Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Scissors + Chemicals = Power, My Friends

I got my hair cut and re-blonded last night. And so right before I left the office for my hair appointment, I started putting on make up. My colleague Eric, who has seen me through such things as the emergency shoes asked if I had a date.

"No! I'm getting my hair done! I want my stylist to think I'm pretty!"

"Is he cute?"

Yes. And he's gay. It's not that I'm interested in him. It's that I believe no matter what you ask for, you get the hair that your stylist thinks suits you. Don't you think?

And they've got all the power. They have the scissors; they have the chemicals. You are stuck in the chair and have no real idea what's going on up there. Until they're done. Someone once gave me bangs and then denied it when I asked why. But what can you do but go home and cry once you already have surprise bangs? You're just fucked. Right?

So anyway, it behooves you to show up at the salon dressed as the person you want your hair to look like, if that makes any sense. I learned this in San Diego. I absolutely believe this is true.

In San Diego, Maude and I went to the same stylist. Her name was Amber. Amber was just the most beautiful blonde, blue eyed, real live Barbie we had ever met. I really, genuinely liked her. But you looked at her and could only think "Barbie." She once described her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend as a Barbie, and it made my head spin. When you have a real-live Barbie describing someone as a Barbie, what does this mean? Is there such a thing as a double Barbie? A mega-Barbie?

In any case, she used to give me very cute haircuts. But Maude would always come home looking like a librarian. At some point she got very disgruntled - why did Amber do this to her, when clearly she was capable of giving hip haircuts? And I pointed out that Maude always schlepped in to Amber's in her dowdy painting clothes. So she got frumpy haircuts.

Once, also when we lived in SD, I dyed my hair dark brown. Maude, who is an artist, helped me pick the color. I love dark brown hair with blue eyes. It's a nice contrast.

Except that I looked dead. Nobody, not one person, liked how I looked. It made my skin flat and pasty and awful.

And so I decided that I had to fix it. But Maude and I had dyed it at home, and so I was too embarrassed to go to Amber and show her what I'd done. Because how can you go in to your stylist and tell her you were stupidly playing with dye at home?

So I went to another salon. A very spendy, trendy one. I told the guy what I'd done and asked if he could fix it. He said there was absolutely no way to go back to any kind of natural looking blonde.

He backed a couple feet away from me. He looked me up and down. He put his hands on his hips and cocked his head to the side. He said the best thing to do would be to strip all the color out and go platinum. Platinum! He said that only because I had on a hip outfit and the right shoes did he know I could pull it off. Otherwise, he'd never try.

And so I did. And platinum, platinum was great! I don't know if any of you have ever tried it, but when your hair is that damaged and really short, oh, you can do fun stuff with it!


  1. For this and a myriad of reasons, I'm so glad I'm a guy. I think that I've gotten what I would consider a bad haircut only once. And if I came in from camping unbathed and hung over, they'd still be able to get it right.

  2. I'd be a terrible, terrible guy, but that is a definite benefit. I find the whole hair salon thing quite stressful.

  3. But your hair is already short!

  4. Oh, my friend, it was boy short. Like, how Halle Berry wears her hair when it's short.

  5. I believe in the be-cute-receive-cute-haircut theory. I dress-up for the dentist too, with hopes DDS takes it easy on my mouth.

    I've met a real-life mega-Barbie. She has long, shiny, naturally blonde hair, blue eyes and an hour glass figure. And her given name was Barbie. How did her parents know she'd look exactly like Barbie?

    I love the name Minnie but wouldn't name my daughter that for fear of her being tall or not "skinny" enough to live up to her name.


  7. HKW - Hmm - I hadn't thought of the dentist, but that's not a bad idea either. I think it would be soo hard to look like AND be named Barbie. I wonder if she got teased a lot.

    Roosh - Only a trim! I'm growing it out! Really!

  8. Oh wow! I never thought about it, but you're soooo right!! THANK YOU!! I will now go forth with my "I look like a sexy babe" dress the next time I'm at the hair stylist!

    Hey, btw, what's the name of the nail place in P.B. where you got your toenails done? My boyfriend's nieces are coming down for the summer and I thought it would be a fun treat for them!

  9. You "get ready" to go get a haircut? Reason No. 4,723 why I don't understand women.

  10. G&D - I really believe it!

    I was going to email you but don't see an email link on your site.

    It': French Nail Designs
    9090 Grand Ave
    (858) 273-9515

    What a fun treat for your neices!

    Arjewtino - I never, ever claim to make sense when it comes to stuff like this. I'm just trying to be pretty.

  11. I tried to go blond. Just to see what it would look like. The results were amusing.


    Luckily, I can just shave my head after the amusement wears off.

    I don't think I've had my hair cut since just before my sisters wedding two and a half years ago.

  12. VVK - As you know, it's really hard to make black hair like yours go blond, which is why you wound up with orange. They have to do an incredible amount of work to strip it.

  13. After reading this, I'm rethinking the let it go naturally gray strategy. I mean, what if I do and the next time I go for a trim I end up sitting there in curlers under the dryer as they prep me for one of those older lady hairdos that last the week without a single wash?


  14. This made me laugh. That will NOT happen to you, ever. See how you are feeling with the grey, and if you hate it, you can always change it.

  15. No matter what I'm wearing when I get a haircut, I always leave coiffed like I'm off to read the news on local TV. I'm not sure why, but it has happened in at least 8 different states. Maybe I'm in the wrong line of work...

  16. My sister-in-law is a hair stylist, and she definitely cuts folks' hair however she feels like it.

    This totally matches her personality, but I suppose it's a hair-dresser thing as well.

    As for me, I'm not only a guy, but a guy with less hair every year. The electric razor I apply to my own head works fine. And I don't even have to dress up for myself, since I think I'm great looking anyway. ;-)

  17. Shannon - Stylists in 8 states can't be wrong. You should probably look into the anchorwoman thing.

    Mike - My old stylist would give a bad cut to guys who annoyed her. If they kept coming back, she'd punish them with bad haircuts.

    I think the shaved head look with a little bit of stubble is a really good one.

  18. hmm... I can't believe I posted a link to those pictures. Must be the sleep deprivation. Oh well.

    yeah... my hair isn't just black, its really think too. I think we left the bleach in my hair for ~2 hours to get that marbled copper look. This of course destroyed the hair, making it feel like thin, dry, brittle grass. I'd originally planned on keeping it for a week and then shaving my head. The feel drove me to shave it sooner.

    Clippers and a mach 3 are my friends.

  19. I have to totally agree with you, esp. in SD - where did you go by the way? I've thinking about "going blond" for quite some time (no gray yet, so no rush :), and when I was in SD not too long ago, I went to salon I used to go to (Wavelength in Hillcrest) and the "stylist" actually told me "you wouldn't look good as a blond" so I guess I wasn't dressed appropriately (however that would be)? The other funny thing is that I used to have white blond hair until age 3, so go figure. It seems like many hairdressers do the same thing to both men/women though: they have an "idea" of what they want to do to your hair, and it could be VERY different from your idea, but some just go ahead and do it anyway. Hence the: "getting ready for the salon". It all makes sense now :)

  20. My salon forces me to get ready before getting my hair done. All the hairstylists and customers are "trendy" and "cute". I've shown up in jeans and a tshirt and they look at me as if I had a third eye or something.

  21. VVK - It destroys your hair. But then you can put product in and get it all chunky and sticky-uppy if you want. But really thick, black, Indian hair is so great! It's what I always wanted as a kid in India and Bangladesh. I used to hate my "jute colored" hair!

    LBoL - That surprises me for SD - I thought they wanted everyone blond! I can't remember the name of the salon that made me platinum. Amber, who I loved, is at Apiary Hair (I think that's the name) on India St. downtown.

    Jo - Yes, exactly! Where do you go, out of curiosity?

  22. PR at Partners in Tysons. Maybe it's the area that's the problem!

  23. Jo - Good point - could be! I think any trendy salon is going to be like that to some degree or another.

  24. "'Jute colored' hair"!!!

    HAHAHA... that phrase just made me laugh hard enough that someone came to check on me...


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