Now, I recognize that there are few times, if ever, in your life that you might be in the market for a fake snake.
However. If you are, you might like to know that a website called Fake Rubber Snakes exists. Yes. And these are the category of snake from which you can choose: Giant Fake Snakes; Straight Fake Snakes; Coiled Fake Snakes; Small Fake Snakes; Guttzie Buddy Snakes. So ya know.
Because, you see, we have this ancient row house that we've spent the last three years pouring our time, money, energy, caulk (oh, the caulk!), etc into.
And Nick has worked incredibly hard in his scant free time, and he is very house proud. (And what's that expression about pride before a fall while backing up to admire one's handiwork?)
But, now we have this galling bird problem.
They like to sit in the sun outside my mom's front window. And drop feathers and kick dirt off the sill and poop on the stoop. Last weekend Nick cleaned out the remnants of two old nests.
You know how sometimes one little thing is a final straw? No pun, but with those nests, Nick reached his patience limits with the birds. He decided that what we really need are fake snakes.
Fake snakes! Fake snakes would fix this!
First he called around to places like Lowes and Cold Home Hippo and Target and our local hardware store.
Ever tried calling somewhere out of the blue and asking for a fake snake? Once you make it clear that you're serious, and then you explain - bird problem, want to scare them away, fake snake...then people on the other end are all, "Hey, that's a good idea! No, we don't have those. We have owls."
Apparently everyone has owls. Nick wanted snakes, because they're subtler. He didn't want a big old fake owl on his house.
Which is how Nick discovered FakeRubberSnakes.com - for all your fake snake needs. Ultimately, however, he ordered from Amazon because of the Prime two-day shipping. He needed those birds gone yesterday.
I suggested he get a copperhead, mainly because it's the only snake from this area that I know. But he did a little research - not quite as extensive as the Top Ten Deadliest Animals in Africa - and chose a rattlesnake and a coral snake, which we don't have in DC but apparently looks just like some other snake we do have. Of which the birds should be petrified.
Also - coral snakes? Very deadly poisonous. If you see one, run!
The birds? Not only not scared, but seemingly completely unimpressed. They were up there this morning, chit-chatting in the sun, with the scary rattlesnake (with a head that actually rattles!) peering down behind them.
Next, we get an owl.