be a person that others just gloss over. I would much rather feel awkward but be memorable.

    Kate - Yes! Pull out accents just to confuse people! Then they'll just think you're weird! Wait - maybe not what I'm aiming for...

    Hillary - I will make a note of that. Very helpful.

    HKW - No ass squeezing. It was all about the saline implants. :)

    FoggyDew - I blush and I twitch. I am not cool. But I do appreciate that you think so! :)

    P - Nobody's parents are delighted to hear that kind of thing, as far as I can tell.

    jss - Welcome! What a good point - props to them! And I love Lisa of That's Why!

    Miss Dallas - She really doesn't. I didn't realize till recently.

    Lisa - At the time I was all, are you fucking kidding me? Could you really not think of anything else to say? But now I see the humor.

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