I had an epiphany at Harris Teeter last night.All those years of just not finding the right guy? It was me, all about me.
But not in the ways I've thought.
It wasn't that I wasn't smart or pretty or thin enough, or don't have an Ivy League degree, or an impressive enough resume or whatever. I mean, for some of those guys it was.
What it really was for me was that I chose wrong.
And not in the way I've been thinking. I mean, sure, I gravitated towards some very damaged ones, and one really mean one. But for the most part, they were just nice, normal guys.
Which, it struck me last night, was precisely the problem.
We were in the cereal aisle, looking at low-fat granola. With raisins? Without?
And suddenly I was all, raisins! I must have raisins!
So I abandoned Nick in cereal and headed out in search of the raisin aisle, which is not as easy to find as you might think. Nick found them with the canned fruit and such.
On a sidebar, the groupings in grocery stores are never what I expect. I mean, I wouldn't put avocados and figurines together, but things like popcorn are never where I think it should be.
Anyway. Back to my revelation.
We found the raisins. And Nick, who is not so much on the fruit, was all, "Raisins? What are you going to do with raisins?"
Eat them. Duh.
"Well, sweetheart. I thought I'd wait till you're asleep. And then I intend to insert them quietly and gently, one by one, into your anus."
Nick, who didn't even bat an eye = good choice for me.
Attractive probably-totally-normal guy who, from the look on his face, clearly found himself in the canned fruit aisle at the wrong time = bad choice for me.
See? Choices.
Indeed Lisa. Indeed.
ReplyDeleteI love when you offer up stick figure drawings!!
ReplyDeleteMaiden Metallurgist - Yes. Indeed.
ReplyDeleteSusan - Alas, I lack drawing coordination and they are never quite what I'm picturing...But I always have a good time laughing at myself when I'm doing them.
Stil...laughing... I can just imagine the look on the guy's face. Oh, thank you. I needed a good laugh today.
ReplyDeleteI had to give myself time to stop laughing so I could type.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes - a very good choice for you. I see exactly what you mean, I really do.
This is glorious. The right match, indeed.
ReplyDeleteIt's comforting to know that there's one person out there who, not for lack of trying, you absolutely cannot shock. I'm glad you found him and married him.
ReplyDeleteah yes, it's really the little things
ReplyDeletethe exact combination of threatened-raisin-sodomy and being able to remind your love that maybe-it's-rabies is something we all strive for, pertaining to our own quirks/issues of course : )
I should have learned by now not to eat while I'm reading your post. You always make me get food in/on the keyboard. I just had to pick rice out with a pen.
ReplyDeleteThis is the sort of conversation I have with the wife in public. As with you, good thing she tosses it right back --
ReplyDelete"If I'm bored tonight, I'm going to put baby-carrots up into you... I'm going for the record tonight, I can feel it?"
"oh are you really? Maybe you'll wake up feeling stuffed with grapes."
I try not to have these conversations with her on the Metro. But, somewhere, something pops out, "you know, if we combine tuesday and wednesday, then you and Wife Number Two can have sex night two nights in a row."
Raisins = high fiber. Good choice! Not as an enema, though. I think you have to eat them to get the fiber benefits. ;)
ReplyDeleteI got stuck at the part where avocados and figurines are found together in your supermarket. When did Safeway start stocking Hummels?
ReplyDeleteBut yes, ability to go with the flow of the off-beat sense of humor - and give it right back - is key.
Jo - my pleasure, absolutely. Thank you for telling me.:)
ReplyDeleteDagny - Thank you. I believe you do know precisely what I mean.
mysterygirl - Oh, thank you! :)
FreckledK - It is, except when I really really wish I could shock him. Because that's so fun sometimes, you know?
notsojenny - Yes! Why did it take me so long to figure this out? Instead of trying to not say things like this so normal guys would like me?
Hillary - I laughed so hard I cried when I read this. I laugh every time I think about it.
JoLee - Oh, sorry. I can totally picture the hassle of picking rice out of a keyboard. Small and sticky and easily lodged between letters.
Anonymous - This is definitely the kind of conversation that horrifies normal people. But sometimes so fun to have in public for that very reason.
Luna - Thank you for commending my choice! And I didn't think about them in terms of fiber - but yay! And I am pretty sure you must be right. Have to eat them. I'll remember that.:)
Cheryl - Well, yah. I could see how you'd get hung up on that one. And I don't know about where you live, but I had to ask my grocery to special-order.
Yes! And not just give it right back, but not ever think you're a total freak.
VVK - I am with you on that one. I haven't yet tested Nick.
IMHO, normal is waaay overrated. And frankly, from my position, I can barely see it. It's great that you found someone who's bent in the same direction as you.
ReplyDeleteGod, you are hysterical! And oh-so-creative with your dried fruit activities :)
ReplyDeleteI love it when someone asks such a potential filled question as that.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great moment, the grocer is the perfect setting!
ReplyDeleteChemistry.
ReplyDeleteAnd a healthy appreciation for a sick sense of humor.
It's magical!
I love you. No, really, I do. You GET it.
ReplyDelete